PLACE: White House residence, probably on the pooper.

TIME: Almost 1 a.m.

Donald Trump is awake and working very hard. ( You betcha.) But he has become upset and is having a temper tantrum, a fuss, a meltdown, he needs his diaper changed (allegedly!), he's showing out, he's having a fit, an outburst, a flare-up, a DERRING-DO, and there is orange spray tan just everywhere and it is staining all the curtains.

What has gotten the president so upset?

The president has seen a political ad that hurts his feelings. How did he see it? Well, it played during Tucker.



As you can see, the ad is causing him to lash out and call Kellyanne Conway's husband "Moonface" and seemingly maybe accuse Kellyanne Conway of beating him. (I DON'T KNOW WHAT KELLYANNE DID TO HER DERANGED LOSER HUSBAND MOONFACE TO MAKE HIM LIKE THIS!) And it is causing him to deploy the hot verbal knives toward Evan McMullin, wounding him probably mortally, by calling him "McMuffin." LOSERS, ALL OF THEM! LOSERS! DEFINITELY BIGGER LOSERS THAN DONALD TRUMP, WHO IS RAAAAAAAAAAGING ON TWITTER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHILE NORMAL PEOPLE ARE SLEEPING OR WATCHING NETFLIX AND NOT ON TWITTER RAAAAAAAAGING.

There is this group of Never-Trumper Republicans who have formed a super PAC called the Lincoln Project, and they are Rick Wilson, Steve Schmidt, George Conway and a handful of others. They made an ad called "Mourning In America," GET IT? It is a play on words on the whole Ronald Reagan "morning in America" thing, except for Donald Trump it's "mourning," because of how in Trump's America, everyone dies. (Trump probably doesn't understand the play on words, due to stupid.)

It is this ad, it hurts Donald Trump's feelings and pierces through his fragile skin like murder hornet most foul. Please do not watch.

Mourning in America www.youtube.com


What's funny is that probably not that many people would have seen this ad, had Trump not been so very triggered by it and soiled his panties during his Twitter After Dark time. A lot of people think "Never-Trumper" and they just kind of start doing jerk-off motions in their head. But now everyone will see it. Can Trump ever stop winning, even for a second?

McMuffin, who is not even one of the founders of the Lincoln Project, seems to have recovered from Trump's devastating name-calling, and is gently encouraging the president this morning to try a new thing, like maybe not letting 10,000 more Americans die on his watch every week:

Moonface has somehow also survived the attack.

We've checked the Twitter feeds of the other co-founders of the Lincoln Project, a quick wellness check if you will, and they all seem to be LOLing this morning, including "Reed Galvin," whose name is actually Reed Galen, but who seems to be adjusting to his new name just fine:

Meanwhile, you might be wondering if Trump was still just blubbering like a goddamned baby about the ad this morning, or if the light of a new day served to lick his wounds for him. It is always the first thing, never the second one:

The president tore into the group again Tuesday morning in remarks to reporters at Joint Base Andrews, calling George Conway a "stone-cold loser" and boasting that "every one of them I either defeated or they lost by themselves."

"They should not call it The Lincoln Project. It's not fair to Abraham Lincoln, a great president," Trump said. "They should call it the losers project."

And now Donald Trump's entire week is RUINT.

Trump has now spent more hours agonizing over this political ad what hurt his feelings than he has over the almost 70,000 — 69,680 at this exact second, it'll be at 70,000 in mere moments — Americans who have died of COVID-19.

You shouldn't watch the ad, it makes Donald Trump cry.

SERIOUSLY! You shouldn't watch it, it makes Donald Trump's blood pressure spike, and you just hate that.

It does bad things to Donald Trump's brain, haha, Donald Trump doesn't have a brain, allegedly.

Seriously, you guys, stop watching it, if you watch the ad, it'll make Donald Trump do the bad hind leaks in his underwears, allegedly, and then new chief of staff Mark Meadows (who reportedly cries at work) will have to stop what he's doing to change the president's underwears AGAIN, allegedly.

OK fine, but if you watch it, just know that you are endangering the well-being of America's weakest president ever. Up to you.

The end.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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