This Is Your Brain On Rudy
Rudy Giuliani is the real whistleblower! Just ask him, he'll tell you.
"I'm the real whistleblower," he screamed to Politico, "If I get killed now, you won't get the rest of the story." Hours earlier he barked at The Atlantic's Elaina Plott, "If this guy is a whistle-blower, then I'm a whistle-blower too." Then he went back on Laura Ingraham's Conspiracy Laundrette to uhhhh ... who the hell knows what's happening here.
The president's personal lawyer went on to show screenshots of his texts with Special Representative to Ukraine Kurt Volker. Which is a weird flex for a guy who spent years screaming that Hillary Clinton had to be LOCK HER UPPED because she stored official communications offsite, but Rudy's got his reasons. Namely, he wants to make goddamn sure that everyone in America knows that he was on an official government mission to get the Ukrainians to prosecute Joe Biden, not just freelancing. And if he has to murder every pixel in America to do it, so be it!
We think Rudy is trying to discredit the whistleblower's claims that the State Department was working to "contain the damage" from Rudy's Ukraine fuckery, because all the attaboys from Volker and EU Ambassador Gordon Sondland are SCIENCE PROOF that he was working hand in glove with the Foggy Bottom Boys.
Leave aside for the moment the questionable value of a law school recommendation from a demented, old has-been who believes that hearsay rules apply to congressional proceedings and has apparently forgotten the admission against interest, party opponent, and business records exceptions to the hearsay rule. This is an unorthodox way to defend your client against charges that he coopted the levers of the federal government to orchestrate a smear against his political opponent. Although perhaps we are just incapable of grasping the fifty-dimensional chess game afoot here. Unlike Rudy, who is A HERO. Just ask him!
"It is impossible that the whistle-blower is a hero and I'm not. And I will be the hero! These morons—when this is over, I will be the hero," Giuliani shrieked to The Atlantic.
There are a dozen excellent articles out today about Rudy's insane Ukrainian adventures and how we got to a point where the president of the United States believes the most gobbledygook insane 4chan hoaxes about Ukraine having the DNC server and NO RUSSIA! NO RUSSIA! UKRAINE IS THE REAL RUSSIA! But it all basically boils down to competing Ukrainian political factions jockeying for position by trying to get in good with the country's most important ally. And while America's career national security and diplomatic people could navigate the waters in a country rife with bribery, corruption, poisonings and forgery where the winning party often throws the losers in jail, addle-pated teevee lawyers like Rudy were easy marks.
Here's the origin story of the Ukrainium One scam, per Politico:
The scandal unfolding this week in Washington can be traced back to November, when a private investigator approached Rudy Giuliani claiming to have information about Ukrainian interference in the 2016 election, according to an account provided by the former New York mayor.
Giuliani declined to give POLITICO the name of the investigator but said he was an American citizen, the head of "a very, very large investigative agency," and a former colleague of Giuliani's at the U.S. attorney's office in the Southern District of New York. Giuliani said the investigator approached him on behalf of a client who wanted to relay damning allegations he had heard.
Oh, really, the New York Field Office? The guys who were leaking to Rudes about Hillary Clinton's emails and trying to gin up an investigation into the Clinton Foundation based on lies they wished were true from Peter Schweizer's Clinton Cash? Shocker that!
And Rudy, who was by then making his living grabbing cash from very bad men across the globe, was only too delighted to hop on that crazy train if the destination was Biden Goes Down Town. The entire Western world wanted corrupt Ukrainian prosecutor Viktor Shokin removed, but if Shokin would say that the real reason he got booted was to help Hunter Biden, then Rudy was happy to believe it.
"A large number of prosecutors in Ukraine, a lot of them could be considered corrupt," Giuliani told Politico, justifying his Skype chats with the disgraced former prosecutor. "I'm not going to tell you that Shokin wasn't corrupt, that he didn't take bribes here and there, but he wasn't good at it." He went on to explain that somebody actually competent at corruption would be rich by now, so Shokin must have been a lousy criminal, and thus a credible source.
If the replacement prosecutor Yuri Lutsenko (not an actual lawyer, possibly an actual torturer) was willing to fabricate charges against the US Ambassador to Ukraine, charges he later retracted, Giuliani was happy to believe it as long as Lutsenko made noises about prosecuting Biden. And when he stopped making those noises, Giuliani furiously accused him of flipping to protect the former Ukrainian president. If the (then) US Ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch was blocking visas for the shady characters feeding him the lies about Biden, then she must be IN ON IT, and he used his contacts to get the State Department to fire her. And if anti-corruption groups produced evidence against Paul Manafort during the campaign, then they must be puppets of George Soros.
NONE OF THIS IS TRUE, no matter how hard John Solomon thrusts his stubby little editorials into that chicken. But if all you watched was Fox News, or if Breitbart was your primary news source, you might well believe it. Steve Bannon and Peter Schweizer clearly know the whole thing is a con, but Rudy and Donald fell for it, hook, line, and sinker. And now, they're going to pull Mike Pompeo, and Mike Pence, and God knows who else down with 'em. Because those craven little whores, those heat-seeking missiles for Trump's ass, weren't strong enough to stand up and say NO. Pompeo knew the Biden scam was bullshit, but he still lent the resources of the State Department to Rudy's Ukrainian adventurism. Pence knew that Trump wasn't withholding the funds for Ukraine because he was deeply concerned about corruption, but he still delivered the message. They all knew this was a shakedown, and they all went along with it anyway.
AND NOW, THEY'RE FUCKED. Thanks, Roger!
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.