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The 9,834 Times Beto O'Rourke Made Ted Cruz Look Like A Creepy Asshole

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The debate last night between Republican Sen. Ted Cruz and Democratic Rep. Beto O'Rourke was about what you'd expect from a debate featuring a man who lies almost as much as Donald Trump. While Beto spent the majority of the one-hour debate making impassioned pleas on race and healthcare, Cruz hissed half-truths and insults through his silver tongue and phony Texas drawl. At the end we were left with one conclusion: One of these men should be a US Senator, and one of these men is Ted Cruz.


Regardless of which flavor of news you prefer, every one of the press wizards agrees that the debate was one of those fiery back-and-forths you don't often see in the age of Trump. Fox News all but declared Cruz the winner by labeling Beto a reckless drunk, while the Old Grey Lady penned a hatchet job that make us question the mental health of Editor in Chief, Dean Baquet. NPR's human pencil made sure to report just the facts, and the lede in the Dallas Morning News makes it seem as if a desperate Cruz started screaming "TEXAS" as he shot an AR-15 and pumped his fist during a finale of fireworks.

As the first of three debates, this one focused on domestic policy and touched on issues like health care, immigration, and gun violence. When a question about the death of 26-year-old Bothan Jean at the hands of a Dallas police officer (who is currently charged with manslaughter) was brought up, Cruz attacked O'Rourke for calling for the officer to be fired and saying police killings of black people amount to "modern day Jim Crow." But when Cruz cited a WaPo fact-check that found Beto neither right or wrong in saying cops kill black kids, Beto called Cruz a goddamn liar who peddles the "politics of fear," then noted that this is why Ted Cruz has no friends in Washington, and why voters find him creepy.

Beto has already made a name for himself with a bad-ass stump speech in support of people kneeling for equal rights, which he kind of delivered verbatim when the question came up. Ted Cruz said he has many black friends, and even pulled out a rumbled photo of himself kicking slam dunks in basketball rings with Frederick Douglass and MLK. Beto responded by doubling down and saying the issue of kneeling isn't about personal politics, it's about equal rights.

Ted Cruz's ability to create 90 second sound bites for people with short attention spans came after a question on supporting Christine Blasey Ford. After meandering his way through Republican talking points, Cruz said Kavanaugh's nomination was really about Jesus, Hillary Clinton, and the Second Amendment. Clutching his pearls, Cruz then accused Beto of attempting to write the Second Amendment out of the Bill of Rights which led both candidates bickering back and forth as Ted Cruz demanded to know if Beto supported Hillary Clinton.

The most hilarious moment of the whole debate came when was a question about whether or not Ted Cruz has any dignity after the 2016 election. Since Ted Cruz never had any dignity, he dodged the question, and said he serves the president. This prompted Beto to pull out some crayons and draw a straight line from Cruz to Trump and Putin, and remind Cruz that "we are a nation of laws, and not one of men."

At one point, Beto admitted to his DWI in the early 1990s, and denied fleeing the scene. Beto called it a mistake, but noted he got a second chance that many people of color never get, adding, "If I change that then I will have done something good with my life." When questions of healthcare came up, Cruz bullshited a repugnant answer about how his sister overdosed, then casually glossed how over how he's spent the last six years trying to kill Obamacare and protections for pre-existing conditions by complaining about higher premiums and the opioid crisis. Cruz then called Beto a communist, complained that Beto wants to raise taxes, and claimed Beto would reenact Logan's Run on old people after giving Mexicans free healthcare. Beto responded by reminding everyone that Cruz shutdown the government, and rarely bothers to even show up to do his damn job.

At the end Beto and Cruz were forced to say nice things about each other. Beto said he and Cruz were ideologically different, but he admired Cruz's dedication and thanked him for his service. Cruz replied with a half-assed ditto, and noted that it's nice how Americans no longer lynch filthy negro-loving commies like Beto O'Rourke. "True to form," Beto quipped.

For their closing statements, Ted Cruz walked down from the podium and spent the next two minutes putting the fear of guns, God and government into all the old people tearfully gripping their guns and Bibles. Cruz made sure to say "Texas" and "socialism" as much as humanly possible, and reminded his wealthy donors about all the bonuses they have under the Trump tax cuts (for the super rich). Beto closed out by saying that "we're not running against anyone, we're not running against anything, we're not running against another political party," and said how he's running for the uninsured, teachers, fixing jails, mental health clinics, and keeping public schools. He finished by saying, "Thank you for inspiring me....I am grateful."

Our hot take: Beto walked away with some blood on his lip, but he still rocked out. Ted Cruz was shaken and limping, but his lack of dignity and the bile that courses through his veins left him standing. There's two more debates and you better believe we'll be here for them!

You can watch the full debate here.

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.

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