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Good morning, Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today on our slow and lazy semi-holiday Monday.


Ted Cruz and Mike Lee are secretly crafting CruzCare, an arch-conservative version of TrumpCare designed to be steamrolled through the Senate and House, but it's sending heart murmurs around the mumbling moderates who are terrified that it will only exacerbate collapsing insurance markets.

Rand Paul thinks the McConnellCare bill is "a Christmas tree full of billion-dollar ornaments" and failures because only the moderate Republicans are getting their Red Rider BB Guns and the hard-line conservatives keep getting foiled at screwing over all the poors. This fuckin' guy...

Smarmy Trump lawyer Michael Cohen is clutching his ankle holster and tweet machine after Trump kicked him out of his inner circle due to Congressional intel committees cranking up the heat on his involvement in Trump-Russia.

GitMo detainees are getting their faux news from RT thanks to the US military, with one prisoner saying, "It's the only western news we get -- and its from Moscow."

Secret President Steve Bannon is apparently pushing tax cuts increases for the super rich, stating that he wants the top tax bracket to "have a four in front of it," and Gary Cohn is saying he's going to pack his balls and leave if they don't pass any kind of tax reform. Poor baby!

Trump's Cabinet secretaries are schmoozing their employees right before they piss in their beds, and there isn't enough money or staffers to soak up the damage.

Hui Chen, head of the Justice Department's corporate crimes division, has "You're Fired" herself because she doesn't think the Trump administration is allowing her to effectively scrutinize corporations, pursue fraud cases, or make honest commentary on Twitter about how Trump and Co. are doing a shitty job at whatever it is they think they're doing.

The White House Office of Science and Technology Policy has zero employees because fuck science. What's science ever done for us?

Jay Sekulow's kid, Logan, netted $886,000 from his dad's charity after it finished paying for his dad's shitty band and private jet.

Republicans are already getting nervous about their 2020 chances as their polling margins are far too narrow to openly support TrumpCare/McConnellCare/WealthCare.

In a "speech" at the Kennedy Center honoring veterans, Trump praised himself and the "election," and ranted about the war on Christmas because not only is he president, he's a classy motherfucker.

New Jersey's government is shut down due to a budget stalemate led by Chris Christie. Meanwhile, Christie beached himself at a closed-to-the-public beach, because he wouldn't give a fuck even if he had any fucks left to give seeing as how giving a fuck is just a government handout.

Crazy asshole and Maine Gov. Paul LaPage shut down the state government after submitting his budget Friday because he knew it was a shit sandwich that the legislature wouldn't eat.

A new report by the Times details how low-income housing projects are fostering segregation by constructing them in nonwhite areas. There's no joke here, this is happening in major cities across the country and it's not right.

Conservative state legislatures have a problem with their big liberal cities as progressive social policies begin to take root in the tired, huddled masses.

Texas and California have become the breeding ground for conservative and progressive politics as local legislatures pave their own paths to attracting new residents and businesses.

A injured bald eagle was found in South East DC, it is lethargic, unable to fly, and having trouble breathing. The eagle may recover, though the it will likely have life-long complications. Stop calling it a metaphor!

Trump's White House is denying that he's secretly going to the UK to do all the things, and protesters are already getting their snarky signs ready.

The Chinese are telling everyone to GTFO from the South China Sea and stop looking at its big missile that is clearly bigger than your missile, not that we're comparing sizes or anything.

Six Afghani girls were denied visas for the FIRST Global Challenge, an international robotics competition held in DC, because people were worried that their homebrew ball-sorting robot might be dangerous.

Your sexy secret boyfriend Justin Trudeau has been using Trump to push his sexy sex goals, preserving the relationship between the US and Canada. OOOOOHH, Canada!

The fallout from yet another stupid Trump tweet continues to reverberate as White House officials continue to try and walk it off as a flesh wound. It's no surprise the creator is a racist Reddit user.

SCOTUS Chief Justice John Roberts wrote a commencement address wishing bad luck to all the spoiled brats in attendance because failure, according to Roberts, is the best teacher.

Pro-Trump pre-paid Twitter accounts are selling their services to the highest bidder in an effort to capitalize on the gullibility of tech-stupid Republicans.

ICYMI, triple-threat heart throb Josh Groban was schooling Trumpkins on Twitter, even shutting down Sean Hannity while holding up the First Amendment and real journalists.

And here's your late night wrap-up! John Oliver talked about the dastardly bastards at Sinclair who are gobbling up small-town T.V. stations; Bill Maher wants to make America smart again.

And here's your morning Nice Time! SPEEDY KITTIES!

WHAAATT? SPECIAL BONUS NICE TIME!? Hell yeah, it's baby giraffes!

HEY! Give us money and we'll help you not break things with funny 'splainerings of all the newses.

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Lace up your sneakers, Wonkers! Time to hit the streets. MoveOn, the ACLU, MomsRising and all your favorite dirty leftists are getting together for a yuuuuuuuuge march to show that WE ARE A NATION OF DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS WHO DON'T KIDNAP BABIES. And your Wonkette will be there!

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Rudy Giuliani, flapping his loose yap to Politico on Monday:

President Donald Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani said on Monday that he was actually just bluffing last week when he called for Justice Department leaders to suspend special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation within 24 hours.

"I didn't think it would," Giuliani told POLITICO with a laugh when asked about the Mueller inquiry's still being very much an active investigation. "But I still think it should be." [...]

That's what I'm supposed to do," Giuliani explained on Monday. "What am I supposed to say? That they should investigate him forever? Sorry, I'm not a sucker."

Cool, that is just Rudy Giuliani admitting he's full of shit and words and more shit and more words (and also a noun, a verb and 9/11). We are guessing therefore that Giuliani, who is a lawyer, would legally advise us to continue assuming we should take his every oral ejaculation with a gi-normous grain of FULL OF SHIT.

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