The Horrifyingly Bitter Cartooninated Week That Was
By the Comics Curmudgeon
You may faithfully tune in daily to America's favorite filthy-minded political blog, but I'm betting that you actually have very little idea about what's going on in the so-called "news," am I right? Sure, you could listen to the bloviation on broadcast TV or the high-pitched shrieking on cable, but that will kill your soul by degrees. Wouldn't it be great if you could get a quick recap of the week's important stories ... in cartoon form? If you said "yes," then today is your lucky day, my friend.
The week began on a high note as sinister demons from the darkest reaches of Hell itself seized control of Barack Obama's tongue! Many Americans asked themselves it they really wanted a president whose tongue served as a tentacle of Cthulu, and who refused to wear an American flag lapel pin.
Meanwhile, the simple, bitter citizens of Pennsylvania consoled themselves according to their usual habits. Some perpetrated frottage against their rifle stocks; others hurled boulders at Mexicans. A few crucified themselves.
Elsewhere in the Keystone State, Hillary Clinton, drunk and at the end of her rope, threatened suicide in a rustic watering hole. In order to make her feel better about herself, two noble locals offered to have a three-way with her. The experienced left them embittered.
Later, cured of his demonic possession, Obama demonstrated his messiah-like quality. Unfortunately, he encountered Hillary's bitter paramours, who chose clinging to their guns over clinging to their religion, and shot him.
In other news, John McCain dressed up like a cheerleader, because it made him feel pretty. We wouldn't dream of denying him his fun. Just don't look too closely at the spider veins on his legs.
But then, like a lot of older people, he got confused and wandered off. He somehow ended up at the zoo, where he was mauled by a rhino, in a fight that zookeepers insist McCain provoked.
Hillary and Obama had a debate! The tension between them was palpable throughout. Afterwards, they snuck off to an alley in South Philly and screwed like minks.
Hey, did you notice that George W. Bush didn't make this list at all? We did some research, and it turns out that several weeks ago he was eaten by bears.
All of this may have made you a might cynical about our system of government! But remember, we still live in the greatest democracy on earth. At least we don't live in Egypt, where people have to cast their ballots into piles of hollowed-out pita bread! --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON
Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today's Cartoons.
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