The Immigration Bill: What the Hell?
An Exclusive News Analysis
WASHINGTON, April 7 -- Immigrants. They come in many shapes, sizes, and nationalities, but the only shape, size, and nationality you need to remember is "lazy, swarthy Mexican." Maybe with a flag (the wrong flag). The House of Representatives (that's the crazy one) doesn't like them. The Senate (that's the rich one) doesn't either, but needs them to a) vote for George Allen or whoever in 2008 and b) bus their dishes. It's quite a quandary.
So immigration has become a big problem this year, because it's an even-numbered year, and even-numbered years are the ones where immigrants, hippies, gay-marriers, and baby-killers all act up for various reasons. The most popular plan in the House for dealing with all the Mexicans is to send them back to Mexico right now. One of the more popular (but contentious) plans in the Senate is to let them continue to bus dishes for a little while, and then send them back to Mexico. It's an important distinction. The President's plan is to speak Spanish. This is the funniest part of the Senate plan:
About 2.8 million illegal immigrants who have been in the country for more than two years but less than five would have three years to return to a port of entry along the border, such as El Paso, cross the border and apply for one of 450,000 green cards that will be available each year. Kennedy said the whole process could take less than a day, and the immigrants could then return to their U.S. homes. However, Republican aides warned that there would be no guarantees, and that some of those immigrants could get stuck across the border.
This portion of the plan was drafted by Senator Rick Santorum's 8 year-old son, Billy* and is based on both popular playground game "Red Rover Red Rover" and that thing where you tell your little sister that there's a surprise for her on the front lawn and then lock the door when she goes to look. But when you do it to immigrants you don't get in trouble.
Anyway, last night, the Senate was very busy with this immigration thing, and some very important stuff happened. But no one really knows what. According to the New York Times, the Senate deal "faltered." According to the Post, "A bipartisan group of senators reached accord" and the word "breakthrough" is also used. Oh, and after today it's Spring Break, so all the Senators and Representatives are going to Cancun to study the problem up close, like Lou Dobbs did.
Basically, you're good for now, but as it gets closer to November, you might consider hiding your housekeeper. Or replacing her with a Canadian or Norwegian or something. If you yourself are an immigrant, consider adopting an Irish accent. Everyone will find you too rakish and charming to deport, unless you accidentally travel back in time to the 19th Century.
*"Billy" is an amalgam of all the 15 or 16 children Rick Santorum probably has.
Senate Deal on Immigration Falters [NYT]