Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things wemay be talking about today.

Trump slut Devin Nunes has been sneaking around the Hill investigating THE DOSSIER in an effort to show the FBI tried to find Hillary Clinton's secret murderous mailman, Ben Ghazi, and ultimately discredit Robert Mueller's search for the Trump pee hooker tape.

Republicans are continuing to drag their feet about protect Robert Mueller's investigation, prompting Mark Warner to issue a dire warning about their dodgy fuckery.

Now that Jerry Nadler has taken over John Conyers's role as the ranking member of the House Judiciary committee, the rumor mill on the Hill is that Democrats are quietly working on impeachment proceedings...just in case.

Now that they sufficiently jerked each other off all over the Hill, Republicans are quietly grumbling over the January legislative session, calling it a "shit sandwich."

Later today the House will try to kick the can of government funding with a bill that excludes defense spending over disaster relief, and now the House Freedom crazies are blubbering with the defense hawks to #SupportOurTroops.

Mitch McConnell is open to leaving the little Messican kids alone as long as Democrats vote for a mutant funding bill next year.

Don't forget to give your payroll department a bottle and/or some decent coffee at the holiday party since the Trump/Ryan tax fuckery will immediately start screwing with paychecks and W-4s, but nobody bothered to ask the Treasury or IRS how businesses are supposed to comply.

Now that the individual mandate has been beaten to death, aides inside Trump's White House are quietly telling reporters that there's no effort to "repeal-and-replace" Obamacare (for now.)

Trump is trying to make the UN an offer it can't refuse and threatening to pull US funding from UN nations that vote against US positions, like moving the US embassy to Jerusalem.

Federal workers aren't exactly jumping to follow Trump's general orders to ban certain words, so they're splashing around in the swamp water and biding their time.

Congress's Office of Compliance keeps trying to block the release of sexual harassment settlement payouts as it "may contain inaccuracies," but Tim Kaine and Amy Klobuchar think that's a bunch of malarkey.

Speculation is growing that Mississippi Republican Thad Cochran may resign as soon as Jan. 1 due to failing health, potentially putting both of Mississippi's Senate seats up for grabs in 2018.

For 15 years VA hospitals have been able to hire doctors with revoked licenses, leading to accusations by one lawmaker that VA hospitals have become a "dumping ground" for doctors who can't work anywhere else.

That VA House race decided by ONE VOTE will now be decided by drawn straws after judges decided to count one more vote for the Republican.

The leader of the "Cornbread Mafia," one of the largest US weed growing operations in history, pleaded guilty in federal court

While you were sleeping, the city of Memphis decided to topple a statue of KKK leader Nathan Bedford Forrest and a statue of Jefferson Davis after the city sold the park land with the statues to a nonprofit for $1,000 Ameros.

A gay hatin' Kentucky judge has been booted from the bench for judicial misconduct after refusing to hear same-sex adoption cases. Bye, Felicia!

A doughnut-obsessed Florida Republican man/state Senator Jack Latvala has "You're Fired" himself amid a public corruption investigation of numerous sexual harassment claims.

Theresa May's deputy had to quit yesterday after a Cabinet Office Investigation found he lied about looking at porn at work. That makes him a bloody wanker, right?

Christmas is effectively canceled in Rome after the capitol Christmas tree died, leading people to call it a 65ft "toilet brush."

US Gymnastics is defending itself against allegations that it paid hush money to US Olympian McKayla Maroney to STFU about a former team doctor's history of grabbing little girls.

Super nerds are blaming cyber attacks from North Korea as the cause of a string of Bitcoin hacks, heists and frauds, including the Dec. 7 and 19 robberies of Youbit and NiceHash.

A former member of the secret cabal of congressional interns editing Wikipedia articles on the Hill is speaking out about how mind-numbingly easy it is.

Tennessee Republican Rep. Marsha Blackburn believes that ISPs should have the power to control and edit content on the Internet, and has long been a proponent of killing net neutrality with Ajit Pai.

ISPs are no longer bothering to deny they won't make Internet fast lanes, now they're simply scrubbing past promises and policies, and dodging the question entirely.

Trump's former SoHo trash palace has been scrubbed of its golden blemishes, but nobody knows who currently owns the building -- so that's what workers are calling it, "The Nobody Knows Hotel." UPDATE: David Fahrenthold says it will be rebranded "Dominick" and staff aren't commenting if guests can steal Trump SoHo bathrobes.

The Never Trumpers are in full revolt now that Trump has assumed control of the GOP, and they're telling stories about being blackballed and silenced about all sorts of sordid stories, like Trump's mob ties.

Wyatt Koch is the poster boy for yacht-rock douchebags leeching off their parents' money. He's going to make a shitload of money off Paul Ryan's tax fuckery, but we can still publicly ridicule and shame his ugly clothing line.

And here's your morning Nice Time! BABY GOATS IN SWEATERS!

We're 100% ad-free because people like you donate/subscribe to help us buy coffee and pay the bills!

Follow Dominic on Twitter and send him your adorable little critters in sweaters!

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

Donate with CC

Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

Donate with CC

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc