That thin blanket of snow that fell on Washington last night may have been sufficient enough to keep some kids home from school, but over at The Note, pretentious affectation refuses to take a holiday. Summoning their augurs to slice open the innards of their tired, be-googled simians to look for signs and portents and deliver up a stupefyingly, too-clever-by-half screensaver of banality called "The Five Basic Rules of Politics."
Ye Gods, I call on you to bring forth a bounty of a million spoons, and, so appearing, please, do gag me.
THE FIVE BASIC RULES OF THE PHONED-IN NOTE LEDE:
1. This may come as a shock, but somewhere in the world, a regional media caste is acting with slap-happy caprice, but when we poop, we excrete a fine grade of pure pomposity that smells vaguely of spearmint and Dryel.
2. Nothing is more trenchant than news in the state of "not-being", because it allows for facile ruminations on that which is known about the unknown, which is that the unknown is known to be unknowable in a known sense. Before you die, do you see the Ring? Tonight at eleven: Giant manta rays: are you at risk?
3. While it's true that the oh-so-fucking politically savvy minds in New Hampshire recently started taxing residents based on the quality of the scenery that surrounds their property, we're simply too scared of those granite-faced primary-season pancake-flappers to let a spare moment pass without referring to the state's residents as geniuses from the future who travelled back in time to have a hand in nominating Dukakis.
4. We have allowed all but 23 U.S. Senators to clutch our ballsacks and call us names at various parties thrown by Juleanna Glover Weiss.
5. In an era where big media is good for little more than getting the business end of one of Jon Stewart's late-night skewers, isn't it more important than ever to precede our bullet-points with a series of questions written as though our audience were a bunch of otherwise happy two-year olds who badly need to have their intelligence insulted?
