This DOES Sound Like Matt Gaetz!
When we were covering the confirmation of accused boofing sexual predator Brett Kavanaugh to a lifetime position on the Supreme Court, we realized one of the reasons we absolutely believed the women, part of why their stories were so absofuckinglutely believable, was because, as a person who also went to private schools, we know that guy.
Yes, this post is about GOP Rep. Matt Gaetz, but give us a second.
At the time, we wrote about our realization about which guy Brett Kavanaugh was, at his private high school and in college:
You see, we think we have figured out which drunk rich asshole white guy Brett Kavanaugh was in high school. He wasn't one of the guys who was "popular" in the sense of all the girls had crushes on him (and some of the guys too!) and wanted to go necking with him at Boner Cove even on school nights. That was Trevor and Rob and Johnny, and they were #dreamy and Johnny had a Camaro and your mom said Johnny was a total Eddie Haskell but even your mom acknowledged that Johnny was pretty cute.
Kavanaugh, we are guessing, was "popular" in that he was a partier and he spent a lot of time with his "bros," and they probably jacked off in a big circle in their parents' basements only sometimes. They had access to drugs and Natty Light, but secretly, deep down, they were incredibly jealous of Trevor and Rob and Johnny and Johnny's Camaro, because what makes those guys so great anyway? GRANTED, Trevor's ass is perfect and Rob's eyes can make any human melt and Johnny has that Camaro (and is hung like a wild horse), but NO FAIR, WHY THEY GET ALL THE GIRLS? Anyway, we are just saying Brett Kavanaugh's friend group was probably the type that knew where to buy GHB before anybody else at school even knew what that was.
We don't know if Matt Gaetz ever had a claim to even that sort of popularity in school, but it's possible. Like Kavanaugh, his head is misshapen, and his face gives off a certain whiff of desperation. Consider:
Another example of that guy? Donald Trump Jr., who allegedly used to drunkenly piss himself silly during college, to the point that he earned the nickname "Diaper Don."
Also the badly shaped head thing.
Anyway, the Matt Gaetz story we are about to tell you reminded us of Brett Kavanaugh, and also Donald Trump Jr., and not just because, like Kavanaugh and Junior, Gaetz has been known for being LI'L BIT DRINKY DRINKY in his time, in a particularly douchey and unfuckable way.
Gaetz was fighting with a Republican Florida state rep named Chris Latvala on Twitter this week -- totally normal -- because Latvala had the audacity to take a meeting with Al Sharpton, a well-known lib:
Gaetz did not like that, not one bit.
So Latvala, who obviously does not like Gaetz very much despite how they are both members of the Grand Old Party, just skipped the niceties and went for it, saying that when Gaetz was a Florida state rep, he "created a game where members of the FL House got 'points' for sleeping with aides, interns, lobbyists, and married legislators." How very sexxxxxy, like Matt Gaetz's unnaturally large head!
Oh my god. Have you ever heard anything more on brand for Matt Gaetz? Can you not also imagine Brett Kavanaugh creating that game, in high school, not that we are saying he did?
The South Florida Sun-Sentinel notes that the Latvalas and the Gaetzes, both longtime political families in Florida, haaaaaaaate each other. Of course, that has nothing to do with whether Latvala's accusation is true or not. Gaetz said it is not, while also making zings at Chris Latvala's dad:
Gaetz, in a Tuesday text to the Tampa Bay Times, said he had "no idea what Chris was talking about" before referencing Latvala's father.
"I know Jack Latvala has to resign in disgrace over demanding sexual favors from lobbyists in exchange for appropriations, so it was likely Chris projecting," Gaetz told the Times. "I don't start conversations with people on Twitter about their sex lives. Especially Latvalas."
On the other hand, Marc Caputo tweeted way back in 2013 about just such a game in the Florida lege, without naming Gaetz:
The Twitter fight continued with more zings from Gaetz about "DON'T CALL ME DADDY!" or something, to which Latvala made a comment about Gaetz maybe drunk-tweeting all this:
That's a United States congressman, everyone! So very classy.
We suppose it is possible that Chris Latvala is making all this up, but our gut says otherwise.
Of course, what's funny is that we are just guessing that if Gaetz made up the game and played the game and if he had any "points" for doing nookie on his scoreboard at all, it was 100 percent lies meant to impress his cool bro friends in the Florida lege.
You know, like Squi and Tobin or whatever their names were.
Oh wait, those were Brett Kavanaugh's friends.
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