Kudos to ABC News for drip-drip-dripping out George Stephanopoulos's batshit interview with President Batshit as slowly as possible, for maximum effect. We really did need a few days to absorb the president saying it was totally OK for hostile foreign powers to help him win in 2020. (Which happens to be exactly what they did in 2016, according to the Mueller Report, the contents of which Trump is now lying about more brazenly than he was just last week, as you'll see below!)

Oh yeah, and late last week, we got the part of the interview where Trump said Don McGahn lied under oath to Robert Mueller, in order to make himself look "good." Remember how Trump is trying to claim "executive privilege" over McGahn's testimony to Congress, but yet cannot stop yapping about it and taking shits all over those already-thin "executive privilege" claims? Keep talking, sir! Congressional Democrats and their lawyers thank you.

Anyway, now we have so much more, and also the transcript. Let's watch some videos and read the words of a lying man who lies a lot, and who appears to have really over-applied his orange face make-up the day of the interview.

One of the moments that's really making news is Trump talking about how "impressed" we all will be when we see his "financial statement," because it's "fantastic." Wait, what financial statement? Oh just all the financials he refuses to turn over to Congress. But he really wants people to see it because it's OH MY GOD MICK MULVANEY, DID YOU JUST COUGH IN THE MIDDLE OF MY INTERVIEW? YOU ARE A GROSS AND TERRIBLE PERSON, MICK MULVANEY, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE OVAL OFFICE RIGHT NOW!

Yeah, that happened. And he can't release his "financial statement" or his taxes, because reasons, and because nobody even cares about seeing them. Did you know it's not even his decision?

TRUMP: No, it's not up to me. It's up to lawyers, it's up to everything else. But they're asking for things that they should never be asking for, that they've never asked another president for. They want to go through every deal that they've ever done, they've--what they're doing is a disgrace.

Ayup, you betcha.

Here's Donald Trump, flat-out lying to Stephanopoulos about what's in the Mueller Report. He claims "NO COLLUSION," when in reality Mueller specifically discusses why "collusion" is not the right word, and lays out almost 200 pages of weird contacts and approaches between Russians and Trump people, none of which remotely exonerates Trump or his campaign. What Mueller did say was that for a variety of reasons, he didn't feel he could prosecute conspiracy charges, partly because some Trump people had this funny habit of deleting and hiding their communications, ISN'T THAT ODD?

As for obstruction of justice, Trump claims "NO OBSTRUCTION," even though Mueller laid out evidence for many obstructive acts and clearly intended for Congress to decide whether it would try the case against Trump. At the end of this exchange, Trump lies and says he read the Mueller Report, and that George Stephanopoulos (who has actually read it) should read it.

TRUMP: They found no collusion. And they didn't find anything having to do with obstruction because they made the ruling based on his findings [...] Are you trying to say now that there was collusion even though he said, "There is no collusion"?

STEPHANOPOULOS: He didn't say that!

TRUMP: He said no collusion!

STEPHANOPOULOS: He said (inaudible)--

TRUMP: George, the report said no collusion!

STEPHANOPOULOS: Did you read the report?

TRUMP: Yes, I did. And you should read it too, George. COME ON, LET'S GO.

NARRATOR: Anyone who thinks Donald Trump could read 10 pages of material, much less the 400-some-odd pages in the Mueller Report, please raise your hand, and then use it to slap yourself in the face for being such an idiot.

They revisited the subject during another part of the interview, which was conducted over several days. Trump said "NO COLLUSION!" and they were off:

STEPHANOPOULOS: That's not what Robert Mueller found.

TRUMP: That's what it says. It said no collusion. You know what, nobody even brings Russia up anymore. They talk about phase two but it's a total phony deal. If it weren't, if I colluded with Russia, it wouldn't bother me nearly as much. What bothers me, is when you did nothing wrong and they have a phony witch hunt. That bothers me. And Mueller, who hates Trump, he is a never Trumper and then he puts--

STEPHANOPOULOS: What evidence do you have that he hates you?

TRUMP: George, I know he hates me. [...]

STEPHANOPOULOS: You called Robert Mueller honorable, why the switch?

TRUMP: I'm not switching or anything. I would hope he is honorable. But you know what, he gave us no collusion and that was a very big thing.

STEPHANOPOULOS: He did not say that.

TRUMP: And frankly, frankly, he did say that. He said there was no collusion. George, read the report.

STEPHANOPOULOS: He said he explicitly didn't look at collusion-- I did. He said there was insufficient evidence that said there was a conspiracy. I read every page.

TRUMP: Excuse me, read the report, read the conclusion of the report, just read it.

Oh my God.

At another point in the interview, Trump explained what real collusion is:

TRUMP: I'll tell you, you talk about collusion, take a look at the collusion with the Democrat party and Facebook and Google and Twitter. That's called collusion, that's called real collusion.

Real collusion is this thing Donald Trump just pulled out of his ass. Nobody knows what the fuck it is, but he's waving it around!

Related to this subject, Trump also seemed to try to lie and claim he answered Robert Mueller's questions on obstruction of justice -- he did not, and we can see why his lawyers made that decision! -- and has no answer to give when Stephanopoulos asks, if Trump's conspiracy theory about the Obama FBI rigging the election against him were true, why didn't they leak that they were investigating his campaign for its ties to Russia before the elction? Trump does not know, because he is too stupid to think his conspiracy theories through.

Let's end with some quick hits!

Here's Trump rebutting George Stephanopoulos's statement of fact that the American people are the ones paying for Trump's dumbass tariffs, a fact he does not understand:

TRUMP: People don't understand tariffs, but I understand them. And I also understand the power of tariffs.

Like we said.

Explaining why his constant tweeting should not be called "tweeting" or "tweet," and why it is awesome that he has temper tantrums every morning on the thing we are not supposed to call "tweeting" or "tweet":

TRUMP: I have a very unfair press. It's a fake news. It's a corrupt news. I have people that are so dishonest. I mean, I had a case of it recently with the New York Times where they're writing things knowing it was wrong. Knowing. If I don't put it out-- I don't call it tweets. I call it social media. If I don't use social media, I do not get the word out. I have some people that do say that, but I have far more that say-- just today in the-- in the speech I had a woman, "Please don't stop tweeting. Please. That's the only way you're getting the message out." I have so many people that would go-- that would be very unhappy if I ever stopped. And it's not tweet. It's social media.

He's never fucking stopping. Also that lady he made up right there totally exists.

Trump says nobody has ever treated any president as badly as they treat him, except maybe Abraham Lincoln, but not really, because here's why (it's because he's self-centered and a fucking baby):

TRUMP: Although they do say Abraham Lincoln was treated really badly. I must say that's the one. If you can believe it, Abraham Lincoln was treated supposedly very badly. But nobody's been treated badly like me. And this way I can fight the dishonest media, the corrupt media, the fake news.

SOME SAY Lincoln was shot in the head at the theater, but really, whatever Trump is whining about is way worse.

Also there was a funny moment when Stephanopoulos told Trump about a "good" poll for him, with Quinnipiac showing Trump ALL THE WAY UP to a 42 percent approval rating. Trump did not like that, because as we all know, any poll that shows Trump doing poorly is a fake deep state poll, even if it's his own campaign's internal polling. And why does Trump hate stories about fake polls that are fake?

TRUMP: I like the truth. I'm actually a very honest guy.

All righty! We mean ... if you have to say you're a "very honest guy," then you're probably not actually ... oh fuck it.

Oh yeah, and also he is now claiming he won "women" in the 2016 election, he literally says, "In my opinion I might have won women," which makes sense when you remember he's a white supremacist idiot and that he's only talking about white women (who can fuck right off), because he's a bigot.

Finally, here is Trump's pitch for winning in 2020:

STEPHANOPOULOS: So that's the pitch?

TRUMP: No, I-- I have no pitch.

Holy fuck, he told the truth.

(The pitch is "help me Russia, you're my only hope!")

Other things happened in the interview -- so many things, so many lies -- so check out the full transcript if you want to. Or if you want to skip that entirely, we wouldn't judge you.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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