Bad news, everyone, Donald Trump decided to speak in public again, and he didn't just confess to multiple obstruction of justice crimes, ESSENTIALLY. He said so much more than that, and because we have a headache, we have chosen freely to listen to a few videos of Trump talking, because we don't know why.

The thing he was supposed to be talking about? "Medical bills." The thing he actually talked about? Mostly not that.

He whined about Robert Mueller, you know, the guy who ESSENTIALLY exonerated him, except he doesn't want you to see the underlying evidence or the grand jury testimony or the counter-intel that probably shows just how far up his ass Vladimir Putin really is. In this first video, he bitches about Mueller's "conflicts," as if even his own advisers didn't tell him he was full of shit about those. He says he and Mueller had a "business dispute," which consisted entirely of Mueller asking for a partial refund of his membership dues on a Trump resort trash palace property the Mueller family wasn't using and then never mentioning it again. And he says there is a "picture file" that has one million glamour shots of Mueller and James Comey together, because they are "in love."

Or something. Here, you make sense of it.

In the next video, Trump says he'll let our "great" attorney general decide whether or not Mueller should testify before Congress, but then added 15 run-on English-as-a-Second-Language sentences about Mueller's angry Democrats, and how nobody IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD has ever cooperated more bigly with an investigation than he did, which he didn't have to do, because he has "presidential privilege" (which is not a thing), but his White House counsel testified for 30 hours, of course Trump assumes if Don McGahn was there that long, Mueller just asked him the same question over and over again, because there wasn't that much to testify about. (McGahn is, of course, the unofficial narrator of the obstruction section of the Mueller Report. He answered a lot more than one question.)

At the end of this section is where he said "NO COLLUSION ... and essentially no obstruction." You know, except for all the collusion and the fucking shit-tons of obstruction.

And now let's listen to the fucking dipshit talk about the tragedy that occurred the first time his Mario Kart dick attempted to seed new life but instead God said "LOL watch this." We are of course talking about his firstborn son, who has been subpoenaed by the Senate Intelligence Committee.

"My son is a good person."

"My son was TOTALLY EXONERATED by Mueller!"

Trump went on to say he's just really surprised by the subpoena, since everybody has determined (everybody!) that the Trump Tower meeting was just "a nothing meeting." He's so surprised.

It's funny because the thing where Junior was TOTALLY EXONERATED by Mueller -- a more accurate reading of the Mueller Report shows that Mueller determined Junior was too stupid to be indicted -- was the Trump Tower meeting, where Junior stupidly and happily, presumably to earn the approval of a father who doesn't love him very much, took a meeting with Russians offering prime dirt on Hillary Clinton. The Senate Intel Committee, on the other hand, appears to want to talk to Junior about why he lied to them about his foreknowledge of the Trump Tower Moscow project. Oh well, DETAILS.

Then Trump called for John Kerry to be prosecuted under the Logan Act for allegedly and improperly talking to Iran and telling them not to talk to Trump, as if Trump even knows WTF the Logan Act is. "Logan Act? Oh yes, the Logan Act, it's getting more and more popular these days, the Logan Act. A lot of people don't know the Logan Act was a Republican!" (Not a real quote, but pretty much a real quote!)

Remember that the subject of this event was "medical bills."

And finally, um ... we don't know what this shit is. It's two minutes long, it's about NATO, it's about Trump renovating the nuclears, it's ... we don't know what this shit is.

Well that sure did help our headache. Goodbye, have an OPEN THREAD.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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