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For Christ's sake.


As we said when we told you about the Paul Manafort and Rick Gates indictments, Mueller Time is just beginning. So here's another thing! A low-level Trump campaign "policy" adviser named George Papadopoulos pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI on October 5, in news that Robert Mueller just now allowed to be unsealed today FOR SOME REASON. Can't imagine why! And it's only a one-count guilty plea. Legal experts are saying that's a signal that maybe this kid is officially a cooperating witness in the Mueller investigation, and maybe Mueller is sending a signal to all of Trump World that he means serious business right now. Legal expert "Wonkette.com" is saying there is no MAYBE about it, since it fucking says so in the very last line of the plea, all, quote, "he is soooo cooperating and giving us soooo much information, sooooo many numerous times." LEARN TO READ, LEGAL EXPERTS, LIKE YOUR WONKETTE.

George Papadopoulos might not be a Trump campaign idiot you think about every day. He was listed as a foreign policy adviser to Donald Trump in March 2016, as part of the team that included Dumbest (Until Now) Russian Spy Ever Carter Page. Papadopoulos seems to have spent most of his tenure at the campaign trying to bug Paul Manafort and others about setting up meetings between Donald Trump and high level Russians, up to and including Vladimir Putin. At the time, it seemed like he was a little dumb pipsqueak, and since emails showing what Papadopoulos was up to were actually turned over by the Trump administration, people figured he was a minor player in the #scandal.

But maybe there's more to this story! And maybe it is a VERY STUPID STORY, if Padadopoulos's statement of offense is any indication.

Papadopoulos said all the lies to the FBI on January 27, 2017. (For context, former DOJ official Matthew Miller notes this is the same day Donald Trump asked former FBI Director James Comey to sign a loyalty oath in blood and jizz. OK, Miller did not say the "blood and jizz" part.)

Lie numero uno:

OH GOD IT'S HER FUCKING EMAILS AGAIN. Remember how the Russians approached Donald Trump Jr. claiming to have sexxxy dirt on Hillary? That meeting was in June of 2016. In May of 2016, a Russian military intelligence officer was picked up in surveillance bragging that Russia was about to fuck Hillary Clinton the fuck up. Also in 2016, Trump data gurus Cambridge Analytica approached Trump-Russia data gurus Wikileaks to see if they could help find Hillary Clinton's mythological "33,000 deleted emails." Meanwhile, Michael Flynn's alleged buddy Peter Smith, who is currently dead, was ALSO bragging about working with Russian hackers to find those emails.

We are sensing a theme here.

So PAPADOPOULOS had a PROFESSOR with "ties to" RUSSIA, and the PROFESSOR was going to give him all the dirty Hillary Clinton emails. And the kid lied to the FBI and said he wasn't part of the campaign at the time, when he totally was.

The second lie was that Papadopoulos tried to tell the FBI his professor friend was just some nobody, when in reality he believed his professor friend was a super-cool secret powerful "ties to" Russia person who was trusting him and only him to share THE SECRETS. Papadopoulos also lied to the FBI about another Russian contact, who was an actual bona fide lady Russian (!!!).

It all started on March 14, 2016, when Papadopoulos was on holiday in Italy, just like in every spy movie ever, and met the PROFESSOR, who didn't give two shits about him until he revealed he was joining the Trump campaign. A week later the PROFESSOR brought the LADY SEXY RUSSIAN PERSON with him to meet the kid. PROFESSOR said she was related to VLADIMIR PUTIN!

Over the course of the next month, there was much back and forth between the idiot kid and his Russians, and the kid dutifully reported back to "advisers" and "senior advisers" and "senior campaign officials" and such as on the Trump campaign about setting up meetings with high level Russians. Then in late April, the PROFESSOR told the kid about the sexxxy Hillary Clinton dirt they had to share:

THIS WAS SO 'SCITING! HILLARY DIRTS! And he was Skyping with the Russian Lady Human Spy all the time too, about doing a top secret foreign policy trip to Russia too! But her emails! Lady Russians! Maybe lose virginity in process?

(The trip never happened. Awwwwww.)

Note also that when the Russians told him about these alleged "thousands of emails," we did not yet know Russian hackers had infiltrated the DNC or the Hillary Clinton campaign. But the Trump campaign mighta had a clue, seems like! (FYI, the hack of the John Podesta emails happened in March.)

After Papadopoulos lied to the FBI about all this in January of 2017, he suddenly deleted his Facebook and threw away his Obamaphone, because that's what innocent people do. He was arrested on July 27, 2017, and has met with the government "on numerous occasions to provide information and answer questions," which lends more credence to what we said above, about how it looks like he's an official cooperating witness, which Jesus of course he is.

Trump idiots are reacting predictably to the Papadopoulos news. They don't know her, just like they don't know Paul Manafort:

It's going to be really weird when they try to claim they've never met Jared Kushner.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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[Statement of offense]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Guys, it's been one more shit day in a shit week in the fifth shit month of another shit Trump year. Which is why I need to remind you that it's not ALL shit out there! Oh, sure, it's MOSTLY shit, but you know what isn't shit? YR WONKETTE, and the strange community of strange internet people who have made getting through all this shit a bit more tolerable, that's who and what. Which is why you should give us money, so we can keep whanging away at the walls of shit with our shovels and laughing at the shit getting all over, because one of these days we will get it all cleaned up or at least not be up to our waists in shit, and we can all laugh about what a crazy fight it was, as St. Molly Ivins always kept reminding us.

In case you're new here, let me just remind you that Wonkette literally got me, Yr Dok Zoom, out of what wasn't quite poverty, but was pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck desperation. I started reading the site shortly before Barack Obama was elected, began commenting sometime in his first term, and submitted a story tip to Rebecca a few months after she bought the site for 47 dollars and a sandwich (I now understand it was a bit more than that). It was Memorial Day 2012, and she wrote back she was busy with some "stupid thing I have to do for some muneez," but would I like to try writing a blog post myself? "I understand if you say FUCK NO. But maybe you are thinking FUCK YES?" And then she warned me she paid only in Ameros. I did, the post was forgettable but OK, and then I wrote a thing (borrowed from now long-lost comments) that went semi-viral, and suddenly I was that hottest thing in publishing, a freelancer!

In less than a year, Rebecca asked you all to buy me to be your very own pet blogger, and my life suddenly became incredibly good, like as good as an Abba song. It's as good as "Dancing Queen." Thanks to the timing of the whole thing (and to Barry Obama and Nancy Pelosi), I actually had health insurance for the first time in years, a not inconsiderable thing. And you had an Editrix who was not working 12 hour days six and a half days a week and drinking too much from stress. Your continued donations helped hire Evan full time and Robyn and Bianca part time and a whole raft of freelancers, and now Rebecca is down to eight-hour days, five and a half days a week, and drinking because there's a madman in the White House and everything's terrible.

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There is a very normal article circulating on the internet right now by a fella named Don Boys (that's not the joke, the jokes are coming), who is both an insane batshit preacher, and also an insane batshit former member of the Indiana House of Representatives. (Also sometimes he blogs at the Daily Caller about how Mike Pence really went balls deep into the gay agenda when he swore in that insane batshit gay guy Rick Grenell as America's ambassador to Germany.)

This article, of course, is about Pete Buttigieg, because what are anti-gay buffoons obsessed with right now? Pete Buttigieg. Boys (still his name) is primarily concerned not with the simple fact that Buttigieg is gay, but with how gay Buttigieg really is. IN THE SEX WAY!

Well, Don, since you asked!

Shall we dive into this thing without the proper prophylactics? We shall.

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