Rudy Giuliani and the only four other lawyers in the country clownstupid enough to represent Donald Trump at this point did another press conference, y'all. It was very important, obviously, because they have one million secret evidences of voter fraud, and nine gabillion secret affidavits from people who swear they saw Goody Biden steal Trump votes, and they would show them to you, except for how if they show you, then they won't be a secret anymore do you even know how secrets work, STUPIDHEAD?

We have zero time or bandwidth to engage with the particulars of this clownshow, because if we're going to dive deep into something that doesn't matter, it's going to be a time-waster we care about. Also Rudy Giuliani's track record with "law" is not great; if Mike Flynn's redneck lawyer Sidney Powell doesn't huff paint, she needs to see a neurologist; Victoria Toensing and Joe DiGenova are the same Fox News hairballs Donald Trump deemed too ugly and stinky to represent him a couple years ago, in perhaps his only correct decision as president; and Jenna Ellis — what can one say of Jenna Ellis's brain that hasn't been said of any tattered windsock after a hurricane?

Point is, the second a real lawyer says one of these chucklefucks has a point, or if they — ELL-OH-ELL — win a case or something, we'll listen. Until then, let's point and laugh.

Oh, by the way, you will note that this press conference was held at the Republican National Committee. We are left to assume Four Seasons Total Landscaping was booked.

Here are the best parts:


The Part Where They Had A Map Showing All Their Very Real Paths To Victory

You betcha.

The Part Where This Was The Team Of Clownstupids Present, Because No Other Lawyer In America Is Willing To Defend Donald Trump

The law firm of Wackass, Jackass, Windsock and Hairball, everyone!

The Part Where We Got This Screengrab Of The Worst New Dick Wolf Franchise Ever: 'Law & Order: POLE WATCHERS!'

Your new Elliott Stabler and Olivia Benson, America!

Rudy Giuliani "tucks his shirt in" during every episode, so not for kids!

The Part Where Rudy Actually Showed His Evidence Haha Just Kidding No He Didn't

In this clip, you will learn that Rudy literally believes that "Mickey Mouse" and "a dead person" and "the same person 30 times" voted, and says the recount in Georgia is meaningless, because they are just going to count Mickey Mouse 30 times again. You know, in Georgia, which is run by Republicans.


The Part Where Rudy Did My Cousin Vinny Instead Of Showing Any Evidence

Says it's his favorite law movie. Yep.

And Then Jenna Ellis Said THIS IS NOT 'LAW & ORDER,' Right After Rudy Did My Cousin Vinny


This whole video is wonderful. Ellis is MADSOMAD at the journalists for what they are going to write tomorrow (or right now, dumbass!) about this press conference. She just knows journalists are going to write that they provided "insufficient evidence" (check!) and that they "spoke too long." (Check check!)

She then LAWSPLAINED LIKE A LAWYER that today's clownshow was merely an "opening statement" and that the trial comes later. THIS IS NOT "LAW & ORDER," OK? IT TAKES THEM MORE THAN ONE HOUR TO MAKE THIS EXCREMENT-FILLED LEGAL SAUSAGE!


And Then Jenna Ellis Called This Group Of Week-Old Leftovers An 'Elite Strike Force'

It's funny because we're not kidding.

The Part Where (((GEORGE SOROS JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW ANTIFA BLACK LIVES MATTER JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW)))

Hey, did you know that (((Jew)))? Rudy Giuliani has some "evidence" of voter fraud, and it is (((JEW))).


The Part Where Rudy Was Leaking The Whole Time

Here it is, your moment of Zen:

The Part Where Rudy Admitted That All They Really Want To Do Is Delete All Black People's Votes

"It changes the result of the election in Michigan if you take out Wayne County."

Yep, Rudy, and if you take away the flyover pigfuck parts of Tennessee and Mississippi and Alabama and South Carolina and Arkansas and Louisiana, Biden sweeps the South!

Here's where he noted the same about Wisconsin, but this time wanted to delete Milwaukee, and referred to as "lawful" only the votes outside Milwaukee. You know, where it's whiter.

Rudy's point, as far as we can tell, is that he is a demented racist.

Anyway, Rudy also said out loud with his mouth that he's trying to "overturn the election." Yep, out loud! With his mouth!

Keep talking, dumbshit.

The Part Where Michael Flynn's Redneck Lawyer Said Hugo Chavez Stole The Election For Joe Biden ... FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!

No, we are not goddamn kidding.

COMMUNIST MONEY! DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS! CREATED IN VENEZUELA! AT THE DIRECTION OF HUGO CHAVEZ!

If any of that made sense to you, you should probably take that dementia test Donald Trump always brags about acing.

Here's the part where Sidney Powell, her voice breaking like a mad idiot, says "President Trump won by a landslide" and that she wants us to "know right now that we will not be intimidated" LOLOLOLOLOL she is just the best.

She also said the Dominion voting machines operators went in and added votes for Joe Biden in the middle of the night, which affects voting all over the world.

TFW you may be the only human alive whose brain has more raccoons in it than Donald Trump's brain. Poor woman.

The Part Where This Was Jenna Ellis's Real Reaction To Her Own Press Conference

Rudy released something, all right.

The Part Where This Was Fox News's Reaction To The Very Important Rudy Giuliani Press Conference

Sorry, jerkoffs, Fox News can't even do this with a straight face anymore. The reporter calls Giuliani's "voter fraud" claims "baseless," and points out that he provided no evidence that there was some kind of nationwide voter fraud conspiracy in cities with lots of Black people, as he alleged. She notes that Rudy is leaking out of both sides of his head when he screams about voter fraud, since he's already said in court that these cases aren't about fraud, since they can't find any. She notes that Rudy was wrong — lying or stupid? yes — when he said Michigan's election has now been decertified because a couple Republican elections board members in Wayne County are screaming "I RESCIND!" It's still certified, dumbass.

Oh yeah, and the Fox News reporter said Rudy's "Multiple Paths to Victory" map was bad, since he never actually showed "multiple paths to victory." Or any paths to victory.

If the enraged Trump tweet about Fox News isn't up by the time we post this, it's coming.

In summary and in conclusion, this was a very good press conference, the libs have been totally owned, and with lawyers like these, Donald Trump will obviously be president for life.

The end.

OPEN THREAD.

[most videos via Aaron Rupar]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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