The Top 5 Places Trump And Putin Are Going To Secretly Meet At The G20, Ranked By How Quiet They'll Have To Be

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Y'all! Did you hear? Donald Trump CANCELED HIS MEETING WITH PUTIN AT THE G20!

No, really! He grew a spine and made a tweet about it!

....in Argentina with President Vladimir Putin. I look forward to a meaningful Summit again as soon as this situation is resolved!

— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump) 1543509259.0 

Yes, you bet! Donald Trump got a "briefing" on the airplane, and "based on the fact" that the "ships and sailors" Russia kidnapped from Ukraine have not been #ReturnedToSender, he's "not going to meet with Putin." That is definitely the reason. The ships. And the sailors. Ukraine.

Has nothing to do with what happened this morning with Ichael-May Ohen-Cay!

As CNN reports, just an hour before he "canceled" the meeting, Trump told reporters that it was "a very good time to have a meeting" with his BFF cum handler Vladimir Putin, because c'mon you guys, when is it a bad time to dance with the one what brung you, the apple of your eye, the object of your affection, the thrill up your pantleg, the Big Mac in your garden of disgusting arugula?

Anyway, this will be fun. Because you know they're totally still meeting, right? You got that?

Remember that time at that other G20, when Trump and Putin met for TWO HOURS AND SIXTEEN MINUTES, but that wasn't enough, so Trump snuck underneath the dinner table over to where Putin was sitting and pulled up the tablecloth and told Putin every state secret he knows, then fell asleep on Putin's thigh? (OK maybe it didn't go down exactly that way, but it was just Trump, Putin and a KREMLIN interpreter, which wasn't even necessary because Putin speaks English, so it was probably a spy. God knows what the fuck they talked about. Oh yeah, "Russian adoptions." Which is code for lifting sanctions. Refer to our Cohen piece from this morning once again!)

This is going to be like that thing when you take a date or your spouse to your parents' house for Thanksgiving and you and your paramour decide it would be really #HAWT to sneak some sex in between extra helpings of your mom's famous giblet gravy, but you have to be REALLY SNEAKY so nobody will catch you. It's just like that, except with the American president secretly conspiring with the leader of our most hostile enemy.

The G20 is in Argentina this year, and they have helpfully posted a video of the venue where the event will be held, so we can see where Putin and Trump might sneak off to, to sample each other's giblet gravy:

5: On top of the lights above these couches.

They will probably have to be VERY QUIET if they decide to get up on those doohickeys that hold the lights, especially if people are hobnobbing on the chairs below. But if there's loud music playing, they might be able to get away with it.

4: In one of these nice meeting rooms.

GOOD CHOICE, guys, as long as nobody else is currently using the meeting room. But try to pick the one at the end of the hallway, and grab one of those "no housekeeping please" hanging thingies from the hotel to make extra certain Angela Merkel won't just barge on in.

3: Behind these two podiums.

PROS: If nobody is currently using the podiums and you stay real still, people will probably just continue walkin' on by while you have your secret meeting.

CONS: Well ... far be it from us to say that one of those podiums might not be able to conceal Trump's voluminous ass, but just kidding, we are saying that.

2: Behind these couch cushions right here.

OK, Donald and Vlad, if you decide to get behind these couch cushions to do a clandestine meeting, you're going to have to be two little pitter-pattering MICE, especially if Emmanuel Macron and Justin Trudeau sit down on the same couch you're hiding inside to discuss nice things like freedom and democracy and what it's like to have the four best buttcheeks at the whole entire G20.

1: Right in the middle of this big circle of chairs with all the other world leaders present.

SHHHHHHHHH, VLADIMIR AND DONALD, THIS IS THE QUIETEST ONE. If you choose to have a secret summit right in the middle of all the other world leaders while they are having a meeting , they are gonna SEE YOU. Seriously, if you guys pick this spot, you are not even trying.

Good luck, boys! We're rootin' for you! Or the opposite of that!

Press corps, please keep an eye out.

You just never know when Donald Trump is going to try to slip away to commit (more) treason with Putin.

Oh by the way, OPEN THREAD.

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