The Top 6 Reasons Robert Mueller Needs To Park His Perky Fanny In Front Of Congress RIGHT NOW F*CKING NOW
Two things are clear right now: 1) Robert Mueller does not want to testify for Congress, because he does not want to participate in the shitshow, and 2) Mueller really really really REALLY wants everybody to read the report he wrote.
We are very sorry, but Mueller is going to have to do this, for a lot of reasons that are coming clear as we end this week, on top of the reasons Wonkette laid out just after Mueller gave the statement heard 'round the world.
Herein, Wonkette lists them, both the serious reasons, and also the silly dick joke reasons, because Wonkette really needs to grow up, that's what Wonkette needs to do, because this is a serious subject.
Because Of This Lady
Y'all remember during the 2008 campaign, when that old lady, Grandma The Clown or whatever her name was, was genuinely shocked and stunned when John McCain comforted her by telling her that Barack Obama was not actually an Ay-rab? Keep that at the front of your mind while you read about this lady who attended GOP Rep. Justin Amash's town hall this week:
Cathy Garnaat, a Republican who supported Amash and the president said she was upset about Amash's position but wanted to hear his reasoning. She said that she will definitely support Trump in 2020 but that Tuesday night was the first time she had heard that the Mueller report didn't completely exonerate the president.
"I was surprised to hear there was anything negative in the Mueller report at all about President Trump. I hadn't heard that before," she said. "I've mainly listened to conservative news and I hadn't heard anything negative about that report and President Trump has been exonerated."
We know Robert Mueller wants everybody to read his report. It is 448 pages long, it is the best book report he ever did write, and he has fantasies of Americans congregating in Walmart checkout lines with their highlighters, having audible "AHA!" moments and sharing them with the whole class. We regret to inform Robert Mueller that the America of which he is dreaming, where people read stuff, does not exist.
We have read the entire thing, but that is because it is our job. But most people haven't. Most importantly, there is an entire media ecosystem called Fox News that is built to lie and propagandize people into trusting them, never checking their sources, and taking what they say as gospel truth. And they, in collusion with Bill Barr and Donald Trump, have force-fed millions of people with wet bullshit that says the Mueller Report totally exonerated Trump, and those people believe it.
But go back to the genuine surprise Grandma The Clown felt when she found out Obama wasn't an Arab, and that Cathy Garnaat felt when her Tea Party congressman told her the truth. America needs Robert Mueller to tell them the truth. On TV, with his mouth.
Again, they're not going to read it! Hell, Maggie Haberman is pretty sure the reason Mueller's brief statement freaked Trump out so much is that he hasn't read it. (Which makes sense, because we're not sure Trump can read.) And it doesn't matter if, as Mueller said this week, any testimony he gives to Congress would stay within the four corners of the report, because he has nothing else to add. Americans haven't seen it. And Bill Barr and Trump got a head start on Mueller, by refusing to release the report to Congress, refusing to release the summaries Mueller's team painstakingly prepared to be ready for the people's consumption on Day One, so they could steal the narrative and piss all over Mueller's work.
The record needs to be corrected, Bob.
Because Bill Barr Says It's OK To Call Trump A Dirty-Ass Fucking Criminal Now!
In a clip from "CBS This Morning" that's been circulating the past 24 hours, Bill Barr tells interviewer Jan Crawford that actually he would have been fine with Robert Mueller making a decision on whether Trump is a gigantic crimer who commits crimes, instead of laying out for hundreds of pages in precise detail all the evidence of Trump's crimes, and then leaving it to Congress and the American people to come to the obvious conclusion, which is GUILTY.
"I personally felt he could've reached a decision," he told CBS News chief legal correspondent Jan Crawford during an exclusive interview in Anchorage, Alaska, on Thursday.
"The opinion says you cannot indict a president while he is in office, but he could've reached a decision as to whether it was criminal activity," Barr added. "But he had his reasons for not doing it, which he explained and I am not going to, you know, argue about those reasons."
The Mueller Report explains, and Mueller himself explained this week, that because of the DOJ policy that you can't indict the sitting president, or try him in a court of law, it wouldn't have been fair for him and his team of prosecutors to come to a determination of whether Trump's many questionable actions constitute "crime." But Bill Barr says it's OK now!
So hey, Robert Mueller, get in front of Congress and say "J'accuse!" The attorney general of the United States is fine with that!
Because Fox News And The GOP Are Literally Saying Mueller Won't Testify Because He's Scared Of Being Questioned By A Congressman Who Is Currently Suing An Imaginary Internet Cow For Hurting His Feelings
No seriously, they are saying that.
And then there's Rudy Giuliani:
"If they allow [GOP Reps.] Meadows and Jordan and few of the others there, they'll eviscerate him more than they did Michael Cohen," said Rudy Giuliani, President Trump's personal attorney during and after the Mueller probe. Giuliani said it would be "emotionally satisfying to have" Mueller testify and that "in terms of the politics of it, I would love to have him testify. I think he's afraid to."
Yeah, buddy, you got it! (Also, Rudy Giuliani must have been watching the Michael Cohen hearing upside down, because those Republicans looked like fucking idiots.)
Why they think this makes sense is beyond us. Why they cling to the notion that Devin Nunes, Jim Jordan, Mark Meadows and Matt Gaetz are some kinda clever geniuses that would really OWN THE LIBS if they got to question Mueller ...
We are not saying the latest coordinated talking point from the
Kremlin GOP and its state-run TV network is serious, or that it deserves anything more than the fits of giggles we find ourselves having every time we hear it. We are simply saying Mueller should just go to Congress and beat the shit out of them (WITH WORD FACTS) his own damn self, if for no other reason than to make these dipshits STFU.
Because ... Because ... Because PETTIFOGGERY!
Why, Robert Mueller, you've driven wingnut Congressman Tom McClintock to Olde English Insults!
"Mr. Mueller's statement ... is a case study in pettifoggery, and reinforces my position that he should be compelled to testify before Congress," McClintock said in a statement provided to McClatchy. "Any president can be indicted after he leaves office and it was Mueller's job to make a recommendation for prosecution, if one existed. He did not."
"Instead, he prefers to make innuendoes while hiding behind DOJ guidelines and not be questioned," McClintock continued.
"Sorry, it doesn't work that way."
We're sorry the congressman didn't understand Mueller's very clear statement, and found PETTIFOGGERY THEREIN, but sure, why not.
Stop PETTIFOGGING UP THE WINDOWS, Bobby, and go make things EXTRY CLEAR for Congressman Dumbfuck of California! He's as confused as a common Grandma The Clown and needs a nice man like John McCain to 'splain him!
Because DELICIOUS COOKIES!
Does Robert Mueller like delicious cookies? Of course he does, everybody likes delicious cookies!
We are just saying that if Mueller sits his ass down and tells his story to Congress, there might be delicious cookies in his future. AND THERE MIGHT NOT. But we wouldn't want to take the chance and miss out, if we were Robert Mueller.
This was one of the serious reasons, by the way.
BECAUSE IF SHE CAN DO IT, SO CAN ROBERT MUELLER!
ELEVEN HOURS, BOB. And it wasn't Hillary Clinton's favorite thing she ever did either. Sometimes we have to do things that are #NotFun.
We say this with all the love and respect in the world: SUCK IT UP, BOB.
America needs you right now.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!
Wonkette is ad-free and funded ONLY by YOU, our dear readers. If you love Wonkette, SUPPORT WONKETTE.