The Republicans Got Hacked? LOLOLOLOLOL

Here's a funny one for you! Politico reports that in a "major 2018 hack," thousands of emails from the accounts of four of the top dickbags at the National Republican Congressional Committee (NRCC) were stolen by ... somebody foreign, they think! Their emails "were surveilled for several months"! The FBI has gotten involved! House Republicans ... didn't know about it until Politico told them! LOL!

Now, obviously, nobody gave these emails to WikiLeaks to actively fuck with the 2018 midterms, so don't you start thinkin' the Republicans can say that's why they lost the House so spectacularly.

Let's list a few reasons why this is funny, beyond what is just so very obvious, which is that House Republicans haven't given a solitary fuck about election meddling and hacking by malevolent foreign powers, as long as it's done in a way that helps them. (Looking at you and your alleged cow lovers, DEVIN NUNES.)

Here's one! Back in 2017, the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (DCCC) had a beer summit with the NRCC and said, "Hey, we all can agree that we are Americans, right? OK maybe that's too much for you, but let's just say hacking is bad. Why don't we work together to protect everybody from hacking, so that elections can be totally fair, except for all the anti-democratic authoritarian shit you guys do with gerrymandering and voter suppression?" The NRCC called it a "political stunt" and told the DCCC to fuck off.

Here's another! Earlier this year, after Russians tried and failed to hack outgoing Democratic Senator Claire McCaskill, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said "PSHAW" to doing something on a national level to shore up our election security, saying it was best left to the states to decide how much Russian hacking they really want. He also just recently told the Wall Street Journal that a legislative package the Democrats are putting together that specifically includes election security stuff is DOA in the Senate. Haha!

This one will make you go HMMMM: Back in 2016, the Russians (you know, those Russian military intelligence hackers Robert Mueller indicted) also hacked emails from the Republican National Committee, along with their hacking of the Democratic National Committee. Curiously, those Republican emails, which then-FBI Director James Comey said were "old stuff" and not the sexxxxy new stuff like Russia stole from the Democrats, have never been released to the public. But have they served another purpose? You know how Russia likes to gather kompromat on people, and if it was going to steal an election for Donald Trump, it would surely be helpful to have some dirty secrets on Republican elected officials, to keep them complacent in the face of a massive multi-pronged attack on our democracy.

Somebody should ask folks like Lindsey Graham -- you know, people who used to say Donald Trump was a fucking "kook" who will destroy America but yet somehow strangely now live rent-free underneath the president's ball sack -- if they've ever heard anything about Russia stealing Republican emails and using them in that way. (Because you remember Russia directly hacked Lindsey Graham's campaign in 2016 too, right?)

Here's a video of Donald Trump on TV earlier this year, his makeup way more fucked up than usual, talking about how it was the DNC's own damn fault it got hacked, and how if the DNC was good at stuff like the RNC is, it wouldn't have been hacked.

(NARRATOR: The RNC got hacked.)

Anyway, wonder who hacked the NRCC this time! Lots of people are saying it could be Russia, and maybe it was Russia, but we don't think anybody knows it was Russia that broke into the NRCC, everybody's saying Russia, Russia, Russia, but it could also be China, it could also be lots of other people, it could also be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds, yes that's right, 400 pounds, probably in New Jersey, let's just go with that and refuse to investigate it any further.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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