The Worst People In The World. Wonkagenda For Thurs., Dec. 21, 2017

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things wemay be talking about today.

Trump slut Devin Nunes has been sneaking around the Hill investigating THE DOSSIER in an effort to show the FBI tried to find Hillary Clinton's secret murderous mailman, Ben Ghazi, and ultimately discredit Robert Mueller's search for the Trump pee hooker tape.

Republicans are continuing to drag their feet about protect Robert Mueller's investigation, prompting Mark Warner to issue a dire warning about their dodgy fuckery.

Now that Jerry Nadler has taken over John Conyers's role as the ranking member of the House Judiciary committee, the rumor mill on the Hill is that Democrats are quietly working on impeachment proceedings...just in case.

Now that they sufficiently jerked each other off all over the Hill, Republicans are quietly grumbling over the January legislative session, calling it a "shit sandwich."

Later today the House will try to kick the can of government funding with a bill that excludes defense spending over disaster relief, and now the House Freedom crazies are blubbering with the defense hawks to #SupportOurTroops.

Mitch McConnell is open to leaving the little Messican kids alone as long as Democrats vote for a mutant funding bill next year.

Don't forget to give your payroll department a bottle and/or some decent coffee at the holiday party since the Trump/Ryan tax fuckery will immediately start screwing with paychecks and W-4s, but nobody bothered to ask the Treasury or IRS how businesses are supposed to comply.

Now that the individual mandate has been beaten to death, aides inside Trump's White House are quietly telling reporters that there's no effort to "repeal-and-replace" Obamacare (for now.)

Trump is trying to make the UN an offer it can't refuse and threatening to pull US funding from UN nations that vote against US positions, like moving the US embassy to Jerusalem.

Federal workers aren't exactly jumping to follow Trump's general orders to ban certain words, so they're splashing around in the swamp water and biding their time.

Congress's Office of Compliance keeps trying to block the release of sexual harassment settlement payouts as it "may contain inaccuracies," but Tim Kaine and Amy Klobuchar think that's a bunch of malarkey.

Speculation is growing that Mississippi Republican Thad Cochran may resign as soon as Jan. 1 due to failing health, potentially putting both of Mississippi's Senate seats up for grabs in 2018.

For 15 years VA hospitals have been able to hire doctors with revoked licenses, leading to accusations by one lawmaker that VA hospitals have become a "dumping ground" for doctors who can't work anywhere else.

That VA House race decided by ONE VOTE will now be decided by drawn straws after judges decided to count one more vote for the Republican.

The leader of the "Cornbread Mafia," one of the largest US weed growing operations in history, pleaded guilty in federal court

While you were sleeping, the city of Memphis decided to topple a statue of KKK leader Nathan Bedford Forrest and a statue of Jefferson Davis after the city sold the park land with the statues to a nonprofit for $1,000 Ameros.

A gay hatin' Kentucky judge has been booted from the bench for judicial misconduct after refusing to hear same-sex adoption cases. Bye, Felicia!

A doughnut-obsessed Florida Republican man/state Senator Jack Latvala has "You're Fired" himself amid a public corruption investigation of numerous sexual harassment claims.

Theresa May's deputy had to quit yesterday after a Cabinet Office Investigation found he lied about looking at porn at work. That makes him a bloody wanker, right?

Christmas is effectively canceled in Rome after the capitol Christmas tree died, leading people to call it a 65ft "toilet brush."

US Gymnastics is defending itself against allegations that it paid hush money to US Olympian McKayla Maroney to STFU about a former team doctor's history of grabbing little girls.

Super nerds are blaming cyber attacks from North Korea as the cause of a string of Bitcoin hacks, heists and frauds, including the Dec. 7 and 19 robberies of Youbit and NiceHash.

A former member of the secret cabal of congressional interns editing Wikipedia articles on the Hill is speaking out about how mind-numbingly easy it is.

Tennessee Republican Rep. Marsha Blackburn believes that ISPs should have the power to control and edit content on the Internet, and has long been a proponent of killing net neutrality with Ajit Pai.

ISPs are no longer bothering to deny they won't make Internet fast lanes, now they're simply scrubbing past promises and policies, and dodging the question entirely.

Trump's former SoHo trash palace has been scrubbed of its golden blemishes, but nobody knows who currently owns the building -- so that's what workers are calling it, "The Nobody Knows Hotel." UPDATE: David Fahrenthold says it will be rebranded "Dominick" and staff aren't commenting if guests can steal Trump SoHo bathrobes.

The Never Trumpers are in full revolt now that Trump has assumed control of the GOP, and they're telling stories about being blackballed and silenced about all sorts of sordid stories, like Trump's mob ties.

Wyatt Koch is the poster boy for yacht-rock douchebags leeching off their parents' money. He's going to make a shitload of money off Paul Ryan's tax fuckery, but we can still publicly ridicule and shame his ugly clothing line.

And here's your morning Nice Time! BABY GOATS IN SWEATERS!

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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