The Last Iowa Hoorah, Sans Kucinich
Well, it will be hard for the Demrats to top the Republicans' showing yesterday, and by hard we mean extremely easy. Hopefully the Random Editor Questioner (REQ) got her shit together overnight and will exploit the candidates' prejudices with petty race-baiting binarisms, rather than talk about fiscal or education policy. Our liveblog will kick off in this very post at 2 p.m. EST, which rapidly approaches. Meanwhile, check out the above clip from yesterday's Hardball in which Chris Matthews says he wants to waterboard Air America's Rachel Maddow. Oh, and get drunk, right.
1:53 -- Apparently a bunch of these senator Demrats were in Washington today voting for that energy bill that didn't pass (see earlier) and had to hop on charter jets quickly to make Iowa in time. They didn't share jets though because of "ethics conflicts," which CNN says are bullshit. In other words, the price of crude oil will probably jump three cents today because of these selfish fucks. But, anyway.
1:56 -- This "live response" system with undecided voters: we ignored it yesterday, we'll ignore it today.
1:57 -- One undecided voter: "They need to talk about the economy. A lot." Please no! Anything but the economy! I have a job so I don't give a shit.
2:00 -- Oh, Iowa Public Teevee. You need money and a hot meal.
2:01 -- REQ promises to focus on "real" issues again. Ugh. I can't imagine how boring the Des Moines Register is with this robo in charge.
2:03 -- They're going to start with money talk. Again. Balance the budget she says? Like that's even fucking possible anymore? We need a new Internet boom to do that. We need a new Internet in general.
2:04 -- The crowd is having abortions to support the party.
2:05 -- Barry: I'd balance the budget, but there's just so much budget to snuggle with!
2:06 -- Richardson: I balanced the budget in Mexico. The New one. The old Mexico is nothing to me.
2:06 -- Biden just said he wants to take away some of the funding for "Star Wars." That wasn't even one of his many hilarious jokes.
2:08 -- Edwards: "Corporate power and greed has literally taken over the government." Which one is Bush and which is Cheney?
2:10 -- Richardson: I'll advocate a constitutional amendment for balancing the budget, except most major factors (defense, social security) will be excluded.
2:12 -- Clinton: I want to raise taxes on everyone, except the several billionaires who support me. Also, I want a husband that loves me.
2:14 -- Crazy Eyed Joe, that Star Wars shit was like 20 years ago. Do you also want to tear down the Berlin Wall? I think we can manage that. How about we fire all the air traffic people? Maybe get Alzheimer's later on in life? These things, and more.
2:16 -- Richardson: we need to keep the Army going, because I have had lots of jobs. I only speak in non sequitur, and that's what the drunk Guatemalan asked me.
2:18 -- OK Bill, I know we make fun of you a lot, but you iz smart. There. Positive comment for the day, natch.
2:19 -- Someone needs to say "saber-rattling" and then run around naked on the stage screaming about space nukes. I nominate Joe.
2:21 -- Joe: "Hillary touched the point..." Um, penis, I guess.
2:22 -- Would anyone ever have sex with REQ? Like does she have children and shit? Someone Google her.
2:24 -- Richardson wants more study of heart disease. Way to think about the country as a whole.
2:25 -- Edwards misspeaks! The veneer of shiny hotness is shattered! Then he almost slaps Hillary in the face with his wide-armed "WHADDAYAGONNADO?" giggle gesture.
2:27 -- There are no interns available to harass on g-chat, so I g-chatted a former editor instead for commentary:
me: pareene, make a funny special guest comment for my democratic debate liveblog!
it's going really boringly
Alex: why are they doing them in the middle of the day now?? going after the tyra audience?
me: there were air time issues, because apparently it's not as important as what would otherwise be on primetime iowa public tv
Alex: yeah the affiliates would never hear the end of it if these big city fairies interrupted "can you husk faster than a fifth-grader"
2:31 -- Yes, NAFTA should be scrapped, all the Northern industrial cities will get their factories back and hopefully, within 50 years, the service-based economy will revert to the Stone Age.
2:32 -- Hillary: We don't want to be "trade patsies." The Bill Clinton-era "trade fascists" is much better.
2:33 -- Joe Biden goes to church with the Governor of Mexico. Do they worship... being losers?
2:34 -- What is this War in the Iraqs they speak of? Well, Joe says he'll end it, so I guess I'll... still probably not ever vote for him.
2:36 -- Bill Richardson is taking at least 60 percent of teeveez time. It seems like Barry and Hillary have talked twice. So that's good for the ratings.
2:39 -- Ooh, Hillary cares about carbon taxes affecting "jobs" and "the middle class." These comments were totally planted within herself.
2:40 -- I'm sorry, Barack just sounds retarded talking about this energy stuff. So innovations get potential... and then they... get investors? To like, help them build good-like? Is this some new form of econometrics you've just invented?
2:46 -- Agribusiness.
2:47 -- Tom Harkin is the new diaphragm.
2:47 -- REQ says we're gonna move on from this, thank GOD, to...
2:49 -- (We interrupt with a quick promotion for hillaryclinton.com! Oh and doddus.com too!)
2:50 -- ...Education.
2:50 -- Edwards: "Get the children young." Knew this guy was too Southern not to be a Republican.
2:51 -- Richardson ups the ante: "Get the children before they're four."
2:52 -- REQ "has to ask a follow-up question"! Up is down, left is right, Texas is no longer an independent republic but part of the US, etc.
2:54 -- Barry says parents need to encourage children to turn off the teeveez. Well, I'm almost at the point, father Hussein.
2:55 -- Can Hillary just sprinkle some blow on Barry's head and christen him the King of Drugland already? We want slimmmmmme, slimmmmmme.
2:57 -- REQ is such a fiery bitchasaurus rex with this hand-raising policy.
2:58 -- Barack: In my first year, I will shoot up with General Betray Us. Then I will get fixing-like with the medicine policy and the taxes.
3:00 -- Chris Dodd wants to heal America's wounds by making America only him. And in Chris Dodd's body, all organs get along.
3:02 -- Will they ALL PLEASE STOP SAYING THAT THEY WILL END THE WAR IN THE FIRST YEAR? THIS WILL VERY MUCH NOT HAPPEN. Okay, better now.
3:05 -- Hillary: "I want to have an open and transparent government." So... is that... that really what you want? Hillary? Hello?
3:06 -- YES! Joe's being asked about his gaffes and vague racism.
3:07 -- Joe: Biden said the same thing I said about black people so it's cool.
3:07 -- Joe gets a "here here!" from all of the candidates. This debate is really sweet and I kind of want to hug a faux-racist teddy bear.
3:09 -- Edwards has been fighting corporations his entire life again. It's nice to know that corporations haven't gotten stronger as a result of his efforts.
3:13 -- Barack asked a question about the Clinton's, and Hillary unleashes the CACKLE OF THE CENTURY. Then Barack offers her a job as his lesbian caretaker.
3:15 -- Signing statements clearly affect Iowa voters more than others. Signing statements about... Corn? I'm off today, but I don't blame myself.
3:18 -- Resolution time! Hillary resolves to exercise and to kill more of Kathleen Willey's cats.
3:19 -- Dodd: Caucus = Caulk Us. Well, someone had to say it eventually.
3:19 -- Richardson plans to lose weight in the New Year. Awkward laughs and Hillarycackles all around. He'll always be a swarthy chubby tubby, but our swarthy chubby tubby.
3:21 -- Barack's family sounds like it's severely falling apart. A tip for him: Taking away your kids' Xboxes doesn't make them love you more.
3:24 -- It's the Bachelor, and who will give Iowa the best head?!
3:24 -- Done. Everyone wins, everyone's nice, I like the Demrats today.
Buuuuuut they were boring, so let's talk about the steroids investigation now.