The Top 6 Signs Robert Mueller Is About To Indict The Sh*tfire Outta Some Folks, According To #Science

It's a cloudy day in Washington DC. It's also a federal holiday, Veterans Day, but Donald Trump can't do normal presidential Veterans Day stuff like lay a wreath at Arlington National Cemetery because he saw a cloud and you know what clouds do, they spit water at your face, and Donald Trump can't get wet because he probably has rabies, allegedly.

DC is quiet, is our point.

But there are indicators that somebody is at work, and that somebody is Robert Mueller. We could be wrong, but we have a sneaking suspicion that tomorrow, or Wednesday, or at the very latest Friday, we are going to get Indictment O'Clock for an early Christmas present. Here is why:

1. Mueller didn't give ANYBODY the day off, apparently!

What are they all working on, HMMMMMMMM?

2. Look who else is in DC!

It is Michael Cohen! He's been so helpful lately,spilling Trump's secrets to Mueller and to the SDNY! And here he is in DC, just days after the Wall Street Journalreported all the dirty details of how Trump spearheaded the operation to do illegal payoffs to porn ladies. Is Cohen doing a grand jury appearance? Is he doing some more flipping, like a common flipper who flips?


3. Don Jr. is SCURRED.

Gabe Sherman reported just before the Blue Wave that the White House is worried that Donald Trump Jr. is about to be indicted, and Politico reported the day after the Blue Wave that Junior himself is freaked out. For what? PICK A CRIME, ANY CRIME.

Also, what innocent person says that? "I am worried I am going to be indicted now." The answer is that no innocent person says that.

4. Roger Stone is SCURRED.

All through the election season, when Mueller was very quietly hunting wabbits so as not to appear "political" before an election like a common James Comey, we got many reports that suggested Mueller is circling ever closer around Roger Stone, who has also said he expects to be indicted. (Again, who SAYS that?) And what will he be indicted for? Oh just probably ALL OF IT, KATIE.

5. That whole bullshit with Trump immediately firing Jeff Sessions the day after the Blue Wave and shoehorning Meatball McStupidAss in as acting attorney general to protect him.

Yeah, THAT guy. (Read our latest dispatch on Matt Whitaker here!) Of course, Benjamin Wittes argues that Trump's Hail Fuckin' Mary probably happened a bit too late, because do you think Robert Mueller was born in a turnip truck yesterday? If he's already got sealed indictments, he's already got sealed indictments.

6. Have you seen how President DumpLoad has been acting the past few days?

He can't do Veterans Day or Armistice Day stuff, because it's cloudy with a 40% chance of moist. Today he's staying inside all day, tweeting like he has Mad Cow Disease. (OR RABIES.)

And according to seasoned journalists, his ass is just really stopped up right now:

Our bad for calling him President DumpLoad! Guess we'll have to call him President NeverDumps now.

OK fine, that was just a juvenile joke about Trump's bowels that we've been wanting to make all day, but for serious, he seems way more freaked than usual.

In conclusion!

We think it's about to be indictment-thirty up in here. We'd put bets on it but it's entirely possible we're wrong. But if we're right, then the rest of this week is going to be NUTFUCKINGCRAZY.

OK, we have nothing else to say about this so have an OPEN THREAD and we will see you tomorrow, unless Mueller decides to do NSFW Indictments After Dark tonight, in which case we will come back and tell you that.


Oh hey! Literally just as we posted this, too!

"The perjury trap." More like the "It's actually a crime to lie to the FBI, you know" trap. PFFFFFFFFFT.

Let it happen soon! Let it happen tomorrow! Let there be so many indictments we get sick of indictments tomorrow!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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