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The Top Five Reasons Russian Spy Maria Butina Needs To Park Her Honeypot (Her Vagina) IN JAIL

Russia

Oh hey, Maria Butina the Russian spy lady, you are still in jail!

Butina, who was arrested Sunday for being a Russian spy who infiltrated the NRA in order to infiltrate the GOP for her motherland, is supposed to appear in court this afternoon, and in advance of that, prosecutors have filed a really fun motion listing all the reasons Butina should be required to STAY IN JAIL until her trial, at which point she will be found guilty as a common Paul Manafort and have to go to so much more jail. In short, it is because she is a major flight risk, but the document is a much better read than that, and it has boning. Shall we give it a look?


Because She's A Fucking Russian Spy, Is That Too Complicated For You To Understand?

According to the memorandum, Butina has all these ties to the FSB, the successor organization to the KGB, and just the other day the FBI saw her having KFC Double Downs with a Russian diplomat who is also probably a spy. Moreover, she has access to shitloads of ruble money from various Russian oligarchs she SnapChats with, so the FBI is pretty sure that no matter what kinda ankle bracelets they put on her, Butina could just run into the Russian embassy and be like "Oh hello, my spy friends, could you sneak me to Moscow real quick? My oligarch buddies will pay one billion rubles for my safe travels!"

Really, it's not that complicated. STAY IN JAIL!

Because The Spy And Her Handler Think She's Anna Chapman Or Some Shit

For real, y'all, if Aleksandr Torshin, Butina's spy handler, thinks she is just like Russian spy Anna Chapman, upon whose story the dramatic TV program "The Americans" was based, and they send LOL text messages to each other about how she is just like Anna Chapman, then HELLO, FUCKING RUSSIAN SPY, HELLO!

Check out these messages:

Butina and Torshin apparently talk about her super top secret status as a covert Russian spy all the fucking time.

GO TO JAIL. Oh wait, you're already there!

Because She's The Spy Who Made Her American Co-Conspirator Do 'College' For Her, While She Was Busy Spying

So this is wild. It's been pretty much determined that the "US Person 1" in the criminal complaint against Butina is a conservative activist named Paul Erickson, who was part of the conspiracy. Well! Turns out the FBI has evidence that Butina, who entered the US on a student visa, totally made Erickson do her homework for her:

GO TO DETENTION, SPY LADY! IN JAIL!

Because She's The Spy Who Only Boned That American Guy For Spy Reasons, When She Wasn't Busy Boning The Rest Of The NRA For Spy Reasons

OK, so you know on TV how foreign spies are always like "I BONE YOU NOW!" but they are only doing it to get close to their targets? Anyway, we are still talking about Paul Erickson, who is definitely probably going to get arrested soon, if he hasn't already:

Butina, age 29, and U.S. Person 1, age 56, are believed to have cohabitated and been involved in a personal relationship during the course of Butina's activities in the United States.

Buuuuuuut!

But this relationship does not represent a strong tie to the United States because Butina appears to treat it as simply a necessary aspect of her activities. For example, on at least one occasion, Butina offered an individual other than U.S. Person 1 sex in exchange for a position within a special interest organization. Further, in papers seized by the FBI, Butina complained about living with U.S. Person 1 and expressed disdain for continuing to cohabitate with U.S. Person 1.

Yeah, Paul Erickson, you are GROSS TO LIVE WITH and GROSS TO BONE and you leave SKIDMARKS ON EVERYTHING PROBABLY, and not even a covert Russian spy doing conspiracies against America can put up with this shit, PAUL.

In short, Maria Butina boned all the idiots, but she was doing it for nefarious purposes, so STAY IN JAIL.

Because She's The Spy Who Ain't Got No Friends, LOL SpyLoser McNoFriends!

The memorandum states that the FBI found in its surveillance that Butina's lease ends on July 31, and that everything sure looks like she's about to get the fuck out of the US and A. She and Paul Erickson ... excuse us, US PERSON 1 ... were seen transferring money to Russia from a bank on July 12! That was just last week! (Again, we're pretty sure it's time for US PERSON 1 to be arrested?)

But here is the the thing:

In other words, she ain't got nowhere to go but Russia, because LOSER DORK DORK DORK DORK DORK DORK NO FRIENDS LOL, so STAY IN JAIL, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU GOT "PLANS" OR ANYTHING.

(Actually, the Washington Post says she and Erickson were going to move to South Dakota together, even though she was only gross-boning him for spy reasons? Weird. These people are weird. All of them.)

This has been a very juvenile blog post about why Maria Butina needs to stay in jail.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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