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LISTEN TO THIS MAN.


We were just about to tell you that HOORAY, special counsel Robert Mueller is finally looking at Cambridge Analytica, the creepy weird data firm co-owned by GOP megadonors The Mercers, which worked for the Trump campaign, had Steve Bannon on its board, and which we've always suspected was doing illegal horse puckey on the internet and inside Trump-loving dildo-wits' brains (and maybe more), to help Russia steal the election for Donald Trump. (Call it a hunch we have been having since the very beginning.) Remember how we just found out CA tried to help Russian intelligence front WikiLeaks find the mythological "33,000 deleted Hillary emails" and really wanted to help WikiLeaks find a better way to organize all the Russian-hacked Hillary and DNC emails it was releasing? Yeah. We are sure that is the only thing they did, and didn't, just to make up a hypothetical completely hypothetically, receive stolen voter data from Russia's Alfa-Bank as laundered through Betsy DeVos's Spectrum Health and the Trump Organization in order to direct dark Facebook posts to your more persuadable Jill Stein voters. Hypothetically. YOU BETCHA.

So that means Robert Mueller is getting OMG close, or that he was getting OMG close a few months ago when he started requesting email records from Cambridge Analytica. (By the by, CA chief Alexander Nix also interviewed with the House Intel Committee on Thursday, according to the Wall Street Journal.)

We were going to tell you all those things. (Or maybe we JUST DID and if you want to know more information you should click the clicky above like a common clicky clicker who clicks clickies.)

But instead we must redirect your attention to the tweeting newsfeed of Rep. Adam Schiff, ranking member on the House Intelligence Committee, who has been one of the absolute HEROES of trying to save American democracy from the band of Russian intelligence asset thugs who currently control the US and A. Schiff is hitting the "OH FUCK!" button, and his warnings are that he thinks the Mueller investigation is in more danger than we even knew, and also that he thinks the GOP dumpster fires who run his committee (Devin Nunes, Mike Conaway, Trey Gowdy) are going to shut down their investigation, such as it is, by the New Year.

Read, get freaked out, get ready to take to the streets, and also IF DONALD TRUMP AND THESE MOTHERFUCKERS RUIN CHRISTMAS, WE ARE GONNA BE PISSSSSSSSSSED.

Over to Schiff:

IF WONKETTE MAY CUT IN TO PROVIDE CONTEXT:

Schiff is talking about an interview with Rhona Graff, Donald Trump's longtime Trump Organization personal assistant, who has a reputation for being the person in Trump's orbit, more than anyone, who probably knows where all the bodies are buried, because Everything Goes Through Rhona. He is also talking about an interview with Russian-American creepo criminal businessman Felix Sater, who has done much business with Trump, and who has openly bragged about using the (failed) Moscow Trump Tower deal as a quid pro quo for Russia stealing the White House for Trump. (For more, read our post about Is This Weird-Ass Moscow Trump Tower Thing The Key To The Whole Damn Trump-Russia Conspiracy?)

These are KIND OF IMPORTANT witnesses that the GOP leadership of the committee has just for no reason decided shouldn't have to come to Washington to be interviewed by actual members of Congress. Instead, they're just sending staffers, because fuck it why not, it's not like they are patriots. (We also continue to suspect Russia has something DIRTY on Devin Nunes, because if anybody's resting face says "I can has Russian pee hooker pee all over my mouth too?" it's his.)

Back to Schiff:

What did we say above about taking to the streets if Trump ruins Christmas, even more than Christmas was already going to be ruined because a festering anal scab such as himself is the actual president of the United States?

It's looking more likely than ever that we will have to do that, and thank heavens, a solid majority of the American public supports the Mueller investigation and loves America and is pretty sure Donald Trump is a pig and a common fucking criminal, so GOD BLESS US EVERYFUCKING ONE, LET'S GO SAVE CHRISTMAS.

(Or "holiday," if you are one of those liberals who hates the baby Jesus.)

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Are you a good Wonker who sends us money by Amazon? Well not anymore you're not, because Amazon done fucked our payment system. Would you be so great as to re-sign with Paypal or Stripe? K we love you bye. (All you others can too.)

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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