The Interns, They Have Returned
It's the middle of May and school is out for the summer, which can only mean one thing: It's Intern Season again in DC. Summer marks the glorious time in DC when young 'uns from far and wide come to the District and wow us with their incredible ability to lick envelopes, file paperwork, answer the phone, and feel extraordinarily powerful because of that nifty badge they get to wear. Interns are going to be everywhere, EVERYWHERE, and as much as you may want to hurt them, you cannot legally hurt them.
You can, however, avoid them by avoiding the following locations -- or, conversely, if you are a summer intern, these are the places where you're required to go, by law:
- Front Page: Year 'round, Front Page is crowded with people you really don't need to associate with, but the bar is at its worst in the summer because interns tend to flock here for the cheap beer and tacos. Interns LOVE cheap tacos.
- Tom Tom and Town Tavern: Adams Morgan will be infested with interns this summer, but both Tom Tom and Town Tavern are notorious for being frequented by squirming masses of interns -- along with young, poor staffers. The alcohol is very affordable here, is what we mean.
- Tortilla Coast, Pour House, Hawk 'n' Dove and most other Hill bars: These are the primary Hill hangouts and they are guaranteed to be overrun with interns during the summer months. Some of the best intern moments are bound to occur at these watering holes, so do drop by if you enjoy pointing/laughing at interns.
- Herpes Triangle: We have no doubt that interns will enjoy Rumors, Sign of the Whale and other bars in the Herpes Triangle, but unless you enjoy your alcohol with an STD on the side, perhaps it's best to leave these bars to the interns, cougars, and other great souls who typically frequent them.
- Nice Restaurants around July 4th and the end of August: Interns don't have money and will probably only eat out at nice places like Bourbon Steak, Proof, Birch and Barley and 1789 when their parents come to town for the holidays and/or when they come to help them move home at the end of summer. Be wary if you choose to eat out during these prime parent/intern times.
- Escalators: Despite having a college education, most interns are incapable of figuring out which side to stand on while on an escalator. To avoid unnecessary heartache, just plan on taking the elevator all summer long.
Intern Season can be something to look forward to, as long as you enjoy watching eager youngsters screw everything up. Just please don't use this list to plan your attempts to actually screw interns.