The Top 5 Trump Hannity Interview Answers Because You Weren't Yet Having A Stroke
Last night Donald Trump appeared on Sean Hannity's long running soap opera "Old and the Feckless," where he went twenty whole minutes without discussing his amazing score on the "Are You Demented" test. So by that metric, it was a rousing success! By the "Will We All Survive Until January" metric, the results were ... less good.
Here are some choice excerpts we culled from the transcript because FUCK NO we're not watching that whole thing. Not for all the Malbec in Argentina, and certainly not on a Friday. The transcript was painful enough, TYVM!
Hannity started off the interview saying he wanted to "talk about COVID a lot."
"Well, it's really the China virus. Call it COVID. Call it any one of a lot of different names," blarped our Commander in Chief.
For months the president predicted that the virus would "disappear one day, like magic." But since that hasn't happened, he's making masks great again: "And then all of a sudden, it was a big thing to get masks because I'm all for it."
Will we have a vaccine soon? If we do, it will be thanks to the Dear Leader.
These companies, I'm dealing with them directly, I'm getting reports directly. They are very far advanced. They've already started testing. And what I have done is through the FDA, Dr. Hahn, and some great people, we have ramped it up to a level that nobody has ever seen speed like this.
If we don't get a vaccine though, it's fine, because they can "give somebody a shot or do whatever you have to do."
And therapeutically, therapeutics are, I think, going to be fantastic. Frankly, I would like to have that first because you could go into the hospitals, give somebody a shot or do whatever you have to do, and they would get better right away. But we are doing very well therapeutically. And we are doing very, very well with vaccines.
Naturally, Hannity is still flogging Hydroxybonercream 3000, despite the fact that it's been shown to lead to worse outcomes. Sorry, Grandma, it's the principle of the thing!
On Canceling the Convention
Never a stickler for consistency, the president demands credit for canceling the convention — "We're setting an example. We don't want to have people so close together" — while simultaneously criticizing North Carolina Gov. Roy Cooper for refusing to allow the RNC to host 20,000 maskless Gippers in his state.
"We went to North Carolina. We wanted to do it there. It was all set. We were going to build a beautiful facility. And it got hit hard. And the governor then, really, he could have treated us better, Democrat governor."
They were not going to build a beautiful facility, they were going to rent one from the City of Charlotte. But anyway, whatever happens, this convention is going to be just amazing.
HANNITY: I have been told, Mr. President, from sources of mine — you can confirm if you like — I guess maybe I'm not surprised, that you're entertaining ideas that I have heard tonight that would be pretty spectacular. Would you give us any insight into what they are?
TRUMP: Well, we have some ideas, but it'll have to be different than your typical convention. We have just great enthusiasm in the party. I don't think we have ever had it, even more so than 2016. And you see what's going on with the polls.
Heavy-hitting journalism! Give that man a Pulitzer!
After getting so excited about Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler getting teargassed on Wednesday night that he peed himself a little, allegedly — "And they knocked the hell out of him. That was the end of him. So, it was pretty, pretty pathetic" — Trump lamented the fact that Democratic mayors don't want storm troopers to descend upon their cities and aim heavy weapons at American citizens.
Why won't Democrats let him solve crime with a military occupation?
TRUMP: And we could solve it. If they invited us in, we'd go in with 50,000, 75,000 people. We would be able to solve it, like you wouldn't believe, and quick. But they just don't want to ask, maybe for political reasons. But they don't want to ask. It's a disgrace.
It's a disgrace! Also a disgrace is Joe Biden's call to stop giving tanks to local law enforcement agents so they can turn American streets into a military theater.
TRUMP: It was sitting in warehouses all over the US. And I delivered it all to police, free of charge, all to police. It was just growing dust. It was just -- just sitting there, just, I guess, paying rent or whatever they were doing in all these massive warehouses. And I got it all out to the police. And they were so thankful. And, you know, a lot of it was protective equipment. And they didn't want to do it, because they thought the police looked too strong, that it was sending a wrong signal to the police.
But it was really protecting the police. And there was offensive capability, but there was a lot of protective capability. And it was really amazing to me, what — that they wouldn't deliver it, they wouldn't — they wouldn't do it.
And I — and I have gotten notes. I have gotten so many notes from the heads of the police departments, and even from the cops, just the guys on the beat, thanking me for all of the equipment that we send out. And we were never going to use it. It was growing old and growing dusty.
Thank God and President Trump that we're not paying rent to store dusty armored personnel carriers anymore! Think of those big, manly cops who haven't cried in years sending tearful notes, weeping with gratitude, that they can now chase down street level drug dealers in a Humvee.
On Why He Deserves Another Term
Trump has taken a bit of flak for flubbing this question before. Senator Chuck Grassley even tweeted his annoyance at Hannity for getting too close to real journalism by not editing Trump in real time the last time he tried it.
So naturally Trump was PREPARED for the question last night. And lest our friends on the Right accuse us of cherrypicking those quotes to make our supergenius biglybrain president look like a drooling fool, we'll give you the answer here in full.
HANNITY: You are asking the American people for four more years. If you are given the four more years, what will this country look like, in your view, four years from now?
TRUMP: So it's all going to be about America first. We always put other countries before us, which is so foolish and so horrible. And it has been so destructive for us. It's about America first. We will help other countries, but we want to take care of ourselves. We are going to be building factories. We are going to be bringing in shops like you've never seen. We were all set to do it until we got hit with the virus.
Our troops will be home. The endless wars are already ending. Down to very few soldiers in — as you know, in Afghanistan. Very few in Iraq. Syria is largely out except we kept the oil. We have oil there that we kept. I didn't want to leave the oil, we kept it. We took it over.
We are going to be about jobs like you haven't seen. We are going to be respected. And we are now by other countries. They're respecting us more than they have in many, many decades. I will tell you that. We are going to have a wall that is complete. We're up to 257 miles on the new wall. And by the way, if we didn't have that wall in right now, you would have numbers in Texas and in California, in New Mexico like you wouldn't believe.
But we built 257 miles of — it's 450 but we are going to do about 537 miles altogether. And it will give a complete, beautiful wall on our southern border that has really helped.
And the other thing is, we are going to start making our product. And I have been pushing this from before this happened. We are going to make things here. We will make them here. Right now China and many other countries are doing what we are supposed to be doing. They went, they became globalists, these great geniuses became globalists. And they really hurt our country.
We are going to start making it here. As with Elon Musk, I said, Elon, build a factory in Texas. He just announced today they're building one of the biggest plants in the world, auto plant for Tesla, and it's going to be in Texas. And, you know, it's great. He called me up just a little while ago to say, I got it done. So that meeting, he got it done. But I was pushing that job very hard from Elon, because we work with him and we do a lot for him. And I said, it's time. And he was great. He's doing a good job.
But the other thing we have done is Space Force. You know, we put it in, it's the first time in 76 years we have a new force. We have — so important, the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard, and now we have the Air Force. It's so great. And it's so important. It's going to end up being one of — at first, I didn't even talk about that on the campaign. This was after I got in office.
I realized we need it. Because China and Russia were going to dominate space. And we can't let that — and now we're going to be dominating space. They're not too happy about what we did with Air Force. But we have it. And — with Space Force.
So we have now Space Force, so important, and so many other things, Sean, regulation cuts, tax cuts, the biggest tax cuts in history, biggest regulation cuts in history. And we are going to continue that forward. There are still many things we can do. But the bottom line is we are putting America first and we are making America better than it has ever been.
You will see that. We are going to have a great year next year. We're going to have a great third quarter. And the nice thing about the third quarter is the results are going to come out before the election.
KNOCKED IT OUT OF THE PARK! Just give Donald Trump another term, and Elon Musk will make our product, which is Space Force, in Texas, so we can steal Syria's oil from the globalists and make America great by putting America first again because now we have the Air Force.
Pray for our liver, Wonkers.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.