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Pop Quiz, Wonkers! Let's see who did the homework and who's a lazy slacker. Ready?

For 10,000 Wonkette No Prize Points: Who can bring a criminal complaint?

  1. The Grand Marshall of the Supreme Court
  2. Dr. Chucklehead, PhD and Loony Lawyer, Attorney at Law, Esq.
  3. Sovereign citizens
  4. Undocumented immigrants with ebola, THANKS OBAMA!
  5. None of the above

The answer is E, GTFOH, JEROME CORSI, ONLY PROSECUTORS CAN BRING CRIMINAL COMPLAINTS! Everyone else is entitled to write a letter airing their grievances like Festivus morning. And the Department of Justice is entitled to throw it in the fireplace, like a wad of crumpled wrapping paper. Which is undoubtedly what will happen to the 78-page manifesto Jerome Corsi and his superlawyer Larry Klayman dropped on the DOJ yesterday in an unsubtle effort to provide Matthew Whitaker with a pretext to stick a shiv in the Mueller investigation. This is not a criminal complaint, although it is based on one. As methane is based on cows.

It starts off with a reminder of the failed 2004 Senate run by the esteemed and "distinguished" counsel for the complainant. As one does.


Larry Klayman is sworn to mete out justice to all enemies of the one true faith!

To make a very long, very stupid story short (but still stupid), Corsi and Klayman are alleging prosecutorial misconduct and witness tampering because the Mueller team offered Dr. Corsi, Ph.D., a plea deal where he would admit to lying to federal prosecutors about his communications with Roger Stone in exchange for no jail time. See, even though everything he told them was nonsense, he (cough, cough) believed it was true when he said it, so the Special Counsel must now go to Gitmo for forcing Jerome Corsi to commit perjury most dreadful. 'Mmkay?

Dr. Corsi has been criminally threatened and coerced to tell a lie and call it the truth. Dr. Corsi refuses to lie. He has stated publicly that he will not one day stand before God having lied; nor will he participate in a slow-motion coup against the president that would be to the detriment of his nation and the next generations by lying. And if he avoids a charge of lying by lying, he could never be confident that his constitutional and other legal rights will again be compromised, as apparently has already occurred with other subjects and targets of Special Counsel Mueller's run-a-way and politically motived investigation

Superfans will remember that Corsi deleted all his old emails and then swore to prosecutors that, when Roger Stone approached him about Julian Assange, he said, OH MY STARS AND GARTERS, I COULD NEVER PARTICIPATE IN ANY POTENTIALLY ILLEGAL ACTIVITIES!

But what he'd actually said was ROCK'N'ROLL, BRUH! ASSANGE HAS PODESTA'S SHIT AND HE'S DUMPING IT IN OCTOBER. LET'S START SAYING HILLARY HAS LEPROSY AND THE CLAP.

At first Jerome Corsi misremembered a totally fictitious cover story that exonerated him. But then the someone found his old emails and proved he was full of shit, so he amended his earlier testimony. So the Department of Justice must immediately do LOCK HER UPS to Mueller for suborning perjury. You bet!

He told them it was true, and they didn't believe him, therefore they are making false statements and doing the frauds, because Jerome Corsi is as good as his very word. Summon the constabulary posthaste, my good sir!

Also, Mueller must go directly to jail for being such a blabbermouth. Were you under the impression that SCO spokesman Peter Carr never tells no one nothing? Well how can you explain that everyone knows what Donald Trump is telling him, then, huh? Can't be Rudy Giuliani, that guy is the very definition of judicious and discreet!

In fact, just about every news media outlet has known exactly what Special Counsel Mueller and his compromised staff is doing on a daily basis:

The letter Mueller is reviewing was drafted by Trump along with policy adviser Stephen Miller, and legal experts say it is possibly the most critical piece of evidence in Mueller's obstruction-of-justice case since Comey's testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee in June, because it can give prosecutors a direct window into Trump's thinking shortly before he fired Comey.

Sonam Sheth, "Mueller's investigation just got a boost — and another Trump associate may be inits crosshairs," Business Insider, September 2, 2017, available at:https://finance.yahoo.com/news/muellers-investigat....

UH HUH.

There is so, so much bullshit about witness intimidation, prosecutorial misconduct, phantom conflicts of interest because one of the prosecutors represented the Clinton Foundation (which is obviously trying to assassinate Jerome Corsi with perjury), and coercing poor Dr. Corsi to make false statements -- because the plea deal would be sealed, forcing Corsi to delay reporting his perjury charge to FINRA, which regulates his securities license. Which raises the question, who in their right mind would take investment advice from Jerome "Swift Boat" "Birther" "Obama Gay" "Pizzagate" "QAnon" Corsi?

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

Oh, Larry Klayman, you do not disappoint! Book 'em, boys. This is a citizens arrest. Mister Mueller, you're being charged with treason for plotting a coup against President Trump.

CHECK PLEASE! That's about all we can take of this shit. We're heading home now to huff some glue, but please peruse this important document at your leisure courtesy of the nice people at Law & Crime. You won't find it on PACER, because it's not a goddamned criminal complaint!

Corsi Complaint by on Scribd

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Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Well, goddamn it, a wonderful person we'd never heard of until last night is dead. Lyra McKee was 29, an investigative journalist who specialized in looking at the legacy of "the Troubles" in Northern Ireland. She was murdered by someone shooting at police during rioting in Derry, or perhaps Londonderry, depending on who you want to piss off by using either name for the city. The rioting broke out after police "started carrying out searches in the area because of concerns that militant republicans were storing firearms and explosives" in advance of attacks planned to mark the anniversary of the 1916 Easter Rising. Police are blaming the violence and McKee's death on the "New Irish Republican Army," a radical republican group formed a few years ago from several smaller groups. Despite the name, the group has no ties to the old Provisional Irish Republican Army, which renounced violence and disarmed in 2005 following the 1998 Good Friday Agreement, which was supposed to have brought peace to Northern Ireland, and kind of did, at least much of the time.

McKee is being remembered by colleagues and readers as a promising journalist who was expected to go far. A year ago, McKee signed a two-book deal with Faber & Faber; the first of the books, The Lost Boys, an investigation of eight young men who disappeared in Belfast during the Troubles in the '60s and '70s, will be published next year. A 2016 Forbes profile said "McKee's passion is to dig into topics that others don't care about." For instance, CNN reports, McKee spent five years investigating a story about the only rape crisis center in Northern Ireland and its long struggle to regain funding after the government eliminated it.

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