The State Of Our Union Is ... BLOGGED!
OYEZ OYEZ! ALL RISE FOR THE SUPREME COURT OF JOE BIDEN, KAMALA, AND SOME STUPID REPUBLICAN DIPSHIT, IS NOW IN SESSION.
And if you think I'm watching Sarah Fucking Huckabee Sanders responding, you are out of your everlovin mind.
8:55 PM: People are talking to each other, Kyrsten Sinema is wearing a dayglo yellow balloon dress, and Kamala Harris looks like Kevin McCarthy smells like this reanimated cat corpse snuggled on my left arm. (I have a reanimated cat corpse, his name is Samuel Gompers.)
That means we're starting!
Neat, it's the Supreme Court. Love them a lot. Apparently Alito, Gorsuch, and Thomas have chosen to make themselves scarce. Well, how they shall be missed.
The White House's youtube (linked above) is not showing the pregame, so I can't screen shot you Dr. Jill's sexxxay Hot Purple Prince dress and flowing '70s locks. Seriously, Dr. Jill, dang girl lookin' good.
Did Kyrsten Sinema just refuse to shake Secretary Mayor Pete's hand, or did it precede the camera catching her tightly gripping her own wrists? We will never, ever know.
Sweet, your Rachel Maddow says the rumor is this will be a "long" State of the Union. Y'all toke up for me, I can't smoke and work. I leave that to my husband, who is quite talented.
NBC scuttlebutt is that Mr. President Joe "looked George Santos directly in the eye but did not shake his hand." Oh my stars, it's the cut direct!
9:10 PM: Joe just was kind to Barely Speaker Kevin McCarthy, he's so fuckin polite. And a better man than I.
He also just called Chuck Schumer Minority Leader, so that's an impeachin'!
Will Kevin McCarthy clap for "jobs"? Are you fuckin new here?
9:15 PM: Joe is doing his patented "we're all America, look how we work together." Will they reciprocate? Are you fuckin new here?
See what I did there? It's not quite a "callback," because it was the previous sentence. I'd call it "lazy" :)
LOL Barely Kevin is clapping for manufacturing jobs and "lowest unemployment since 1969" but like ... he's holding his hands low so you can't quite see the clapping over their ... not podium, wherever the fuck they are sitting.
9:20 PM: Joe is explaining cars needs chips and salsa, and honestly, we yell at the Republicans for being SO FUCKING TERRIBLE, but they did actually do some bipartisans the last Congress. Not like they're Mitch McConnell and the president is Black.
9:25 PM: Ooooh Joe MAD, Joe SHAKING FINGER, Joe HOW VERY DARE YOU SIRRAHS over US being 13th in infrastructure. Fuck you, Joe says, and fuck that! But Joe loves you. He knows you want infrastructure for your district even if you vote against it. He has promised to be a president "for all Americans," and he will "see you at the groundbreaking!"
LOOK AT SARAH, LOOK AT THIS FUCKIN IRONWORKER.
LOL Barely Kevin just low-key applauded the ironworkers union. I think he keeps forgetting he's not supposed to. He's REALLY dumb!
Joe's just listing shit, but EXCITED. IRON! LUMBER! FIBER OPTIC CABLE! CHAMOMILE TEA!
So since Samuel Gompers got home from the week of death and many cat surgeries, his mother and sister, Miss Pickles and Tipitina, keep trying to murder him because of how he is a zombie now and THEY AINT LIKE IT. So I am hearing many YOWLS and MURDERS and also Joe.
9:30 PM: Joe promises we don't have to worry about Big Pharma, he promises they will be fine, even though he murdered them with free insulin. That's so Joe!
Joe mentions that the CHUDs wanna repeal the Inflation Reduction Act, and they all applaud, and he just laughs in their faces, quote: "That's okay, as my high school football coach used to say, good luck in your senior year!"
If Evan were here tonight, he would post Young Hot Joe right here. But I can't find it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Don't worry, I got something better.
9:40 PM: Okay I know we're in the tank (duh obvs) but this is a rollicking speech. He's shouting! They're shouting! Like Prime Minister's Fisticuffs And Gentlemen's Crumpets and Swaggerbobbing! I don't know what's going on! It's so much fun!
Joe says we'll need oil for at least another decade and there's a hearty roar of laughter, and now he is being roundly booed for noting that Trump can suck a big old deficit. At some point Joe Manchin was unsure to clap, not to? He looked very unsure and frowny and thinking very hard about taking a very big dump, but then he clapped for rich people to pay taxes. So that is bipartisan, between Democrats and Joe Manchin Party.
Another big round of boos for Joe Biden noting that some Republicans want Social Security to "sunset." How very dare he! Like, say, the former vice president of the United States who just today said he wants to privatize it. Some combination of MGT and the Boebs shouts again that he is a liar.
TODAY! Mike Pence Sews Up 2024 GOP Nomination With Hot New Idea: 'Privatize Social Security'
AND BEFORE THAT! Republicans Just Can't Stop Sticking Dicks In 'Privatize Social Security' Light Socket
9:50 PM: Joe says some cool shit he did, like not letting Jimmy John's do noncompetes against Subway, for when you are a minimum wage worker, Jesus Christ. Some other cool shit too, I forget.
UNLEGAL! Jimmy Johns Is Evil. We Mean More Evil.
9:55 PM: Joe says COVID was very bad, deaths are down 90 percent, we opened the country back up. Of all the Joe stuff, I am least happy with how his administration has been dealing with COVID — fuckin CDC, man! — but good lord at least he's not actively telling people not to get the vaccine or beating up people for wearing masks, UGH.
10 PM: Nobody is yelling or booing or clapping, as Joe Biden, who has buried a child, talks about "the Talk" that African American parents have with their children, and about parents who have buried their children at the hands of the Law. Tyre Nichols's parents are grave. Kamala Harris looks sad and somber. Barely Kevin looks bored. Joe demands Equal Protection under the law for our children. Deep breath. Deep sigh. Kevin stands for "I know most cops are decent," and ... sure Kevin. You found your clap line.
10:05 PM: Hey how about if we ... banned assault weapons? Would that be cool? You know we've done it before, it cut gun deaths, it expired, they went way the fuck back up!
Joe combines that with immigration, which seems an odd segue, giving neither especially long shrift.
So we've got a bit of a laundry list going here of shit Biden wants done: ABORTION FOR EVERYONE! Tiny American flags for others! Ukraine, Putin, gay folks, a path to citizenship. Those are all good things! (Except Putin.) I'd like to see a heartier fuck you at the third of the country that is actively trying to terrorize our gay and lez and bi and trans friends and children and beloveds. If not tonight, he should just give a whole fuckin speech on it. Shitheads are doing terrorism to our children, and he needs to tell them to their un-American faces that THEY'RE the ones who don't belong.
He's spending a lot of time on China, because idiots shit their pants about that stupid balloon, which Old Joe murdered with his bare space lasers. People are shouting USA which is annoying even when it's us.
10:20 PM: Joe is against cancer, particularly for babies. Gonna back him up on that.
Joe is against hitting Paul Pelosi in the head with a hammer. Paul Pelosi looks better than Bono does next to him, honestly.
DON'T BE ANTIDEMOCRATIC SHITHEADS! says Joe. NO HITTING PEOPLE IN THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER. (Does not say Bono looks like shit, that would be rude.)
10:25 PM: My husband Shy said Joe would be lying if he didn't say THE STATE OF THE UNION IS NOT STRONG, the STATE OF THE UNION IS PRECARIOUS AS SHIT.
Well, that would be against the law. But Joe does preface it with the reasons the state of America must be strong: because. It's a bit of a tautology: We are strong because we have to be strong; we have to be strong because oh fuck if we aren't.
And Joe is DONE HERE. He loves you baby. He wants you to be happy, and good, and not a dick piece of shit. AMERICA.
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