New White House Chief of Staff John Kelly has stopped ALL THE LEAKS, except for here's a new one! The Washington Post has published transcripts of the very embarrassing phone calls Donald Trump had with the leaders of Australia and Mexico just a couple weeks into his failed presidency. Remember how we LOLed in horror about those calls at the time? We knew Trump made buffoon words at Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto about "bad hombres," and that he told Malcolm Turnbull, prime minister of Australia, that their phone call was the worst one he'd had all day, even worse than his chit-chat with Putin, which is crazy because Putin probably just said "pee pee! pee pee!" over and over again, which must have been uncomfortable for Trump. At the time, the White House's excuse for the Australian call was that Trump was very sleepy, due to how it was like 5 PM.

But now we have these delicious TRANSCRIPTS! David Frum writes at The Atlantic about how horrifying it is that they were leaked, and he makes good points about how important it is for national security for the president to be able to communicate with world leaders privately. Meanwhile, Tommy Vietor, Obama's NSC spokesperson, is on Twitter saying he'd have shit a brick if this happened during the Obama years.

On the other hand ...

Therefore, DELICIOUS TRANSCRIPTS! Here are our favorite dumbfuck things our dumbfuck president said to the leaders of Mexico and Australia, two of our allies:

HOLA, you fucking buffoon! Trump's call with Enrique Peña Nieto, president of Mexico.

Donald Trump started by telling Peña Nieto he won by historic margins among Mexican Hispanics, especially the Cuban Mexican Hispanics:

In the latest election, I won with a large percentage of Hispanic voters. I do not know if you heard, but with Cuba, I had 84 percent, with the Cuban-American vote. But overall generally, I had well over 30 percent and everyone was shocked to see this.

The WaPo rates Trump's statement as "false," whereas Wonkette rates it as "YOOGE."

Trump interrupted Trump's train of thought to brag about the big crowds Trump got at Trump rallies:

Enrique, if I can interrupt – this is not a new proposal. This is what I have been saying for a year and a half on the campaign trail. I have been telling this to every group of 50,000 people or 25,000 people – because no one got people in their rallies as big as I did.

Trump told his pal Enrique about why he won New Hampshire, a state he didn't actually win:

Up in New Hampshire – I won New Hampshire because New Hampshire is a drug-infested den – is coming from the southern border.

OH REALLY? Maggie Hassan and Jeanne Shaheen, the senators from New Hampshire, would like to GO THE FUCK OFF on Trump about that.

It's fun when transcripts like this leak!

Trump said he would help Mexico with the bad hombres, because Mexico is bad at knocking out the bad hombres. No, for real, that's exactly what he said:

You have some pretty tough hombres in Mexico that you may need help with, and we are willing to help you with that big-league. But they have to be knocked out and you have not done a good job of knocking them out.

Enrique Peña Nieto speaks English -- Trump admitted during the call that he speaks better English than Trump! -- but can you imagine what a living hell it must be to translate Trump's words for foreign leaders?

Next up, Trump begged Peña Nieto to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pay for the Mexico wall, because Trump has been telling everybody Mexico is paying for the wall, and if Mexico doesn't pay for the wall, people might think Trump is bad at the Art Of The Deal. FROWNY FACE. Or if Mexico won't actually pay for the wall, can he PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop saying that in public?

My people stand up and say, “Mexico will pay for the wall” and your people probably say something in a similar but slightly different language. But the fact is we are both in a little bit of a political bind because I have to have Mexico pay for the wall – I have to. [...]

So what I would like to recommend is – if we are going to have continued dialogue – we will work out the wall. They are going to say, “who is going to pay for the wall, Mr. President?” to both of us, and we should both say, “we will work it out.” It will work out in the formula somehow. As opposed to you saying, “we will not pay” and me saying, “we will not pay.” [...]

We cannot say that anymore because if you are going to say that Mexico is not going to pay for the wall, then I do not want to meet with you guys anymore because I cannot live with that. [...]

But you cannot say anymore that the United States is going to pay for the wall. I am just going to say that we are working it out.

Enrique Peña Nieto said a little later that #FactCheck, Mexico was not paying for his precious fucking wall, and Trump demanded yet again that he not say that to the press. Oh, to have been in the room with the president of Mexico, watching his facial expressions and the jack-off motions he was (ALLEGEDLY!) making with his right hand.

It is you and I against the world, Enrique, do not forget.

You bet, President Fuck-Bonkers!

G'DAY, you fucking buffoon! Trump's call with Malcolm Turnbull, prime minister of Australia.

This one requires a bit more context. Trump and Malcolm Turnbull were talking about a refugee resettlement program Australia and the United States had already agreed on, and that Trump clearly didn't understand. So Turnbull -- patiently! -- tried to explain to him that no, Americans were not required to take 2,000 refugees that Australia didn't want, that America was allowed to vet them and reject whomever they want, and so on. Trump ... did not get it. So he kept saying things like this:

And I am saying, boy that will make us look awfully bad. Here I am calling for a ban where I am not letting anybody in and we take 2,000 people. Really it looks like 2,000 people that Australia does not want and I do not blame you by the way, but the United States has become like a dumping ground. [...]

We have our San Bernardinos, we have had the World Trade Center come down because of people that should not have been in our country, and now we are supposed to take 2,000. It sends such a bad signal. You have no idea. It is such a bad thing.

Turnbull -- again, patiently! -- asked, "Can you hear me out?" Trump was like "sure whatever." Turnbull explained that no, it's not 2,000 people (and it's not 5,000, as Trump also asserted in the call), it's 1,250 people, and so forth. Trump responded with more buffoon shit:

I will say I hate it. Look, I spoke to Putin, Merkel, Abe of Japan, to France today, and this was my most unpleasant call because I will be honest with you. I hate taking these people. I guarantee you they are bad. That is why they are in prison right now. They are not going to be wonderful people who go on to work for the local milk people.

Trump only wants the most tremendous, terrific refugees, the ones who work for the Local Milk People. WHO IN THE FUCK ARE THE "LOCAL MILK PEOPLE"?

Trump went on to call Turnbull a fuck-up and also to brag about his Electoral College win:

Look, I do not know how you got them to sign a deal like this, but that is how they lost the election. They said I had no way to 270 and I got 306. That is why they lost the election, because of stupid deals like this. You have brokered many a stupid deal in business and I respect you, but I guarantee that you broke many a stupid deal. This is a stupid deal. This deal will make me look terrible.

This conversation is making you look terrible, you dumb dickhead.

It went on and on and on like this. Trump said he didn't want to take any of these gross Muslims. Turnbull replied that they were economic refugees, Trump was like "WHAT ABOUT THE BOSTON BOMBERS?" Turnbull was like, "They were Russian." Trump replied, "They were from wherever they were."


TRUMP: As far as I am concerned that is enough Malcom [sic]. I have had it. I have been making these calls all day and this is the most unpleasant call all day. Putin was a pleasant call. This is ridiculous.

TURNBULL: Do you want to talk about Syria and DPRK?

TRUMP: [inaudible] This is crazy.


OK, leakers. We would like a phone call with Angela Merkel next, please and thank you.

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[Washington Post]

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I'd mentioned this week that there's definitely probably a tape out there of Donald Trump referring to a black person as a "nigger," because Trump is a racist and that's sort of what they do. Sarah Huckabee Sanders won't even affirmatively deny such a tape exists, and she's from the "two plus two equals five" school of communications management. I also speculated that once the tape was released, Republican supporters of the president would flock to defend his vile words: "Hey, if you rearrange the letters in "nigger," you get "ginger" and who doesn't like redheads and the occasional Dark 'n' Stormy?"

The shameful display has already started and the supposed recording isn't even available for pre-order on iTunes. George State Senator Michael Williams stated in appearance on CNN's "New Day Saturday" that if Trump -- who's the president, by the way -- did say "nigger," it would certainly concern him as an "individual" but "not necessarily as a person that is running our country." So, uh, what the hell is that? This has been a standard argument from Republicans ever since Trump crawled his way out of the sewers of birtherism and onto a major political stage: "We think Trump is a terrible human being -- seriously, we have to shower immediately after meeting with him -- but we still think he's a suitable steward of the most powerful nation on the planet."

Normally, you'd think this would work the other way. You know, your brother-in-law is a nice enough guy. Your sister certainly could've done worse. You don't mind the slightly rambling sports-ball discussions with him at family gatherings. He's good for looking after the kids (as long as your sister is present or reachable by cell), but you'd never invest your hard-earned money into whatever half-assed business venture he's trying to get off the ground nor would you back his run for any serious political office.

I've long had issues with the "brilliant asshole" archetype in TV and movies. It's almost always a white male (because women and minorities must be perfect) whose emotional immaturity and overall jerkass behavior we're told to overlook because they're so goshdarned awesome. Do you want some PC "cuck" or do you want Dr. House to figure out that the MS symptoms you're suffering are really just because you ate a stale doughnut? Sherlock Holmes doesn't have time for your feelings or social niceties -- not while he's solving mysteries and being dreamy.

Trump, however, isn't "brilliant." He's just a guy who says "nigger." They're hardly a scarcity in the market. You don't even have to venture out to a klan rally to find one. You can order online -- same day social media delivery.

Williams argues that Trump didn't use the word "nigger" when he was in the "office of the president." It was just some youthful indiscretion when he was almost 60. I don't even know where he's going with this. Does he think Trump has changed? He routinely insults and belittles black people. He also calls black NFL players who peacefully protest "sons of bitches." Was that his way of weaning off calling us "niggers"? Has he been wearing a "nigger" patch on his arm to control his cravings for the racial epithet?

"He used the word in his personal life," Williams said. (It was actually in a workplace context -- SER) "Now if he were president and were to go on TV and use the n-word, I'd have a major problem with that."

It's heartening repulsive to see that Williams draws the line at Trump holding an official "nigger" press conference. I think once we reach that point, Trump will probably also reveal that his buddies on the Supreme Court discovered a typo in the Thirteenth Amendment and black folks' work-life balance will start to really suffer.

"I will always say using the n-word is wrong, and it's bad, and should never be accepted in our society. But just because (Trump) might have done it years ago, not as our president, doesn't mean we need to continue to berate him because he used it," GOP state Sen. Michael Williams, who is white, told CNN's Victor Blackwell on "New Day Saturday."

Blackwell, who is black, had to sit there and listen to this crap from a white elected official who is just 45 years old. You know, the word "nigger" doesn't even appear in the Dred Scott decision, for example, but that's not necessary for reasonable people to understand that it was racist as hell. We all know Trump is racist, but now Republicans can't even repudiate the worst demonstrations of his racial animus. The first black president hasn't even been out of office for two full years and already "nigger" is being redefined. What would once end a campaign in its tracks when Blackwell and I were growing up is now just an "oops, my bad."

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Conservatives want to be oppressed. Or, rather, for everyone to think they are being oppressed and to then give them what they see as the impunity and moral upper hand that comes along with being an oppressed group of people. They want it very, very badly and think it is very unfair that all the people they have oppressed have this privilege and they do not. This morning, Trump took to Twitter to vow to protect them from the worst kind of oppression of all -- imaginary social media censorship!

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