This Election Tried To Kill Us, But We Are Not Dead We Don't Think
Oh hello. It is November 8, 2016, and we don't know how we made it to this day, now that US America is finally going out to exercise its right to vote for president and also Senate seats and maybe even dogcatcher, we dunno, we Christmas Treed the local stuff on our ballot. (NO WE DID NOT, WE ARE KIDDING.) But here we are! By the end of tonight, or maybe sometime next year, we will know who will take the keys to Air Force One from Barack Obama. Will it be Hillary Clinton? YES IT WILL, as long as you dingleberries get out there and vote for her.
We had been a full-timer at Wonkette for about eight and a half seconds when Ted Cruz ruined the nice thing we had going, by announcing he was running for president on March 23, 2015. That opened the floodgates, as approximately 64,739 other Republicans decided running for president looked way fun, including Donald J. Trump, a man who started as a joke candidate, and who is now a joke candidate who inexplicably became the Republican nominee for president and could actually be elected if people don't GO VOTE RIGHT NOW.
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/606144/coward-donald-trump-goes-to-mexico-too-big-a-pussy-to-demand-payment-for-his-wall"></a>[/wonkbar]Oh wait, it's not "inexplicably" -- we can "explicably" this just fine! You see, no matter how bigoted and racist Trump's opponents were, he was MORE bigoted and racist. He started his campaign by calling Mexicans a bunch of rapists, for god's sake! And when the other Republicans would occasionally try to say the hatred that defined Trump's campaign was no bueno, like Jeb Bush always did, they would just lose even harder than they were losing before, because, for enough of the Republican base, Trump's disgusting behavior was exactly what they had been waiting for. Build a wall!Deport the Muslims! Defeat the worldwide Jew-spiracy! Put the journalists in a pen and viciously mock them! Hell, the story of the GOP side of this campaign is that they were so busy hating so many minorities that they mostly forgot to hate fags, except for when the Supreme Court decided to gay the entire nation right in the middle of primary season.
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/599974/donald-trump-rules-out-banging-ted-cruzs-uggo-wife-ew-yuck"></a>[/wonkbar]One by one, Trump beat all his opponents. He insulted Carly Fiorina's face, and then he beat her. He beat Little Marco Rubio and sent Jeb Bush crying in Spanish to his disappointed mother. He vanquished Rand Paul and Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee and Bobby Jindal early on, because they are pathetic twats. He tweeted how fugly Ted Cruz's wife was, insinuated that Cruz's dad murdered JFK, and then he beat the shit out of him in the primary, which is fine, because Everybody Hates Ted Cruz.
Anyway, the Republican primary attempted to murder us dead, but it did not succeed because WHAT UP, WE ARE NOT A DEAD PERSON BLOGGING YOU RIGHT NOW.
On the Democratic side, there was a lady named Hillary Clinton and a guy named Bernie Sanders, and they had a nice primary and nobody insulted anybody and once Hillary was chosen as the winner, everybody shut up about it and rallied around her immediately, and the Democratic Party lived happily ever after in a luscious valley filled with candy canes and blow jobs and good will. No, seriously, that's what happened and if you remember it differently, you must be a pretty Forgetful Frank!
Just kidding, it was a REALLY NASTY Democratic primary, but now all the Sanders supporters are following their candidate's lead and voting for her, except for a few Sanders supporters who are dicks. We tried to stay above the fray here at Ye Olde Wonkette, as our staff was about half and half when it came to whom we were supporting. PERSONALLY, we were totally #InTheTank for Hillary and wanted to get the damn primary over with. But UGH, it almost killed us. However, it seems we are not dead right now, so good try, Democratic primary!
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/607271/breaking-jill-stein-idiot"></a>[/wonkbar](SIDENOTE: At various points throughout the election season, we have vague memories of something called a "Jill Stein" who was a third party idiot, but we might have hallucinated that. Oh, and Gary Johnson? Was he a thing? Evan McMullin, the Mormon spoiler from Mormontown? Meh, we could Google these people, but we don't really feel like it.)
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/607746/her-name-is-hillary-clinton-madame-president-if-youre-nasty"></a>[/wonkbar]But then it was time for the general election! There was a GRRRR ARGH Republican National Convention in Cleveland, and there was a happy nice time Democratic Convention in Philadelphia, and then Donald Trump figured he should attack a nice Muslim Gold Star family for two or eleven weeks, we don't remember.
And debates! There were debates! Hillary Clinton won all of them handily, even though there was a predatory pervert breathing at her face that she was "wrong!" and a liar and crooked NASTY WOMAN.
Buy your own copy of this t-shirt and tote bag and coffee mug RIGHT HERE!
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/608251/radicalized-fbi-sleeper-cell-probably-led-by-rudy-giuliani"></a>[/wonkbar]The debates weren't over yet when Cocktober began in earnest. Grab them by the pussy! The FBI and Russia interfering with the election to try to get the pussy-grabber in office! Anthony Weiner!Wikileaks! COCKTOBER WAS THE WORST AND IT TRIED TO KILL US! But we made it through it, as you can see, because it is now Cock-vember.
Oh, did we forget to mention that, since the election lasted over three hundred years, many other awful news things happened that weren't specifically related to the presidential race, things that caused Donald Trump and his former GOP opponents to be the worst? The Paris terror attacks, the horrific and ongoing Syrian refugee crisis, all the mass shootings, just really awful stuff. Even worse, throughout the entire campaign, Hillary Clinton was doing Benghazi with her emails!
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/595254/what-the-benghazi-hearing-taught-us-republicans-are-dicks-hillary-already-president"></a>[/wonkbar]Speaking of, do we all remember the day Hillz had to testify for
FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN ELEVEN GODDAMN HOURS before the House Select Committee on Benghazi, which turned up no information and only made her look presidential as fuck?
All of these things and more -- and by "more" we mean whatever memories of this election we have already repressed -- tried to kill us dead, but NOT A FUCKING ONE SUCCEEDED, because HEY-O LOOK AT US BEING AMONG THE LIVING!
Monday night in Philadelphia, Hillary Clinton said, "I regret deeply how angry the tone of the campaign became," and somebody in the crowd screamed "NOT YOUR FAULT!"
Whoever said "not your fault", please step forward so we can give you an award! pic.twitter.com/Lm9VGVARDB
— T. R. Ramachandran (@yottapoint) November 8, 2016
Truly, that person is correct. It is NOT Hillary Clinton's fault that this historic election season was nasty and disgusting and tried to literally murder everybody. Hell, it TRIED to murder her, but OH LOOK SHE'S STILL STANDING, YOU FUCKS, and she is fabulous.
She's got this
In summary, Hillary is alive and you are alive and we are alive, also too, and we are going to have a REALLY GOOD DAY TODAY.
Now let's go win a damn election.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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