The Fakest ‘Fake Melania’ Is Still The One Trump Married

Conspiracy Theories

Last week, there was a lot of suspicion that a Fake Melania Trump accompanied Donald Trump to the final presidential debate in Nashville, but don't worry — a USA Today “fact check" states that the Fake Melania Trump sighting wasn't a body double for Original Recipe Melania Trump. A grateful nation can now breathe a sigh of relief.

Melania Trump does have a strange look on her face in the above photo of her boarding Marine One. I think it's an “expression." If you examine the photo closely enough, it seems like she's smiling and I didn't think her programming was that sophisticated. The best her emotional subroutines could usually manage was mild shock whenever she found herself in a public place.

In all the other snaps taken that day — including photos of the first couple in Marine One taken by the same photographer, Alex Brandon — Melania Trump looks like her usual self, per images available to USA TODAY via Associated Press.

Akili Ramsess, the executive director of the National Press Photographers Association, previously explained to the Associated Press that the angle at which the photos are taken, the type of camera lens that is used, and the positioning of the photographer can all impact how subjects appear in photos.

Wonkette doesn't officially agree with USA Today's conclusion. Rebecca strongly believes that this “woman isn't Melania." Fake Melania's teeth are round, and Real Melania's teeth are flat, like her entire disposition. Twitter users have also suggested that the Fake Melania is Trump aide Hope Hicks, but that would make this flattering photo of Fake Melania a bad photo of Hicks. COVID-19 is brutal, but I don't think it aged Hicks 15 years.


Twitter

Others have speculated that Fake Melania is a secret service agent who also doubles as Melania Trump. Let's hope she has a SAG card or the unions will go crazy. This was also the plot of one of my favorite “Xena: Warrior Princess" episodes.

Twitter

Trump is stupid and inattentive, so it's possible Melania might've asked her secret service agent (and convenient doppelgänger) to take the ultimate bullet for her. It's not like he'd notice. This is the same asshole who “embraces" his wife as though she's a statue he acquired at auction.

However, my personal inner Dana Scully resists conspiracy theories. As noted Irish philosopher Paul David Hewson once said, “A secret is something you tell one other person." It's highly unlikely that the Trump administration has passed off a Fake Melania at any point. We would've heard about it. No one in that White House can keep from leaking to the press.

Melania Trump herself probably would've confessed the whole thing on tape by now to one of her frenemies.

Sure, it's something those crooks would probably do, but a Fake Melania seems like a lot of trouble for the pet rock of first ladies. The actual Melania's completely useless, unless you enjoy Tim Burton-inspired Christmas decor, which I do, but Melania's festive design sense is for crap. Children have booed her in public, like she's a common Disney villain or a woman who willingly married Donald Trump.

After the final presidential debate, Dr. Jill Biden walked on stage and hugged Joe Biden like they'd met. Melania Trump kept her social distance from the president. She even stared blankly at the Bidens as if she didn't understand how human affection worked. When Trump held her hand, Melania appeared to count the seconds of her contractual obligation before she flung his gross hand away like it was Mitch McConnell's. She then walked off the stage ahead of him. She can't playact a loving spouse or compelling mammal.

There's as much need for a Fake Melania as there is for a real Melania. Despite her best efforts, which included shameless plagiarism and botanical vandalism, Melania Trump isn't Jackie Kennedy or Michelle Obama. Nobody misses her when she's not around.

[USA Today]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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