The 68,423 Most Fucked Up Quotes In Michael Wolff's Trump Book That AREN'T About Steve Bannon

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Everybody on the internet is reading Michael Wolff's new book I've Been Holding Steve Bannon's Legs Back So He Can Suck His Own Cock For 350 Pages And Boy Are My Arms Tired! It is exciting and it is WHOA IF TRUE! Also, Trump is MAD ABOUT IT, so that's fun. Get a load of this hilarious statement, which the president certainly wrote all by hisself, with his very good brain:

Oh boy!

Honestly, we do not know what Steve Bannon is up to here, sounding like a common Wonkette about how Donald Trump Jr. and Jared Kushner are full of treason. There is something very chaotic going on with the news this week, what with Trump tickling his giggle button in front of Kim Jong-un and Fusion GPS throwing the fuck down against Trump and the GOP. Meanwhile, Robert Mueller is over there in the corner like SHHHH BE VEWY QUIET I AM HUNTING WABBITS, so .... yeah. Shit is weird.

But anyway, this book! Despite what you might have heard, the whole book was not actually a pop-up book porno of Steve Bannon bumping uglies with his reflection in the mirror. Wolff -- and do, by all means, remember to sprinkle your grains of salt on everything, as Wolff isn't partic known for strenuous "reporting" -- got many scoops about the inner workings of the campaign and the first 200 days of the Trump White House, so we will give you some of best quotes that WEREN'T said by Steve Bannon with a mouth full of Steve Bannon.

Some of these come from an excerpt printed in New York Magazine about how, for real, Donald Trump did NOT want to be president of all those yokels who voted for him, how his campaign was all a big business scam in the first place, and then when he was inexplicably elected ("elected"), everybody in his orbit lost their damn minds. The others are tweets from NBC's Peter Alexander, who has also been reading along.

Let's roll!

Shortly after 8 p.m. on Election Night, when the unexpected trend—Trump might actually win—seemed confirmed, Don Jr. told a friend that his father, or DJT, as he calls him, looked as if he had seen a ghost. Melania was in tears—and not of joy.

Early in the campaign, Sam Nunberg was sent to explain the Constitution to the candidate. “I got as far as the Fourth Amendment,” Nunberg recalled, “before his finger is pulling down on his lip and his eyes are rolling back in his head.”

“You need a son of a bitch as your chief of staff,” [Roger Ailes] told Trump. “And you need a son of a bitch who knows Washington. You’ll want to be your own son of a bitch, but you don’t know Washington.” Ailes had a suggestion: John Boehner, who had stepped down as Speaker of the House only a year earlier.

“Who’s that?” asked Trump.

Trump, in fact, found the White House to be vexing and even a little scary. He retreated to his own bedroom—the first time since the Kennedy White House that a presidential couple had maintained separate rooms. In the first days, he ordered two television screens in addition to the one already there, and a lock on the door, precipitating a brief standoff with the Secret Service, who insisted they have access to the room. He ­reprimanded the housekeeping staff for picking up his shirt from the floor: “If my shirt is on the floor, it’s because I want it on the floor.” Then he imposed a set of new rules: Nobody touch anything, especially not his toothbrush. (He had a longtime fear of being poisoned, one reason why he liked to eat at McDonald’s—nobody knew he was coming and the food was safely premade.)


Anyway, Wonkette wishes White House staffers a very safe and happy wintry day! Sorry about how your boss sucks each and every day, but especially today. LOL just kidding, we are not sorry, your dumb complicit asses signed up for this.

Post over!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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