Senator-elect Mark Kelly (D-Arizona)

It was a lovely dream. Democrats were going to flip the Senate and do bold things, like govern and pass the occasional law. But that's not what 2020 had in store for us.

First, the good news. Mark Kelly defeated professional Senate race loser Martha McSally in Arizona. The Associated Press called it early this morning, after some fit pitching from Republicans when Fox News called the state for Kelly and Joe Biden back when we were still awake on the west coast.

Fox News stuck with its call, but Decision Desk Director Arnon Mishkin apologized to Donald Trump on air for his inability to win.


Former Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper defeated Cory Gardner and it wasn't even close. Huzzah!

Everything else was terrible. There is no more good news.

Mitch McConnell will continue his reign of terror. Amy McGrath failed to destroy his remaining hocruxes and he will have dominion over the earth for another six years. She's currently performing worse than Alison Lundergan Grimes, who McConnell beat in 2014.

Jaime Harrison lost to sniveling lickspittle Lindsey Graham in South Carolina. This might've been expected, because, you know, South Carolina, but we dared to dream because Harrison ran an amazing campaign and isn't a walking smear of slime. Graham will gloat about this and you're just gonna want to smack him.

Dems spend a lot of money on Senate races and it might be more cost effective to just move people from California to Kentucky and South Carolina.

Former Montana Governor and presidential candidate Steve Bullock failed to unseat incumbent Steve Daines. Worse, Bullock's replacement as governor is Republican Greg Gianforte, who assaulted and hospitalized a reporter in 2017.

Iowa Senator Joni Ernst held off Democratic challenger Theresa Greenfield. Boy, was that Selzer poll right! Ernst won by around the same margin that Trump carried the state. Democrats really need to stop kicking off their primary race here.

Our beloved Doug Jones lost his Senate seat in Alabama to former football coach Tommy Tuberville. We knew deep down this was coming, but it still hurts. Jones is an American hero and a class act, who called Tuberville to congratulate him on his victory, but Tuberville didn't take his call because he's an asshole.

There was no ticket splitting, as Dems hoped for in South Carolina, Montana, Alabama, or Kentucky. However, voters did split their tickets in fucking Maine. Yes, that's right, Susan Collins might keep her Senate seat. How did the fuck did that happen? Biden won the state, but Democrat Susan Gideon is performing roughly the same as Trump. Were Biden voters confused? Collins didn't even endorse Biden and like the spineless coward she is, she refused to say if she was voting for Trump. She wasn't going to “get involved" in presidential politics, because she wasn't a sitting senator or anything. She was just the humble owner of a bed and breakfast in Bangor.

Maine has ranked-choice voting (yay!) and Collins is currently below 50 percent so there's a chance that Gideon could catch up if she received the bulk of the sloppy second choices. But it's slim. Seriously, this is one I thought we'd have in the bag, given the nationalization of Senate races.

Journalist Matt Yglesias theorized on Twitter that Collins might have restored her sham reputation as a “moderate Republican" when she voted against confirming Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett. If so, that was the ultimate banana in the tailpipe. Collins knew from the start that Judge Superspreader was a lock for confirmation without her vote. Collins has never defied Mitch McConnell when it mattered.

Right now, the GOP doesn't yet have an official majority. The North Carolina race between incumbent Thom Tillis and Democrat Cal Cunningham, master of boring sexts, is not yet called, but Tillis is currently ahead. The Georgia Senate special election for Kelly Loeffler's purchased seat will advance to a runoff in January. She'll face the far superior Raphael Warnock. If David Perdue drops below 50 percent (he's slightly above that now), his race against Jon Ossof will also go to a runoff. A wrench in the works is the Michigan Senate race where incumbent Gary Peters is trailing his Republican challenger John James (more damn ticket splitting in the wrong direction). Let's hope Peters pulls that out along with Biden. Otherwise, it's possible that the majority of Black men in the Senate will be Republicans. Cory Booker's still better off chilling with Kirsten Gillibrand.

Now leave me alone. I'll be under my bed.

[Associated Press]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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