Bowl of Yum!

Crisp, bright fall foliage, frost on your windshield in the morning, snuggling in front of the fireplace, and extra blankets on the bed. Since everybody here is a refugee hugging homo libtard, we've all turned our thermostats down* and it's rather nice to be in a warm kitchen. So, here's a recipe that gives you a chance to spend a lot of time in the kitchen. I mean, a LOT of time.

This is how I make FRENCH ONION SOUP, and it's the only way it should ever be made. You probably even have a recipe you think is pretty good. Well, you're A Idiot. Your recipe is weak, and you make it wrong!


  • 5 lbs onions. 2 1/2 lbs Red onions, 1 large sweet onion, and the rest split between yellow and white. This actually matters.
  • 1⁄2 cup butter (1 stick)
  • 1 1⁄2 teaspoons black pepper, freshly ground
  • 2 tablespoons paprika
  • 2 tablespoons dehydrated mushrooms
  • 2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
  • 1 teaspoon Liquid Smoke>

  • 4 cloves garlic, minced very fine
  • 1 bay leaf
  • 7 (16 ounce) cans beef broth, divided (recommended Swanson's)
  • 1 cup dry white wine (optional (NOT optional))
  • 3⁄4 cup all-purpose flour (such as Wondra) or 3⁄4 cup instant flour (such as Wondra)
  • caramel coloring (optional)
  • 2 teaspoons salt
  • French baguette
  • Swiss or Gruyere cheese


So Many Tears!

  • Peel onions and slice 1/8 inch thick.
  • Melt butter in a 6-quart (or larger) stockpot. Add onions; cook, uncovered, over low heat for 3-4 hours, stirring occasionally. The long cooking time makes the onions mellow and sweet.
  • Stir in pepper, paprika, mushrooms, garlic and bay leaf; saute over low heat 10 minutes more, stirring frequently.
  • Pour in the wine. Increase heat to medium, reduce by 2/3. (approximately 30 minutes.)

  • Pour in 6 cans broth, add Liquid Smoke and Worcestershire sauce. Increase heat and bring to a boil.
  • Dissolve flour in remaining 1 can broth.
  • Stir into boiling soup.
  • Reduce heat and simmer slowly for 2 hours.
  • Adjust color to a rich brown with caramel coloring, season with salt. Refrigerate overnight. To serve, heat soup on stove top.
  • Ladle into ovenproof crocks or bowls.
  • Top with a layer of cubed French bread** and a generous layer of grated cheese. Heat under the broiler until cheese melts and bubbles, about 5 minutes.

Tetris! With bread! Who says you can't play with your food?

Now that you know the right way to make French Onion Soup: go! Make it! Crying over all those onions is worth it once you sit down with a steaming, fragrant, bowl of mellow, rich soup. Next to the fireplace. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. The very definition of cozy.

Oh! and if there are leftovers (who am I kidding? Unless you're feeding the Duggars, there WILL BE leftovers!), this freezes very well.

* You did do that, right? No? Bad hippie! BAD! You go turn that thing down right now!

**Think Tetris here. You remember Tetris, right? Of course you do - EVERYbody remembers Tetris!


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