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There are some Republican politicians who wholeheartedly endorse Donald Trump's idea to go full authoritarian and grab enhanced presidential powers by the pussy by declaring a NATIONAL EMERGY in order to build his dumb fucking wall. Lindsey Graham, for instance, who gets a little less American every day his BFF and life chaperone John McCain remains dead.

Man has lost his goddamned fucking mind.

But some Republicans still are vaguely aware that this is America and that ain't how shit works in supposedly free countries. Of course, they're using their unique brand of wingnut mental gymnastics to get to the right answer, so they only get participation trophies. But good effort anyway!

Little Marco Rubio is totally freaked that if Trump declares a NATIONAL EMERGY now, then President Kamala Harris will declare a NATIONAL EMERGY to address the climate change crisis, which, unlike Trump's imaginary border "crisis," actually exists. Meanwhile over there in the House of Representatives, punchy-faced GOP Rep. Matt Gaetz is launching dumps in his Underoos over the possibility of the next Democratic president doing a NATIONAL EMERGY and requiring all elementary school bathrooms to have places for transgender kids to pee in peace, which would be unfair, because YOUR WIVES AND DAUGHTERS are in there right now, also peeing! Can you imagine if that happened? Tucker Carlson would have to self-deport himself into outer space to get away from the transgender bathrooms, because Tucker Carlson has potty issues.

But we here at Wonkette are honest warbloggers, so we want to fess up and say that Little Marco and Little Dumpload are correct. If Trump pulls this shit, the next Democratic president and every Democratic president thereafter are going to do NATIONAL EMERGIES for literally everything, not only to make the world a better place, but also (mostly) just to make white conservatives cry.

Here are the top ten things we already have planned:


10. The transgender bathrooms thing, obviously, but only if all the trans folks are literally standing around doing the pee pee dance and saying "IT'S A EMERGENCY," because they can't find nowhere to pee.

9. The climate change thing Little Marco's got his panties in such a wad about, which actually might stand up in court because it is a fucking emergency, according to science, LOLOLOL.

8. We are going to BUILD THE WALL, but around Donald Trump Jr.'s face, so nobody will ever cry again because it's such a bad face.

7. The next Dem prez will declare a NATIONAL EMERGY about how none of the white megachurches in America are called the "Church Of Obama Is So Sexxxy And Abortions Are My Favorite," after which all the white megachuches will be called that.

6. A NATIONAL EMERGY addressing how sick and goddamn tired we are of that stupid Proud To Be An American song, after which no one will be allowed to ever play the Lee Greenwood version ever again, upon penalty of death. They will have to use the Beyonce one.

Beyonce - God Bless The USA - Macys 4th of July 2011 Beyoncedayz www.youtube.com

5. In order to address the diabetes crisis in America, Fox News will be kicked off the air and permanently replaced with a loop of Michelle Obama saying "eat your vegetables" in a MENACING WAY.

4. In order to finally win the War on Christmas, a NATIONAL EMERGY will outlaw people saying "Merry Christmas," again upon penalty of death. The only acceptable holiday greeting thereafter will be, "May your season be full of so much lesbian buttsex in a one-horse open sleigh, and I hope it hurts the Baby Jesus's feelings."

3. To address the crisis of auto fatalities, NASCAR will be allowed to remain, but the speed limit will be 25 miles per hour and speedbumps will be installed on all the racetracks. Turning left will be banned, though. Tickets will be free, but attendees must spell 10 words correctly in order to proceed into the event.

2. The next Democratic president will declare a national emergency to unfuck all the gerrymandering in the House and in state legislatures, which has allowed the GOP to retain power even as it represents a solid MINORITY of Americans; to reform the Senate by allocating senators based on population, or abolish it altogether, again, to break the stranglehold the minority party has on that body; and to tell the Electoral College to go to hell and get fucked.

1. GONNA TURN THIS SUPREME COURT ALL THE WAY UP TO 11, Y'ALL.

These are all things that are going to happen in the future, if Trump declares a NATIONAL EMERGY to build his whiny ass titty baby wall. Bet on it.

Now, it is the end of the day and the end of the week, so have an OPEN THREAD.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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One of the most common things to say in America, just behind "Happy Birthday" and "NO COLLUSION," is "Mitch McConnell should go fuck himself." It works for all occasions, whether you have just stubbed your toe or whether you are in the middle of your wedding to your sweetheart. Try it!

But why should Mitch McConnell go fuck himself at this particular moment? Let's look at the top three current reasons!

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Sucks to be you, Pat Shanahan! The acting Defense secretary is currently under investigation for preferential treatment of his former bosses at Boeing, who just got busted letting planes fall out of the sky if buyers skimped on the upgrades. Shanahan was never a favorite of Trump's, and now his chances of getting made Big Boy For Real Sec Def are decreasing by the day. Which means that he's going through all this shit for nothing! Womp womp!

What shit, you ask? Well! Last night Shanahan announced the first tranche of the "found" money the DoD is shifting over to fund WALL in defiance of Congress's constitutional spending powers. The Defense Department will be transferring the cash from accounts meant to support military personnel into "anti-drug funding," which they've decided means they can use it to build "18-foot-high pedestrian fencing, constructing and improving roads, and installing lighting within the Yuma and El Paso Sectors of the border." Already pissed off about the fake EMERGY declaration, although not pissed enough to override a veto, congresspeople on both sides of the aisle are hopping mad that the Trump administration dicked them around for months, shut down the government, forced them to negotiate for wall funding in good faith, and then said HA HA SUCKERS, WE'RE JUST GOING TO STEAL IT FROM THE RAINY DAY FUND ANYWAY!

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