One of the most common things to say in America, just behind "Happy Birthday" and "NO COLLUSION," is "Mitch McConnell should go fuck himself." It works for all occasions, whether you have just stubbed your toe or whether you are in the middle of your wedding to your sweetheart. Try it!

But why should Mitch McConnell go fuck himself at this particular moment? Let's look at the top three current reasons!

Because His Response To The Mueller Report (WHICH HE HAS NOT READ) Was To Blame Barack Obama For Russia's Attack On Our Election.

You know, the one that installed Shithole Von Fuckstain in the Oval Office! That Russian attack!

Add Mitch McConnell to the list of Republicans gloating this week because they think they've won. He marched his turtle bottom right onto the Senate floor to address the conclusions of the Mueller Report (which he has not read), by stating (as if he'd read it) that Mueller definitely found the guilty party, and it is Barack Obama:

"The attorney general reports that Russia carried out online disinformation campaign and computer hacking efforts designed to sow discord in our nation and interfere in American politics. It is deeply disturbing that the Obama administration was apparently insufficiently prepared to anticipate and counter these Russian threats," McConnell said. "It was hardly a secret prior to November 2016 that Putin's Russia was not and is not our friend. And yet for years, the previous administration ignored, excused and failed to confront Putin's malign activities both at home and abroad."

Perfect, just perfect. Just wow. Breathtaking. The fucking stones on this guy. McConnell wants to let us all know that Putin is bad and that Obama is bad, and it's just too bad Bad Obama didn't do anything about Bad Putin. Gotcha. (Go fuck yourself.)

And let's be real here -- Obama's Russian policy wasn't always the best! And also the Obama administration's response to the ongoing Russian attack did fall short in some key ways -- like the key way in which he let himself get rolled by Mitch McConnell.

Allow us to remind you what Mitch McConnell did when Barack Obama came to him and said, "Hello, my turtle friend who also loves America, our nation's presidential election is under attack by the Russians. Please help me get the word out, bipartisanly, because you love America. Allegedly!" When McConnell and other congressional leaders were briefed on what was going on, not only did McConnell tell the Obama administration to fuck off, he also questioned the intelligence showing that Russia was behind the attack, like a common Trump.

Oh yeah, AND he told Obama that he would call it dirty and uncool "partisan politics" if Obama told America the Russians were attacking the election to hurt Hillary Clinton and help Donald Trump. This was during the time he was refusing to hold hearings for Barack Obama's Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland, which sort of sounds like "partisan politics," if you are not aware that Republicans play by a different set of rules known as IOKIYAR.

Because He Doesn't Want You To See The Mueller Report, Even Though It Allegedly Absolves Shithole Von Fuckstain Of All Russian Crimes!

Huh, that is weird. Because a new poll says that fully 84 percent of Americans want the full report released, including 75 percent of people who admit to the shameful fact that they are Republicans. And Donald Trump says the Mueller report was "great" and "could not have been better," and he's probably about eight seconds from saying that a lot of people had no idea Robert Mueller was a Republican, just like Abraham Lincoln, who a lot of people had no idea was a Republican before Donald Trump found out he was a Republican.

Despite all that, McConnell blocked a nonbinding resolution from Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer to release the full report, a resolution the House voted 420 to zip to pass. That's weird, right? Wonder why he wants to deny Americans the right to READ IT AND WEEP about how innocent and pure Donald Trump really is, because that's obviously what the report says, right?

Because He Does Want To LOCK HER UP, Because America Has Been Sentenced To Remain In 2016 For All Eternity

If you saw Senate Judiciary Committee chairman Lindsey Graham's bullshit press conference on Monday, you saw Graham demand that Attorney General Bill Barr appoint a new special counsel to investigate the last special counsel and also to investigate Hillary Clinton's emails some more, because that's new. So, what does McConnell say? He doesn't support transparency for the Robert Mueller investigation, but does he support investigatin' the Clintons some more, because sure why the fuck not?

What an utter shock.

In summary and in conclusion, these are the three most popular reasons Mitch McConnell can go fuck himself at this current moment in time. They are subject to be replaced with new reasons at any time, because McConnell never ever takes a break from hurting America.

Now it is your OPEN THREAD.

[Talking Points Memo]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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