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The Week In The World's Most Garbagey Man, Donald Trump Jr.

Trump

Donald Trump Jr., the president's first born and likely first indicted, boasts the incompetence and idiocy of Fredo Corleone but without the goodnatured amiability. Movies don't usually feature characters like Trump Jr. because they'd just be two-dimensional assholes, and there's no art in that. We're still searching in fact for Trump Jr.'s second dimension.

This week had several examples of why everyone hates Junior, including his own father and whoever came in contact with him last. It's only Thursday and God knows what he might do tomorrow, but we have only so much space.


Donald Trump Jr. Hates Teachers

Trump Jr. went out in front of the crowd at his father's El Paso hate rally Tuesday and insulted the people who teach our kids how to read and, most importantly, keep them out of our homes for most of the day. This was probably even a scripted remark because Trump Jr. guessed no one at the rally was a teacher or had fond memories of "learning."

TRUMP JR.: I love seeing some young conservatives because I know it's not easy.

It is remarkably easy being a young conservative. The persecution complex of the 21st Century white male is brobdingnagian. Chill out, white dudes, you're gonna be OK!

TRUMP JR.: Keep up that fight. Bring it to your schools. You don't have to be indoctrinated by these loser teachers that are trying to sell you on socialism from birth. You can think for yourselves. They can't.

Yeesh, what did a teacher ever do to Trump Jr.? The ones at his fancy private schools at least regularly cashed the checks his father wrote so he wouldn't flunk his remedial asshole classes. It's a little distasteful for Trump to suggest kids bring the "fight" to "loser teachers." He's co-writing the manifestos of potential school shooters. Today is the anniversary of the senseless yet entirely preventable massacre at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. Three teachers died defending the lives of their students. We can all guess how Trump Jr. would respond in a similar life or death situation. Show some respect.

Conservatives have gotten it into their heads that teachers are "selling" socialism to kids like your former college classmate sells weight-loss supplements on Facebook. If Nancy Reagan did her "Just Say No" push now, the "drug" would be socialism and the "dealers" the teachers who point out that the earth is round and dinosaurs existed.

Donald Trump Jr. Is A Shameless Hypocrite

Minnesota Rep. Ilhan Omar tweeted some anti-Semitic silliness last week, and this shocked and appalled Trump Jr., who is known for his cultural sensitivity. You might recall that Trump Jr. compared Mexicans to animals in a hilarious tweet last month that he quickly deleted. Perhaps a "loser teacher" clued him in on how this was a common anti-Semitic dehumanizing tactic.

Trump insists that "liberal media" went easy on the "obviously anti-Semitic" Omar. If she is branded an anti-Semite forever and always because of one bad tweet, what does that make Junior, who expressed his delight over his father's racist comments about Senator Elizabeth Warren. During the 2016 campaign, Trump Jr. also grossly compared Syrian refugees to Skittles candy. He probably lacks the moral authority to criticize Omar, by which we mean "definitely" and "GTFO."

Donald Trump Jr. Has Never Read The Constitution

Trump Jr. and other conservatives of limited intellectual capacity have argued "TREASON" because former acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe claimed there were talks of possibly removing President Traitor after he allegedly committed a whole bunch of crimes too lengthy to get into right now. Just search our archives.

There is a thing called "the Constitution." Section 4 of the 25th Amendment addresses what to do if the president is incapacitated, unable or -- and this is key -- unwilling to carry out their duties as commander in chief. The process outlined is pretty much exactly what McCabe claims was initiated. It's unclear how Trump Jr. or the other conservatives crying "COUP!" think you can implement the 25th Amendment without actually sitting down and planning something. They probably also assume Christmas celebrations just sort of happen each year, much to their spouses' annoyance.

Man, Trump Jr. really shouldn't have have burned that bridge with all those teachers. He could use their help.

Donald Trump Jr. Is An Idiot About Elections And Everything Else

This morning, Trump Jr. wondered aloud if "swing state" (it's not a swing state) New Mexico would flip from blue to red in 2020, as part of a Trump Tsunami. Hillary Clinton carried the state by 8 points in 2016. Democrats handily won everything available to win in 2018. Why does Trump Jr. think New Mexico is suddenly a battleground? He actually believes the fantasy figures that Trump's campaign manager Brad Parscale shared with gullible people.

We've established that Parscale can't count for shit, so we wouldn't put much stock in his demographic data. If 70 percent of the people attending Trump's stupid rally were actually Hispanic, they would've erected a wall around the stadium.

Donald Trump Jr. Loves The Gays Just This Once

CNN's Jake Tapper joked a few weeks ago that Roger Stone might "like" being in prison. Tapper wasn't referring to Stone's sexuality, which no one regardless of orientation should ever think about. He merely suggested that Stone craved attention and might enjoy martyring himself for the president.

Trump Jr. however joined a lot of conservatives in decrying Tapper as "homophobic." They are Republicans. We find the sudden disgust at perceived homophobic behavior (in this case, nonexistent) a tad insincere when the present administration has a Mike Pence.

Trump Jr. has himself been accused of posting homophobic memes on social media ... like literally a just a few weeks ago, so let the dust settle, dude. He also applauded the Supreme Court decision that allowed a Colorado "Christian" to refuse to bake cakes for gay couples because of his sincerely held beliefs that they are "icky."

Well, that's all the time we have today for this week's installment of "How Much Donald Trump Jr. Sucks." Tune in next week when we're sure he'll suck some more.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.

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