Look out, Joe Biden, 'cause Sidney Powell's Kraken cases are storming the beaches of the Supreme Court!

Just kidding. This is more of a bedraggled limping ashore, trailing a rotting squid carcass behind her, while demanding that her loyal subjects bow before the mighty beast she's tamed.

On Friday, Sidney Powell filed for a writ of certiorari in the Michigan Kraken suit and a writ of mandamus in the Georgia tentacle. She also claims to have filed petitions contesting the district court decisions in Wisconsin and Arizona on Saturday, although those have yet to appear on the Supreme Court docket. Whether this is due to timing or some sort of procedural defect (No she never!) we cannot say. But in plain English, she wanted the Supreme Court to swoop in and stop the Electoral College from certifying the votes in those states.

Spoiler Alert: NOPE.

But our Sid is undeterred. Far from being mooted, she now insists that her cases are even stronger. See, if her clients lacked standing to sue as failed candidates to serve as presidential electors, they now have SUPER STANDING because they participated in a cosplay electors swearing in ceremony.


Yes, for real. In nearly identical supplemental briefings filed in both the Georgia and Michigan cases (and probably Arizona and Wisconsin) she argues that the plaintiffs were injured by the swearing in of Democratic electors and, "In light of these developments, any argument that the Presidential Elector Petitioners in the Related Cases lack standing must be rejected, if they were not rejected before. But for the alleged wrongful conduct of the executive branch respondents under color of law, these Presidential Elector plaintiffs would have been certified as the presidential electors of their respective states and would have cast their votes for Donald J. Trump and Michael R. Pence."

When you figure out how these plaintiffs were more injured after the Democratic electors were sworn in than before when the states' voters conclusively selected those Democrats over their whinyass Republican counterparts, please let us know. Anyway, the existence of a "slate" of cosplay electors is somehow reason for the Supreme Court to jump in and turn this election upside down.

"On December 14, 2020, the Republican majority State legislatures of Arizona, Georgia, Michigan and Wisconsin exercised their plenary authority under the U.S. Constitution's Electors Clause by permitting the full slate of Republican nominees to cast their electoral votes for President Donald J. Trump on a contingent basis," Powell writes. As multiple observers have noted, this simply isn't true. Georgia's legislature wasn't even in session, so it couldn't have voted to authorize Georgia's alternative slate of dress up electors, and the Republican heads of Michigan's legislature explicitly endorsed the official, Democratic slate. The fact that some members of the legislature may have blessed the little costume ball is of no moment.

But minor factual inaccuracies aren't really top of Sidney Powell's list. She's too busy arguing that her merry band of cosplayers are the real Spider Man, so the Supreme Court has to hear them out. "The emergence on December 14, 2020 of contested and contingent slates of electors from multiple states is significant to the legal position of the Presidential Elector Petitioners regarding standing and other grounds for dismissal cited by the District Court and warrants this Notice of Supplemental Authority."

Then she goes on to offer up the same plate of deep fried bullshit with a side of word salad, hoping to tempt the Justices to take a big bite.

The scheme and artifice to defraud illegally and fraudulently manipulate the vote count to manufacture the "election" of Joe Biden as President of the United States. The fraud was executed by many means, but the most fundamentally troubling, insidious, and egregious ploy was the systemic adaptation of old-fashioned "ballot-stuffing." It has now been amplified and rendered virtually invisible by computer software created and run the vote tabulation by domestic and foreign actors for that very purpose. The petition detailed an especially egregious range of conduct in Wayne County and the City of Detroit, though this conduct occurred throughout the State with the cooperation and control of Michigan state election officials, including Respondents.

The multifaceted schemes and artifices to defraud implemented by Respondents and their collaborators resulted in the unlawful counting, or outright manufacturing, of hundreds of thousands of illegal, ineligible, duplicate, or purely fictitious ballots in Michigan. The same pattern of election fraud and vote-counting fraud writ large occurred in all the swing states with only minor variations in Michigan, Pennsylvania, Arizona, and Wisconsin.

Well, dozens of courts have found otherwise. But go off!

Also, her nibs continues to be geographically challenged.

TL, DR? She's going to throw all these cases at the Supreme Court and pray like hell that they want to take one last shot at overturning the election. If they bite, she'll ask them to consolidate all the cases — which is why she hasn't bothered to plead any one of them with particularity — into an omnibus election suit to award Trump eleventy million electoral votes and make him president for life, probably.

But they won't. If the Justices were going to blow up this election, they'd have done it with the Texas suit, which was no less ridiculous but at least had some institutional backing. Ken Paxton is a bloody idiot and a crook, but at least he hasn't spent the last month screeching incoherently about Hugo Chavez rigging America's voting machines.

You know why Trump isn't tweeting about these cases? Because even that addlepated pants-piddler knows this Kraken shit is cracked. So please take this opportunity to point and laugh without a whiff of fear. It's one of the few, pure joys in this depressing era.

And while we're enjoying our mixed schadenfreude cocktail, guess who's finally getting served with a motion for sanctions?

Mmmmm, calamari. Don't forget to garnish the rim of your Krakentini with sea salt.

[Georgia Kraken Docket Entry / Michigan Kraken Docket Entry]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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