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Bad news, everyone, Donald Trump decided to speak in public again, and he didn't just confess to multiple obstruction of justice crimes, ESSENTIALLY. He said so much more than that, and because we have a headache, we have chosen freely to listen to a few videos of Trump talking, because we don't know why.

The thing he was supposed to be talking about? "Medical bills." The thing he actually talked about? Mostly not that.

He whined about Robert Mueller, you know, the guy who ESSENTIALLY exonerated him, except he doesn't want you to see the underlying evidence or the grand jury testimony or the counter-intel that probably shows just how far up his ass Vladimir Putin really is. In this first video, he bitches about Mueller's "conflicts," as if even his own advisers didn't tell him he was full of shit about those. He says he and Mueller had a "business dispute," which consisted entirely of Mueller asking for a partial refund of his membership dues on a Trump resort trash palace property the Mueller family wasn't using and then never mentioning it again. And he says there is a "picture file" that has one million glamour shots of Mueller and James Comey together, because they are "in love."

Or something. Here, you make sense of it.


In the next video, Trump says he'll let our "great" attorney general decide whether or not Mueller should testify before Congress, but then added 15 run-on English-as-a-Second-Language sentences about Mueller's angry Democrats, and how nobody IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD has ever cooperated more bigly with an investigation than he did, which he didn't have to do, because he has "presidential privilege" (which is not a thing), but his White House counsel testified for 30 hours, of course Trump assumes if Don McGahn was there that long, Mueller just asked him the same question over and over again, because there wasn't that much to testify about. (McGahn is, of course, the unofficial narrator of the obstruction section of the Mueller Report. He answered a lot more than one question.)

At the end of this section is where he said "NO COLLUSION ... and essentially no obstruction." You know, except for all the collusion and the fucking shit-tons of obstruction.

And now let's listen to the fucking dipshit talk about the tragedy that occurred the first time his Mario Kart dick attempted to seed new life but instead God said "LOL watch this." We are of course talking about his firstborn son, who has been subpoenaed by the Senate Intelligence Committee.

"My son is a good person."

"My son was TOTALLY EXONERATED by Mueller!"

Trump went on to say he's just really surprised by the subpoena, since everybody has determined (everybody!) that the Trump Tower meeting was just "a nothing meeting." He's so surprised.

It's funny because the thing where Junior was TOTALLY EXONERATED by Mueller -- a more accurate reading of the Mueller Report shows that Mueller determined Junior was too stupid to be indicted -- was the Trump Tower meeting, where Junior stupidly and happily, presumably to earn the approval of a father who doesn't love him very much, took a meeting with Russians offering prime dirt on Hillary Clinton. The Senate Intel Committee, on the other hand, appears to want to talk to Junior about why he lied to them about his foreknowledge of the Trump Tower Moscow project. Oh well, DETAILS.

Then Trump called for John Kerry to be prosecuted under the Logan Act for allegedly and improperly talking to Iran and telling them not to talk to Trump, as if Trump even knows WTF the Logan Act is. "Logan Act? Oh yes, the Logan Act, it's getting more and more popular these days, the Logan Act. A lot of people don't know the Logan Act was a Republican!" (Not a real quote, but pretty much a real quote!)

Remember that the subject of this event was "medical bills."

And finally, um ... we don't know what this shit is. It's two minutes long, it's about NATO, it's about Trump renovating the nuclears, it's ... we don't know what this shit is.

Well that sure did help our headache. Goodbye, have an OPEN THREAD.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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