The Only Way To Make French Onion Soup

Bowl of Yum!

Crisp, bright fall foliage, frost on your windshield in the morning, snuggling in front of the fireplace, and extra blankets on the bed. Since everybody here is a refugee hugging homo libtard, we've all turned our thermostats down* and it's rather nice to be in a warm kitchen. So, here's a recipe that gives you a chance to spend a lot of time in the kitchen. I mean, a LOT of time.

This is how I make FRENCH ONION SOUP, and it's the only way it should ever be made. You probably even have a recipe you think is pretty good. Well, you're A Idiot. Your recipe is weak, and you make it wrong!


  • 5 lbs onions. 2 1/2 lbs Red onions, 1 large sweet onion, and the rest split between yellow and white. This actually matters.
  • 1⁄2 cup butter (1 stick)
  • 1 1⁄2 teaspoons black pepper, freshly ground
  • 2 tablespoons paprika
  • 2 tablespoons dehydrated mushrooms
  • 2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
  • 1 teaspoon Liquid Smoke>

  • 4 cloves garlic, minced very fine
  • 1 bay leaf
  • 7 (16 ounce) cans beef broth, divided (recommended Swanson's)
  • 1 cup dry white wine (optional (NOT optional))
  • 3⁄4 cup all-purpose flour (such as Wondra) or 3⁄4 cup instant flour (such as Wondra)
  • caramel coloring (optional)
  • 2 teaspoons salt
  • French baguette
  • Swiss or Gruyere cheese


So Many Tears!

  • Peel onions and slice 1/8 inch thick.
  • Melt butter in a 6-quart (or larger) stockpot. Add onions; cook, uncovered, over low heat for 3-4 hours, stirring occasionally. The long cooking time makes the onions mellow and sweet.
  • Stir in pepper, paprika, mushrooms, garlic and bay leaf; saute over low heat 10 minutes more, stirring frequently.
  • Pour in the wine. Increase heat to medium, reduce by 2/3. (approximately 30 minutes.)

  • Pour in 6 cans broth, add Liquid Smoke and Worcestershire sauce. Increase heat and bring to a boil.
  • Dissolve flour in remaining 1 can broth.
  • Stir into boiling soup.
  • Reduce heat and simmer slowly for 2 hours.
  • Adjust color to a rich brown with caramel coloring, season with salt. Refrigerate overnight. To serve, heat soup on stove top.
  • Ladle into ovenproof crocks or bowls.
  • Top with a layer of cubed French bread** and a generous layer of grated cheese. Heat under the broiler until cheese melts and bubbles, about 5 minutes.

Tetris! With bread! Who says you can't play with your food?

Now that you know the right way to make French Onion Soup: go! Make it! Crying over all those onions is worth it once you sit down with a steaming, fragrant, bowl of mellow, rich soup. Next to the fireplace. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. The very definition of cozy.

Oh! and if there are leftovers (who am I kidding? Unless you're feeding the Duggars, there WILL BE leftovers!), this freezes very well.

* You did do that, right? No? Bad hippie! BAD! You go turn that thing down right now!

**Think Tetris here. You remember Tetris, right? Of course you do - EVERYbody remembers Tetris!


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