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God morrow to ye, fellow thespians! It's time once again for the Snake Oil Bulletin. This week we profile two actors of superlative skill in the dramatic arts. So convincing were their performances that they were able to play the roles of physicians with no audience the wiser! Bravo, gentiluomini! Let us step back and thunderously applaud the theatrical craft of these two lifelong con artists, shall we? Let's dive in.


Fake Doctor Kid Arrested AGAIN For Flimflamming While Dumb

Earlier this year, we profiled the case of Malachi Love-Robinson, a then-18-year-old charlatan who had been caught repeatedly masquerading as a doctor. First he roamed the halls of a Florida hospital for a month and tried to sit in on patients' gyno exams before doctors called police. Then he opened two separate "naturopathic" clinics, pretended to have a plethora of degrees, and literally stole checks out of a 86-year-old patient's pocketbook while she was en route to the hospital before he was caught by an undercover police officer.

While last time we noted that Love-Robinson was suspected of ripping off $6,000 from this poor woman, new evidence has emerged that he actually stole almost $40,000 from the helpless old lady by gaining access to her bank account and draining it to pay off his car loan and credit cards. And that was BEFORE he tried to convince the poor woman to let him give her a pap smear! Jesus tit-fucking Christ, kid. We get that you're a teenage boy and really wanna see a 'giney up close, but take a gander at the internet like a not-insane person.

That sweet gig working as a homeopathic un-doctor lasted a year before Malachi was shut down, because no matter how fishy the quack, nobody asks questions if they stick "natural" in their title.

It appears, however, that Malachi has hit yet another milestone on his bucket list to be the worst conman ever. This past week, Malachi was arrested in Virginia when he tried to buy a car on fake credit by posing as a fake doctor. AGAIN.

According to reports, Love-Robinson showed up to a dealership in Virginia with an elderly woman in tow in hopes of buying a luxury car. Malachi claimed the woman was his mother who would be co-signing on the loan. However, the salespeople were tipped off that something as askew when Dookie Howitzer began bragging about his totally real doctor job. America may be ready to vote for a fraudulent asshole who waves his pretended wealth around like it's the only thing covering his tiny prick (cough cough), but the car salesperson wasn't about to believe Malachi was a "doctor" making over $120,000 a year. It's a suspicious claim to make if you've brought your mommy to co-sign your loan like a big boy.

The company's finance manager, William Park, was immediately suspicious because apparently his powers of deduction are superior to an entire hospital's worth of doctors, so he ran the kid's name through The Google before even doing a credit check. Love-Robinson's name immediately popped up as a fraud because he didn't think to even use a pseudonym like some common internet blogger, leaving "Doktor Zoom" with a clean credit report once more. Fearing Malachi was trying to defraud the woman he claimed was his mother, Park told Malachi his credit application would take some time to be approved, and to please come back later. Park called police, who were waiting for Malachi and his "mother" when they returned to the dealership.

When questioned by police, Malachi's patsy/accomplice either realized she'd been duped or caught wise fast. She told investigators she'd never given Malachi permission to co-sign her name on the loan, and was apparently shocked to find out Malachi had used her credit the previous day to take out two loans for over $1,200 in electronics. Say what you will about the kid, but appreciate his hustle.

Malachi is currently being held in Virginia on these most recent charges, but considering he is still on trial for his previous fraud in Florida, we can only imagine the hijinks that will ensue when he pretends he's a federal marshal to avoid being transferred. Godspeed, you scurrilous flim-flammer! Godspeed.

Anti-Vaxxer Doc About To Be Kicked Out Of Doctor Clubhouse

Next on our agenda comes the maybe not-so-tragic tale of another bullshit doctor masquerading as a real one. Notorious anti-vaccine doctor Bob Sears may lose his medical license for negligence in his treatment of a two-year-old, and only some of the negligence is related to vaccines, oh boy!

For years, "Dr. Bob" Sears has been a practicing physician in the state of California. He became rather infamous among the medical community for being an outspoken "skeptic" of vaccines, authoring the noxious anti-vaccine tome The Vaccine Book: Making the Right Decision for Your Child. This inocuous-sounding screed is a staple in any Jenny McCarthyite's library, so watch for it next time you find yourself over at a new paramour's abode. Dr. Bob insists to this day that he is not anti-vaccine, but merely that he believes that vaccines should be spaced out, and he is the author of the delayed vaccine schedule that anti-vaxxers use to wear down their physicians' patience. The plan is rejected by just about every medical organization on the planet mostly because it actually increases the risk of infection and potential side effects while offering exactly zero safety benefits. While Dr. Bob earned the suspicion of his colleagues for his outspoken quest to make babies sicker, it's his most recent actions that have caused the licensing board of California to consider revoking his medical license.

Dr. Bob currently stands accused of granting a medical exemption for vaccines to a two-year-old without even bothering to look at the boy's medical history. Rather, Dr. Bob allegedly granted the medical exemption simply because the mother asked for one:

[Dr. Sears] allegedly relied only on what the boy’s mother told him about her son’s previous response to vaccinations — he supposedly lost urinary function and went limp — instead of obtaining medical records. The absence of an “evidence-based recommendation” for the boy’s medical exemption left the boy, and everyone the boy comes into contact with, “at risk for preventable and communicable disease,” according to the medical board’s accusation.

In other words, Sears didn't even bother to check the child's medical chart to decide if the mother's story was true. He granted the medical exemption just on the mother's word. "After all, why would a woman morally opposed to vaccines have a reason to lie about vaccine reactions?" many an idiot would ask.

Vaccines aside, Dr. Bob also stands accused of downright insane negligence with this same child for failing to perform any neurological testing after the toddler was brought in to see him after being struck in the head with a hammer! Jesus Christ, man! What more do you need to alert you that something is wrong in this household short of renaming their son "CPS Red Flag"? And then, during ANOTHER visit with ANOTHER patient, Sears prescribed garlic for a kid's ear infection instead of, y'know, actual medicine.

You may be wondering why the medical board is taking such a harsh stance on Dr. Bob's granting a medical exemption without evidence. As it stands, California requires that children attending school or daycare be up to date on their vaccinations unless they have a medically documented reason not to be. The state used to offer the much-abused "personal belief exemption," which meant parents could forgo the vaccination entirely if they just signed a piece of paper saying they thought needles were icky because of "sincerely held beliefs" blah blah blah Hobby Lobby you know the drill. After California repealed the personal belief exemption with the much-protested SB-277, anti-vaxxers freaked out that the state might actually make them follow the law for once. What nerve! Now the only way they could legally put their kids at risk for infectious diseases was to get a medical exemption from a licensed physician, and that was super tough because in order to get that they would need actual evidence that the child had a medical reaction to a vaccine. At least, that would be the case if they went to a real physician. In the wake of the law's passage, anti-vaxxers passed around lists of licensed quacks who were less stringent than others on that whole "medical evidence" thing, and Dr. Bob's Orange County practice (of course it's there) was at the top of every list.

If the Medical Board finds Sears negligent, he could have his license revoked, which would really put a damper on his lucrative medical scam business. Good luck to ya, Sears. It couldn't have happened to a nicer dildo.

[WPBF / WTVR / Scientific American / Slate]

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