The Case Of The Missing Ditch Ballots: A Kayleigh McEnany Mystery
Chapter 1: The Ditch Ballots
"In the last 24 hours, police in Greenville, Wisconsin, found mail in a ditch, and it included absentee ballots," said the intrepid White House Press Secretary to the vicious reporters assembled in the briefing room that Thursday, September 24. She knew there was rampant ballot fraud. She just knew it! The trouble was proving it to those pesky liberals always looking for "proof" and "objective facts" and "sources other than Gateway Pundit." UGHHHH!
Luckily, Kayleigh McEnany, our spunky, un-masked heroine had a plan!
Chapter 2: The Mailman Caper
"Did you see what's going on?" demanded the president of Chris Wallace.
Wallace was attempting to moderate a debate and regretting all his life choices that led up to that moment. Why, oh, why had those fools at the debate commission refused to allow him to use a cattle prod?
But the crazy orange man was still talking.
"Take a look at West Virginia, mailman selling the ballots. They're being sold. They're being dumped in rivers. This is a horrible thing for our country."
And as one, our country reached for the remote to shut the cursed box off.
Chapter 3: The Rogue Reporter
Back in the briefing room, our heroine was having a bad day. Everyone at the White House was acting strangely. Suddenly masks were everywhere, and Hope Hicks had taken her eyebrow pencil and gone home. For how long, wondered Kayleigh distractedly as she praised Judge Amy Bony Carrot for being a Rhodes scholar.
How could those filthy liberals vote against a Rhodes Scholar?
But then some reporter said she wasn't that after all.
"Um, that's what I have written here," Kayleigh snapped.
"My bad," she sighed, flustered to discover that Carrot had graduated from Rhodes College in Tennessee. Who would even know the difference!
But then things got worse.
"As you know, the President has criticized the mail-in voting process quite a bit over the last few weeks. The other day, he said, 'They found a lot of ballots in a river.' Who is 'they'?" snarked a reporter swathed in a giant, black face mask. A Fox reporter!
"So what the President was referring to are something that we've seen just in the last seven days where, in Wisconsin, there were trays of mail ending up in a ditch. So that's, I believe, the specific he was referring to, and that included absentee ballots," Kayleigh responded tartly, hoping to put the matter to rest.
But the rude man would not be deterred.
"I cover the news, and I like to report accurately in the news. And when the President says, 'They found a lot of ballots in a river,' I simply want to know where the river is," he yammered on, demanding over and over to know where this river was.
Probably in Rhodes, Germany, thought Kayleigh, as she tried deftly to redirect him, insisting that mail ballot fraud needed to be believed in without proof, like Santa Claus and trickle down economics.
"There are problems with mass mail-in voting. I under- — I actually don't understand the lack of journalistic curiosity and reporting on this," she huffed, as the man babbled on and on about rivers.
Her plan was not going well! And even worse, the room was full of cameras recording her every move.
"When the President said they found a lot of ballots in the river: Where is the river?" @PressSec doesn't answer. https://t.co/Y9WoXayEBo— Oliver Darcy (@Oliver Darcy) 1601567119.0
Chapter 4: The Ballots That Were Never There
"There was mail found outside of Appleton and that mail did not include any Wisconsin ballots," Meagan Wolfe, director of the Wisconsin Elections Commission, told reporters Thursday. Although the Outagamie County Sheriff's Office said last week that the recovered trays included several absentee ballots, bolstering the president's claims of widespread irregularities with mail-in voting, that Wisconsin ditch stubbornly refused to cooperate and cough up the goods.
Well! Everyone knows Wisconsin ditches have a liberal bias.
What was our heroine to do? She'd been caught in an outright fabrication, something that happened several times a day. But still! Would reporters ask her about the ditch ballots at today's briefing?
No! Because they had all moved on to The Case of How Did Half the White House Get Sick and Who Should Be Blamed for the Level of Gross Negligence That Allowed the Leader of the Free World to Catch a Highly Contagious Virus and Keep Traveling While His Test Results Were Pending. Kayleigh had never felt so lucky.
"He socially distanced, it was at an outdoor event, and it was deemed safe by White House Operations," she said, in her best grownup voice, before turning back to attack the press.
"No, I did not know when I briefed that Hope Hicks was positive. I've seen some inaccurate reporting," she smiled condescendingly. "We encourage you to ask a question before you report it."
And that's how Kayleigh McEnany solved The Mystery of the Missing Ditch Ballots. With grit, perseverance, and a little assist from a global pandemic.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.