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Not what Mom meant by 'I hope you're using protection'


You know what we love about working at Wonkette? We love coming across a story with a headline like "Cops: Woman Concealed Loaded Gun in Vagina" and having to double-check to make sure it's different from that OTHER loaded-gun-in-a-vagina story from a couple years back. But no, that one was Oklahoma, and it was a revolver, not a semi-automatic, and a totally different lady. So it's good to know that the great American tradition of putting unusual items in one's sex parts is alive and well, as is Ashley Cecilia Castaneda, of Waco, Texas, who was arrested Monday for meth possession as well as for concealing the aforementioned gun in her aforementioned swimsuit area. The jokes and the drug-prevention PSAs kind of write themselves for this one, don't they?

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Ms. Castaneda was the passenger in a car being driven by Gabriel Garcia when cops pulled it over and found 2.7 grams of methamphetamine under the front seat. As USA Today put it, "A further search of the car allegedly uncovered another 29.5 grams of meth and scales in the purse of the female passenger, Ashley Cecilia Castaneda, 31." Yes, and having been primed by the headline, we misread "purse" as something different, exactly like you just did.

The report, which originated with Dallas-Fort Worth TV station WFAA, continues:

While Castaneda was being transported to jail, she told an officer she had concealed a handgun in her vagina. Officers immediately stopped and a female officer searched the suspect, finding a loaded Smith and Wesson .22-caliber pistol with a round chambered in her vagina.

We'd like to suggest that the editors at WFAA conduct a quick refresher course on prepositional phrases, so as to avoid any misunderstandings about where exactly the bullets go in an a gun, not to mention in a vagina. (Protip: they should not ever go in a vagina.)

Some additional vital information on the incident was provided to the Waco Tribune-Herald by police spokesman Sgt. W. Patrick Swanton, who wanted to be sure the public understands that a pussy pistol is no laughing matter:

“It was a safety concern for the victim who had a loaded firearm inside her body,” Swanton said. “Depending on a number of factors, that gun could have gone off by body movements or compression of the trigger.

“People have asked us, ‘Why are you even telling us this?’ The reason is because we want people to know this truly does happen,” he continued. “That was an extremely dangerous situation for everyone involved.”

We guess what he's getting at is that someone could have been badly hurt or even killed if Castaneda had managed to squeeze off a couple rounds, so it would be very immature to make any jokes about whether she was happy to see the police, much less whether she and Mr. Garcia had plans to finger-bang later.

[Gawker / USA Today / Waco Tribune-Herald Actual Photo Caption from USA Today story: "This is a photo of the type of weapon police allegedly found, not the actual weapon in question."]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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