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Your British spy boyfriend Christopher Steele


Jane Mayer has a fascinating long read in The New Yorker about Christopher Steele, author of the DODGY DOSSIER on Donald Trump's collusion/conspiracies with Russia that hasn't been proven even a little bit wrong, which means Republicans and Trump probably hate it because it's TOO FUCKING TRUE.

Much of Mayer's profile covers ground we already know, but it does include fun new facts, like for instance did you know Steele has two phones and he carries them in a special spy purse that avoids detection by other spies? That is just cool #SpyStuff! Also he drives a Land Rover Discovery Sport, he used to run marathons, and according to Mayer, one of his cats recently re-enacted the pee hooker part of his famous Trump dossier, "by peeing on a family member's bed." What a rude pussy!

Also there is a thing about Mitt Romney.

Mayer reports that Chris Steele wrote another memo, alleging that, when Mitt Romney was being "considered" for secretary of State, the Kremlin vetoed it, because the Kremlin is Donald Trump's real boss. This was after the FBI and Steele severed ties because the FBI was mad at Steele for talking to the press, and because Steele was worried the FBI didn't seem to be doing diddly shit about the Trump-Russia investigation, yet was simultaneously trumpeting from the mountaintops that it had found evidence Hillary Clinton had activated another previously unknown AOL free trial disk.

Mayer reports that Steele probably discussed this with special counsel Robert Mueller, when they had their lovers' weekend back in September of last year:

This memo, which did not surface publicly with the others, is shorter than the rest, and is based on one source, described as “a senior Russian official.” The official said that he was merely relaying talk circulating in the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs, but what he’d heard was astonishing: people were saying that the Kremlin had intervened to block Trump’s initial choice for Secretary of State, Mitt Romney.

!!!WHOAIFTRUE!!!

And Putin said "NYET!"

Now, we are skeptical of the idea that Mitt Romney was really Trump's "first choice," considering how Trump HAAAAAAAAATE him. But Romney was definitely in the official running there for a long time, even if Trump was only doing it to torture poor Mittens. Unfortunately, according to Steele's memo, even if Trump was just fucking around, the Kremlin reminded Trump he was supposed to be hiring a secretary of State who would be DTF with dropping the sanctions on Russia, so Trump ultimately picked the snoozing dumbass from Exxon, Rex Tillerson, and the Kremlin immediately died of a big Russian orgasm and everything was OK.

(Speaking of, guess who isn't implementing sanctions on Russia passed almost unanimously by Congress? Trump! Guess who isn't spending any of the $120 million it reportedly was given to fight Russian interference in our elections? Rex Tillerson! And Trump hasn't authorized the NSA to stop Russian meddling at the source! Funny how that all worked out.)

So that is a fun story about how Mittens rode down his car elevator to interview for a job he could never get, because Vladimir Putin said "NYET."

Here are some other tidbits from Mayer's excellent piece:

That time Chris Steele accidentally thought Lindsey Graham and Chuck Grassley were serious people

Mayer reports that Chris Steele was very upset when he found out senators Chuck Grassley and Lindsey Graham had ginned up a bullshit criminal referral on him earlier this year, to the point he felt physically ill:

Steele, on that January night, was stunned to learn that U.S. politicians were calling him a criminal. He told Christopher Burrows, with whom he co-founded Orbis, that the sensation was “a feeling like vertigo.” Burrows, in his first public interview on the dossier controversy, recalled Steele telling him, “You have this thudding headache—you can’t think straight, you have no appetite, you feel ill.” Steele compared it to the disorientation that he had felt in 2009, when his first wife, Laura, had died, after a long illness, leaving him to care for their three young children.

OH DEAR! Mr. Steele, please listen to Wonkette: Lindsey Graham is full of shit and Chuck Grassley makes love to corn a lot, allegedly. These are not serious people. We understand being worried Vladimir Putin will do the old polonium to you or that Donald Trump will, uh ... get his real dad Putin to do the old polonium to you. But please do not worry about Lindsey Graham or Chuck Fucking Grassley.

That thing about how Chris Steele has been highly respected by the American intelligence community for ONE THOUSAND YEARS, Devin Nunes, did you hear that, Devin Nunes?

Mayer includes a good bit about Steele's pedigree, telling how he worked undercover in Moscow, became the head of the Russia desk at MI6, and investigated the Russia-directed (polonium) murder of defected FSB spy Alexander Litvinenko, all while being highly respected and relied on by American intelligence services:

The British Secret Intelligence Service is highly regarded by the United States, particularly for its ability to harvest information from face-to-face sources, rather than from signals intelligence, such as electronic surveillance, as the U.S. often does. British and American intelligence services work closely together, and, while Steele was at M.I.6, British intelligence was often included in the U.S. President’s daily-briefing reports. In 2008, Michael Hayden, the C.I.A. director, visited the U.K., and Steele briefed him on Russian developments. The following year, President Obama visited the U.K., and was briefed on a report that Steele had written about Russia. Steve Hall, a former chief of the C.I.A.’s Central Eurasia Division, which includes Russia, the former Soviet states, and the Balkans, told me, “M.I.6 is second only perhaps to the U.S. in its ability to collect intelligence from Russia.” He added, “We’ve always coördinated closely with them because they did such a great job. We’re playing in the Yankee Stadium of espionage here. This isn’t Guatemala.”

Next time you're invited to a Devin Nunes Cow Orgy and Devin Nunes starts talking about how Chris Steele is just some Hill-Ghazi operative, read him that paragraph.

Also? Steele was investigating Russian interference in politics in Not America before he even officially started looking at Trump. Indeed, when he was retained by Fusion GPS, he was finishing "Project Charlemagne," which looked at Russia's efforts to meddle in European elections to destroy the European Union and get rid of the Russian sanctions, GOLLY THIS SOUNDS FAMILIAR, DEVIN NUNES, ARE YOU READING THIS?

That time Donald Trump came up on Steele's radar a million years before he was ever hired to do opposition research on Trump, SERIOUSLY ARE YOU READING THIS, DEVIN NUNES?

Mayer reports that "two of [Steele's] earliest cases at Orbis involved investigating international crime rings whose leaders, coincidentally, were based in New York's Trump Tower." That would be Chuck Blazer, one of the grifty fuckers taken down in the worldwide FIFA corruption scandal, and an "international gambling and money-laundering ring" run out of a Trump Tower apartment by a Russian organized crime dude named Alimzhan Tokhtakhounov, who ended up being a guest at the 2013 Moscow Miss Universe pageant, you know, THE ONE WITH THE RUSSIAN HOOKERS WHO PEED ALL OVER DONALD TRUMP, ALLEGEDLY.

Wonder what Chris Steele told his friends about how everything kept coming up Trump:

“It was as if all criminal roads led to Trump Tower,” Steele told friends.

That seems like a good place to end this post.

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[The New Yorker]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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