The End Is Near: Time Running Out To Join Amazing Jesus Pyramid Scheme

The End Is Near: Time Running Out To Join Amazing Jesus Pyramid Scheme

Greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ! This morning we would like to appeal to your faith and spirit of service to pass on the chief message of the New Testament: Gotta get that paper, stack that paper, take they paper. Jesus wants you to make a shit-ton of money, friend, and we have received — in our very own email inbox! — the way to do it.

Ignore those who would suggest the nice email plan is a "pyramid scheme" or a "con game for Jesus"; they are trying to lure the sheep from the herd... of money. Click through, to see what glorious Bible-money awaits!

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: Marc Hawthorne

Date: Thu, Apr 25, 2013 at 9:30 AM

Subject: The Wealth Transfer is here!! Florida Pastor & Church break through financially!

To: Marc Hawthorne

I bet you didn't know "The Wealth Transfer" was something you were supposed to be waiting for, eh friends? But you were. It's in the Bible, kind of! Eventually, the biblical wealth transfer will go down, and that will mean all the sinners' money gets given to the righteous folks, just for being super great. It's true! Even Benny Hinn says so, and he's never done anything shady ever: "The Word of God explains that we are coming into a time when we will see a glorious transfer of wealth for the preaching of the Gospel," he writes on his website, "for the financing of the end-time harvest." Now, doesn't that sound nice? All the heathens are going to lose all their shit, the righteous gay-haters are going to collect it all, have a sweet harvest, then go to paradise! Seriously though, there are websites all over the place about the "end time transfer of wealth." Some of it is just talking points for the apocalypse, but others are about how you only get the money if you're nice to Israel. There is apparently a lot we have been missing out on.

(Also, don't forget to make fun of Islam for their delusional notions of going to a supernatural paradise if they do certain things... this one is obviously the right one, because we get the money right now.) On to the email!

Greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Ooo, this guy seems legit.

The bible says in Proverbs 13:22...But the wealth of the wicked is stored up for the righteous. Those of us that are spiritual can sense and discern that there is a transfer of wealth that is ordained to happen in this season of our lives.

Aside from the numerous copy-editing mistakes, this is sounding a little fishy already. How do these spiritual people know "this season of our lives" is the one where the Christians take all the money? They just kind of say it, but they never establish why.

Having established that,

Oh. Nevermind. We're good.

I come to you with good news which I believe is a vehicle that God can use to begin the transfer in your and my life

Recently I had the pleasure of meeting a Pastor in Florida who connected with this company, and within weeks he broke through financially.

Unnamed religious leader? Check.

Mysterious, unspecific financial success? Check.


Yup, this meets all the criteria for "thing that is totally real."

He then introduced it to his church, and many of them got on board...since then he has seen a 40% increase in Tithes and Offerings! When I heard his testimony, I immediately knew that this was an open door for the Body of Christ to be free from financial bondage to fulfill the calling on our lives. I was directed by the Lord to reach out to you and share this information that I know will bless you.

Well yeah, technically it would be us making money from questionable, unsustainable schemes, but it would really be the Body of Christ. So it's cool. He told me to tell you.

Here’s what I’m asking you to do:

1. Listen to a 2 minute recorded testimony of how a Pastor in Florida broke through financially for his church and in his personal life.

Conference Call Number- (641) 715-3900

Extension- 211763

2. Next, go to:

For a brief video and overview of the company!

*Please fill in the required fields.

Ok, so we didn't call the conference call line, because we're very busy obeying the Body of Christ over here and don't have time to be surreptitiously charged $4 for a random guy's answering machine, but we DID go to this Lead Capture Page Boss thing. You would not believe it — the link does not work. It's a bum link! The prophet emailing this thing around only gets credit for clicks if his username is in the URL, and he isn't getting any credit for this one. If you chop off the "," because that's a dumb thing to have in a url in the first place, it works, and sends you to a video for a "marketing" program "WHERE THE SKY IS NOT THE LIMIT." This appears to be the correct page.

3. Reply to this email, and in the Subject Line write: “Send me more information.” And I will quickly respond to you and answer any question that you might have.

(To view the company & to “Join”)

I sincerely believe this is an answer to your prayer! Let’s connect!

We also went to the site for "Rocket Ca$h Cycler," which even sounds reputable, and were not disappointed: It features graphics of laser-guns shooting "out of this world payouts" and cash-filled spaceships, plus robots promising "advanced marketing software & life enhancing products digitally delivered around the globe." There doesn't seem to be any mention of Jesus on these pages, so the email must be from one of Rocket Ca$h Cycler's enterprising "sponsors," who join the program and then try to take advantage of stupid people to keep the pyramid from collapsing.

How do we know it is a pyramid scheme, you may ask? Because they tell you it is! The home page explains that "RCC is the first program to combine 2x3 and a 2x2 system together!" Combining the two systems could mean anything, but a "2x2 system" is just a fancy way of saying "a two-level pyramid." A 2x3 matrix means each parent node has two children, and there are three levels. That sounds complicated, so we'll draw you a picture:

See? Doesn't that look simple, now that you can see it? You can thank Wikipedia for that illustration. If you want more information about it, you can find the picture on the entry for Pyramid Scheme.

But click through today! It only costs $315 to join. For Jesus.


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