The Intercept Knows Breaking Up With Julian Assange Is For The Best, But It Still Hurts :(

farewell sweet prince

Glenn Greenwald's NSFW website for fapping to pictures of Edward Snowden, AKA "The Intercept," has a case of the upset-sies, everybody. After spending months and years and centuries defending Russia and WikiLeaks (same thing basically), and acting like all the corporate establishment Democrats like Rachel Maddow are doing FAKE NEWS to suggest that all those fuckers may have been in cahoots with the Trump campaign to steal the election, The Intercept is heartbroken and dismayed to learn WikiLeaks was literally advising the campaign, sending Donald Trump Jr. little love notes with suggestions and instructions, which were often followed by Junior. Can you believe it? The Intercept thought its relationship with WikiLeaks was exclusive, and now The Intercept is going to have to go get tested to make sure WikiLeaks didn't give it herpes acquired from sleeping around with the Trump campaign.

How did they get here? They used to be so good together.

The Intercept's "Dear John" letter to WikiLeaks is actually fairly decent, because it wasn't written by Glenn Greenwald, who is as always cordially invited to go fuck himself. It starts with the story of journalist Barrett Brown, who believed the "transparency organization" was actually a "transparency organization," and not a Kremlin front working to elect Trump president. Brown actually went to jail for his work on behalf of WikiLeaks, and he is pissed:

Quoting from The Intercept:

Brown had a visceral reaction to the news, first reported by The Atlantic, that WikiLeaks had been advising the Trump campaign. In a series of tweets and Facebook videos, Brown accused Assange of having compromised “the movement” to expose corporate and government wrongdoing by acting as a covert political operative.

Brown explained that he had defended WikiLeaks for releasing emails hacked from the Democratic National Committee, “because it was an appropriate thing for a transparency org to do.” But, he added, “working with an authoritarian would-be leader to deceive the public is indefensible and disgusting.”

It sure is, Barrett Brown! Shame nobody could have seen this one coming.

Couple more tweets:

Very good question! We're going to guess the answer is "could be either, but anyway, fuck WikiLeaks."

We feel for this guy, really we do.

Now, don't fret and think everybody is dumping WikiLeaks. The bizarre basement hacker KimDotcom, who helped write the fantastical conspiracy theory that DNC staffer Seth Rich was murdered for giving WikiLeaks the Democratic emails the Deep State says were supposedly hacked by Russia, and who has palled around with Sean Hannity and Glenn Greenwald in furtherance of that cause, thinks Assange advising Trump's ill-shaped firstborn son is hunky dory:

The Intercept points out through its tears that the Hillary Will Drone Assange thing was also an unsubstantiated conspiracy theory, which it could have learned earlier if it listened when Wonkette explained "" is faaaaaake as shit. What else was a lie, Julian Assange? Was he lying all those times he said he loved The Intercept?


The Intercept remembers the good old days, when its love affair with Julian Assange was innocent and new, before he used to come home mysteriously late at night because he "got held up at work." The Intercept knew something was up, though, because Assange always immediately went to the shower to wash off the scent of jizz, Old Spice and dead elephant carcass The Intercept now knows he got from rubbing up on Donald Trump Jr.'s body:

WHILE WIKILEAKS HAS undoubtedly facilitated the release of information that is both true and important, it is Assange’s Trump-like willingness to traffic in such unsubstantiated rumors, conspiracy theories, and innuendo not supported by evidence that undermines his claim to be a disinterested publisher, not a political operative.

And now The Intercept feels betrayed, and is working through some hard truths:

Despite the constant claims, from Assange and the Trumps, that the emails stolen from Democrats implicated Clinton in scandal and corruption, it is important to keep in mind that the WikiLeaks method of encouraging Trump supporters and Reddit trolls to scour the documents for evidence of malfeasance did not, in fact, uncover any such evidence.

Instead, the hacked emails were used to reverse-engineer preposterous conspiracy theories, like the imaginary pedophilia scandal called Pizzagate, which WikiLeaks was still treating as real two months after the election.


The Intercept's mom had always warned it about boys like Julian Assange. Gah, The Intercept's mom, why you gotta be so right about everything?

At press time, The Intercept had bought one million buckets of Ben & Jerry's ice cream and was texting all its single friends, who are replying that Julian Assange is so stupid and he is not good enough for The Intercept and OH SHIT, GLENN GREENWALD, YOU DID NOT JUST TEXT HIM, DID YOU? YOU IDIOT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? He is texting with Julian Assange.

Greenwald is waiting for the rest of The Intercept to fall asleep so he can climb out the window and go meet Assange under the bleachers, for fucking.

Thoughts 'n' prayers!

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[The Intercept]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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