The 562,829 Best Times Paul Manafort And Rick Gates Were SUCH A IDIOT In Robert Mueller's Latest Indictments

These two fuckers right here.

Another morning, another round of LATE AFTERNOON NEWS DROP to catch you up on, and it is that special counsel Robert Mueller has dropped a new 32 COUNT INDICTMENT on Paul Manafort and Rick Gates, just in case we didn't think they were guilty enough already. And oh boy, for a document about bank and tax fraud, it's quite a fun read, because these guys are brazen IDIOTS.

Now, you may be wondering does this mean the plea deal Rick Gates was negotiating is off or stalled? Betsy Woodruff reported at the Daily Beast on Thursday that Gates is getting cold feet about flipping, and that he's firing the new lawyer he just hired, Tom Green, who was negotiating a plea deal with Mueller. BUT NOW Maggie Haberman is reporting at the New York Times that yeah, Gates is def pleading guilty and flipping, possibly as soon as this afternoon, probably because of these new indictments. Guess we'll just see what happens a little later today, how about!

These indictments, on top of the alleged money laundering and literal actual foreign agent stuff and the conspiracies against the United States, show Paul Manafort and Rick Gates lying on tax returns and defrauding American banks and hiding dirty moneys in Cyprus and other small island nations, and so much more. Is there a white collar crime these guys have not committed? Who can say!

A big takeaway from the new indictments is that while they may not appear to be directly tied to NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION, they definitely show Manafort and Gates committing money crimes during the Trump campaign and the transition. They also show that sometimes when two criming idiots love each other very much, they will leave a criminal paper trail because one of them is too big of A Idiot to change a Microsoft Word file into a PDF. Doy doy doy doy doy!

There's also a weird thing about how everybody is having to go back and forth between DC and the Eastern District of Virginia, because one of the defendants (Manafort) refused to waive venue and allow this to be tried in DC. As the Washington Post explains, because all the tax returns involved in the indictment were filed in Virginia, the case couldn't be tried in DC. Gates waived venue, which would be typical behavior for somebody who's flipping this afternoon and doesn't intend for this to go to trial, especially not twice.

Here's a nice summary from WaPo, including a quote from the beginning of the indictment:

The new indictment offers a more detailed portrait of what prosecutors say was a multiyear scheme by Manafort and Gates to use their income from working for a Ukrainian political party to buy properties, evade taxes and support a lavish lifestyle even after their business connections in Kiev evaporated.

“Manafort and Gates generated tens of millions of dollars in income as a result of their Ukraine work. From approximately 2006 through the present, Manafort and Gates engaged in a scheme to hide income from United States authorities, while enjoying the use of the money,” the indictment charges.

Greedy fuckers.

As Mueller lays out, these fuckweasels' criming schemes had two phases: 1) between 2006 and 2015, when they were making shit tons of money and hiding it, but still finding creative ways to enjoy their riches just the same; and 2) between 2015 and JANUARY OF 2017 WHEN DONALD TRUMP WAS INAUGURATED, when they used Manafort's real estate, bought with blood money, as collateral to get big loans Manafort did not actually qualify for, due to how he was kinda poor when it came to actual legal money and also had bad credit. How many loans? TWENTY MILLION IN LOANS.

How much dirty money in offshore accounts are we talking about in total? SEVENTY-FIVE MILLION DIRTY MONEYS:

And how did this work in real time? Well, when Paul Manafort wanted to buy nice things, like thousands of dollars worth of antique rugs, instead of writing a check or using his AmEx (because it was maxed out at THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS and he hadn't paid on it in months, no we are not kidding), he would say, "Would you mind if I just wire the money for this delightful antique rug from Cyprus or maybe the Grenadines?" Strangely, a rug vendor in Alexandria, Virginia, was cool with that! Or if Manafort wanted one million new pairs of fancy underpants, he would do the same with a store in New York or another store in Beverly Hills. Home renovations in the Hamptons or Florida or Virginia? Direct wires from fake offshore companies to the contractors! Paul Manafort want a nice Range Rover? How about FOUR OF THEM, and also a Mercedes, all paid with wire transfers?

Manafort also bought real estate this way. Condo in Brooklyn? Just wire the money from Cyprus and call it a "loan" instead of "income"! Manafort moved $13,214,000 in this way.

As Mueller lays out, this is not just a matter of Manafort and Gates occasionally forgetting to report a foreign bank account or income to the proper authorities. It's that they did it EVERY TIME WITH EVERY DIRTY MONEY THEY TOUCHED FOR OVER 10 YEARS.

Gates was telling those same lies "as recently as October 2017." Like we said, they were doing this shit while they were working for Trump. Better get to flippin', Rick Gates!

Everyone at Wonkette agrees the funniest part of the indictments is related to Manafort's scheme to get big mortgage loans on his properties by lying to banks, which in essence gave him liquid money he didn't have to pay taxes on. Just read this shit (by the way "P&L" stands for "Profit and Loss Statement"):

OK, so Manafort is begging for a big loan, but he cannot qualify with his actual income. So he emailed his work wife Rick Gates like "Hey, doctor this PDF document up for me so we can lie to banks a lot?" So Gates converted the PDF document into a Word file, made the changes and sent it back to Manafort, who apparently cannot do computers for himself, at which point Manafort was like "Please turn the fake new document into a professional-looking PDF like the old one, sweetheart? I will buy you those cakes you like." So Gates did that, and holy shit, criminal email chain!

Also, there's a part where the bookkeeper is like "I AIN'T EDITING THAT P&L, IT IS NOT ALLOWED UNDER ACCRUAL METHOD" and your editrix Rebecca keeps imitating an outraged bookkeeper shrieking "ACCRUAL METHOD" which is the second funniest thing in the world after the Word-doc-to-PDF EPIC JOURNEY.

Better yet? This wasn't the only time Gates and Manafort pulled that scheme. They falsified income information, debt information, like fuckers were just constantly cold fuckin' LYIN', like common professional liars.

Did we mention that they were pulling this shit DURING THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN AND TRANSITION? We feel like we should mention that again, because stupid people like Stupidest Man On The Internet Jim Hoft are lying and saying this all happened before that, because they know their readers are stupid sheep.

If you are as obsessed with reading documents as Donald Trump obviously is, you should read the whole entire indictment yourself! SPOILER, here is the ending:

That's right, the ending is Robert Mueller's signature, because Robert Mueller 'bout to fuck these two boys the fuck up!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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