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The one thing we haven't spent much time on after Wednesday's inaugural impeachment hearing of Donald J. Trump is what Fox News was doing while it was going on. As there will be 678,000 of these hearings, we won't be able to write a post like this for each one. Hell, next week we're doing THREE DAYS STRAIGHT of hearings.

That said, Fox News was pretty sure Fox News didn't know what the fuck to do with all this. Herein, we will rank the 876,601 dumbest things Fox News and its hosts had to say about the hearings, both while they were going and afterward, and by "rank" we mean "in no particular order," and by "876,601" we mean "not that."


1. The One Where The Lawyers From Hairball & Hairball Said (((George Soros))) Actually Controls The State Department, And Also The FBI, Which Means George Kent And Bill Taylor ... Uhhhhh ... They Dunno.

Wonkette's Five Dollar Feminist already had MANY THOUGHTS on this one, and you should read them, but we must include the video in this post, because it happened on Fox news.

2. The One Where Laura Ingraham, Who Fucked Dinesh D'Souza ON PURPOSE, Somehow Asserted That Sexy Nerd Daddy George Kent Was Some Kind Of Unfuckable ScaredyPussy McGrossFace.

Again, she fucked Dinesh D'Souza. On his penis.

3. The One Where Fox News Showed These Graphics During The Hearing, To Keep Their Octogenarian Viewers From Getting Confused And Accidentally LISTENING To The Witnesses.

DEEEEP STAAAAAAATE NEVER TRUMPER! (via here)

4. The One Where ... OK Hold On LOL! ... GEORGE KENT ... Drank ... No Listen, This Is Great ... SOME WATER! DURING THE HEARING! Like, What Is THAT About?!

Was he on a TREADMILL, asked Laura Ingraham?!

Oh well, guess you had to be there.

5. The One Where Laura Ingraham Said ... OK, For Real, This One Is Funny! ... Laura Ingraham Said BILL TAYLOR Reminds Her Of A Guy From A SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL! From The 1980s!

She is incorrect unless the shampoo video starred Shadoe Stevens, because did you HEAR him?

6. The One Where Everybody Had SICK BURNS For George Kent And Bill Taylor!

Some very clever one-liners about career public servants and patriots Bill Taylor and George Kent, on the Fox News!

  • Kellyanne Conway said on "Fox & Friends" that those guys are "gossip girls."
  • Tucker Carlson guest Christian Whiton said those guys "looked like people who sat by themselves at recess."
  • Mark Levin said those guys looked like "two homeless guys." (Definitely not fuckable SAVE A HORSE, RIDE A COWBOYS! like Dinesh D'Souza, right Laura Ingraham AMIRITE AMIRITE AMIRITE?)

YA BURNT!

7. The One Where Tucker Giggled Like A Syphilitic Mozart About ... Dunno, Guess He Just Had The Giggles In His Jiggles!

Okeydokey, Tuckie Duckie! Not even sure if that one was about Bill Taylor and George Kent, because we don't watch that stupid show, but whatever!

OK, seven things is enough, we don't need to go all the way to 876,601.

You may have an open thread, though. Marie Yovanovitch testimony bright 'n' early, get your beauty sleep!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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