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TROUBLE!


Remember last week when there was all of a sudden news that the FBI’s investigation into Trump-Russia-Obstruction of Justice-Russia-Pee Hookers-Michael Flynn-Russia had reached a "senior White House adviser"? It was all so (Jared) vague! Everybody on Twitter was like WHO IS (JARED!) IT? Is it somebody like Steve Bannon (JARED!) or is it somebody in the Trump family (J-A-R-E-D)? Literally everybody was pretty sure it was Jared.

WELL FOOLED YOU, YOU WERE WRONG, BECAUSE IT WAS MELANIA.

Just kidding it was Jared.

NBC got the scoopty doo, and so did the Washington Post, so we'll quote from WaPo because fuck Andy Lack:

Investigators are focusing on a series of meetings held by Jared Kushner, President Trump’s son-in-law and an influential White House adviser, as part of their probe into Russian meddling in the 2016 election and related matters, according to people familiar with the investigation.

Kushner, who held meetings in December with the Russian ambassador and a banker from Moscow, is being investigated because of the extent and nature of his interactions with the Russians, the people said.

Ooh ooh, pick Wonkette, pick Wonkette! We know about those meetings! We wrote about one of them to you in March, explaining that Jared had a secret back-door meeting during the Trump transition AT TRUMP TOWER with both Michael Flynn and Russian ambassador Sergey Kislyak. (When we say "back door," we don't mean like in the butt, we literally mean the Russian came in the back door.) Then later in March we learned about a second meeting with the Russian ambassador that Jared didn't actually actually go to (probably getting a pedicure) so he sent his "deputy," which is hilarious because it means that Jared has a "deputy." We ALSO learned about a third meeting, where Jared met with this other Russian dude Sergey Gorkov, who is the head of a Russian state-owned bank called Vnesheconombank (VEB). We don't know what they talked about (hair products probably) but that was a meeting Jared surely did fail to report! That bank, by the way, is under sanctions right now!

Fun fact: Gorkov ALSO used to be deputy chair of another Russian state-owned bank called Sberbank, which is currently being represented by Marc Kasowitz, the lawyer Trump has just retained to defend him against all things "Russia scandal." And Sberbank was a sponsor of Trump's 2013 Moscow Miss Universe pageant, and the CEO threw a sexxxxxxxy dinner during that trip where Trump got to meet 10 of Russia's finest oligarchs and OH FUCK Y'ALL RACHEL MADDOW'S GLENN BECK WHITE BOARD IS GONNA BE BALLIN' TONIGHT.

Jared was also there at that weird cocktail party/drag show/Amway party way back in April of 2016 at the Mayflower Hotel, where Trump, Jeff Sessions, the Russian ambassador, three other ambassadors, and a few other folks got together to discuss (???????) and then Trump gave a foreign policy speech about Russia that could charitably described as a "rim job."

Now the WaPo is careful to say that nobody has said Jared is a "target" of the FBI's investigation, he is just a person of interest. So he could be innocent or guilty or just a dumb dipshit with great abs who's stuck up in the middle of this. But this does mean the FBI is looking at Jared's flawless skin under a microscope, and presumably when they're done acting like a common Ivanka by ogling his skin, they are also looking at all his weird dealings with Russia.

Is he going to get LOCK HIM UP-ed? We sure don't know! But maybe this is why Ivanka 'n' Jared all of a sudden decided to up and leave Daddy's Big Exciting Trip To See The Foreigns early, because SOMEBODY was in T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

Anyway, DRIP DRIP DRIP, that is the sound of the Russia news that comes out every night, and also of the cocktail we need to go make ourselves right now, goodbye.

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[Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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You guys, hi, hello, it is almost the holiday weekend, so we are going to share you a real video posted last night by "Doctor" Sebastian "Don't Call Me A Nazi" Gorka, that hilarious old knucklecuck. We guess now that he had to give up (or gave up voluntarily!) his Fox News contract, he just makes videos for the Twitter. Hoo ... ray?

Anyway, Gorka is super-excited that Donald Trump issued that order last night, giving Bill Barr all kinds of new powers to expose the Deep State for what it is and PROVE once and for all that the gremlins who live inside Trump's diarrhea are correct when they say Hillary ordered the Deep State to do an illegal witch hunt to Trump, yadda yadda yadda, you've seen these people huff paint before, we don't have to type it all.

Here is the video, after which Wonkette will either transcribe it OR we will provide our own dramatic interpretation. Which one will it be? We don't know! Would you be able to tell the difference between the two? We don't know!

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We want to say right here at the outset that we hate Julian Assange. Aside from the sexual assault allegations against him, and aside from the fact that he's just a generally stinky and loathsome person who reportedly smeared poop on the walls at the Ecuadorian embassy in London, while reportedly not taking care of his cat, an innocent creature, he acted as Russia's handmaiden during the 2016 election, in order to further Russia's campaign to steal it for Donald Trump. All signs point to his campaign being a success!

So we are justifiably happy when bad things happen to Julian Assange. We are happy his name is shit the world over, and that any reputation WikiLeaks used to have for being on the side of freedom and transparency has been stuffed down the toilet where it belongs. We are happy he looked like such a sad-ass loser when the Ecuadorian embassy finally kicked him out and he was arrested.

And quite frankly, we were OK with the initial charge against him recently unsealed in the Eastern District of Virginia. If you'll remember, he was charged with trying to help Chelsea Manning hack a password into the Defense Department, which is not what journalists do. Journalists do not drive the get-away car for sources. Journalists do not hold their sources' hair back while they're stealing classified intel. Assange is essentially accused of doing all that.

Now, put all that aside. Because -- and this is key -- journalists do publish secrets they are provided by sources. That's First Amendment, chapter and verse, American as fucking apple pie and fast-food-induced diabetes. And that is what much of the superseding indictment of Assange unsealed yesterday was about. (And nope, it wasn't about anything regarding Assange's ratfucking the 2016 election or Hillary's emails. Why would the Trump Justice Department prosecute anything about that? It's all about the older Chelsea Manning stuff, the stuff the Obama Justice Department considered charging Assange with, but ultimately declined, because of that little thing called the First Amendment.)

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