The Top 432,698 Reasons Acting AG Meatball Is Full Of Sh*t About The Mueller Probe Being Almost Over

Matthew Whitaker, the unfit acting attorney general of the United States, did his first big boy press conference ever on Monday! It did not go well for him. First of all, he looked like Sweatballs McGross, because he was sweating a lot, and he also looked totally out of place and very frightened. Maybe a guy whose claim to fame is sitting on the board of a scam company that's under federal investigation, one that hawked inventions like special deep toilets for men with peeners that are just TOO BIG for pooping on the normal potty, shouldn't be the top law enforcement official in the nation. We are just suggesting!

Anyway, during the press conference, Meatball talked about the Robert Mueller investigation, and he said a thing that made every Beltway journalist within a one million mile radius cream their pants and breathlessly take to Twitter like they had a SCOOP:

"I have been fully briefed on the investigation and I look forward to Director Mueller delivering the final report," Whitaker said. "I am comfortable that the decisions that were made are going to be reviewed. . . . Right now, you know, the investigation is, I think, close to being completed."


First of all, if he's been "fully briefed," we are worried that he's also improperly "fully briefing" Donald Trump on the investigation, because Meatball is a dumbass political hack. He should be recused from knowing anything about the investigation, but he ignored the advice of the ethics lawyers at the Justice Department, probably because he was appointed by Trump specifically to do damage to the Mueller investigation, and if he can't do that, what even is the point of Meatball? He's said publiclymany times that he thinks the investigation is wrong and bad and a witch hunt, and that he'd like to starve it of all its funding. So there's that.

Secondly, what the hell is he talking about when he says "the decisions that were made are going to be reviewed"? For real, watch the video, because we're not sure those words or the words that came just after it were even in English. (That's also about when he turned into a geyser of sweat.)

Thirdly, please note that he said the investigation is almost over, HE THINKS. As in, he is offering his opinion to his audience of one, President Idiot Tweets. As in, he doesn't really have any fucking idea if the investigation is almost over, he's just talking out his ass and sweating out of his face, even though the acting attorney general of the United States is not supposed to talk about ongoing investigations.

But is he RIGHT? Pardon us, but we don't think so.

First of all, Roger Stone was just indicted, and the indictment itself suggests that more Trump campaign people might be culpable for Stone's NO COLLUSION, as laid out by Mueller. The FBI raided all of Stone's houses while they were dragging him to jail by his underpants, which suggests a lot more might be coming. CNN reported last night that the lawyer for another Mueller witness associated with Stone, Andrew Miller, says the Mueller team has signaled that more charges for Stone may be forthcoming. And maybe Jerome Corsi will get indicted! Maybe Mueller will treat somebody else WORSE THAN BIN LADEN (not worse than bin Laden), by arresting them without even shooting them in the face even a little bit!

Robert Mueller has just extended his grand jury for another six months, which would suggest that the investigation might wind down sometime this summer, since he can't get any more extensions after that, and would have to seat a whole new grand jury once that one's time is up. The fact that he extended the current one at least suggests that he's closer to the end of this thing than he is to the beginning.

Michael Cohen's guilty plea seems to indicate that there's a lot more to come, since part of what he pleaded to is lying to Congress about the Trump Tower Moscow deal, most likely in some wayat the direction of Donald Trump. We still have a lot to learn about President Russian Asset, AKA Individual-1.

And we still haven't even gotten to the good shit about Donald Trump Jr. and Jared Kushner and the real-ass full story of NO COLLUSION. Hell, we haven't even gotten the full story of Paul Manafort, who was handing secret Trump campaign data to a Russian spy for some reason.

Oh yeah, and that secret case against the secret company owned by a country that's resisting Mueller's subpoena is still winding its way through the court system.

And Erik Prince! And those goddamn Saudi and Emirati princes! And and and!

Our point is, there's a lot going on, and Mueller's still got a fuckton of people cooperating, so we highly doubt we're about to get his report next week during Trump's rescheduled State of the Union, although that would be hilarious timing.

Meatball will be testifying publicly before Congress next Friday, and we will be liveblogging, because of fucking course we will be. What an unmitigated disaster lies in store for us! You know, unless William Barr is confirmed as the real attorney general before then and Meatball is unable to make it to Congress that day, on account of how he has fallen into a Big Peener Toilet and can't get up.

Oh look! It is your OPEN THREAD!

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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