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Good morning, Wonkers! The White House Crazy Meter is up at 11 this morning, with Commander Twitterfingers hopping on the Obamaphone at 6:30 to let the people know HE'S STILL FUCKBONKERS INSANE. It's his signature cocktail of ignorance, lies, and narcissism, with a soupçon of random punctuation to tease the palate, so drink up!

Careful now, that stuff is strong. Two or three can knock you off your feet if you haven't built up a tolerance.

In all seriousness though, what is this shit? Is "he" using quotation marks around "I" because he fell on his "head"? And why is he pointing to the Gillespie and Moore losses as proof of his own political acumen?

He recorded robocalls for Gillespie and Moore because he knew they were going to lose? But we should definitely believe him now when he says that Republicans are going to "do well in 2018, very well!" Ummmm, okay.

Via RealClearPolitics.com

Meanwhile back on Planet Earth, we seem to remember one or two stories on the Georgia and Montana special elections, even in the lamestream media. But we're sure Democratic Congressman Jimmy Gomez appreciates the opportunity to remind the country that he won the special election in California's 34th District in June.

Gomez replaced Xavier Becerra, a Democrat who vacated the seat to become California's Attorney General. Thanks to gerrymandering and political sorting, most congressional districts are safe seats. Which is why when the Trump administration tapped Mike Pompeo, Ryan Zinke, Mick Mulvaney and Tom Price, they were replaced by Republicans. Ditto Jason Chaffetz, who went off to make porn vitamins or something. What kind of idiot would look at these special elections and interpret it as a sign Republicans are going to romp in the 2018 midterms?

Oh, right! A guy who thinks that "Congress" doesn't include the Senate, where Jeff Sessions's old seat just flipped to a Democrat in the most conservative state in the country. Maybe he should watch this School House Rock video on the three branches of government. (Hint: Poppy, you're the one sitting at the desk actually working, no golf club or MAGA hat in sight!)

As for the shoutout to Fox and Friends, we were initially stumped. We turned to Matthew Gertz, who watches Fox in the mornings so that the rest of the country can understand what the old Dotard is tweeting about. God bless him for his service!

So we can expect that segment tomorrow. Right now, though, they've got important breaking news to cover.

AND IT'S ONLY MONDAY!

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Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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