This Year's CPAC Doesn't Sound Like Very Schlappin' Good Time To Us

Right Wing Extremism
This Year's CPAC Doesn't Sound Like Very Schlappin' Good Time To Us

Did you all even know it was CPAC? Have you even put up your CPAC tree?

Yeah, from everything we are reading, nobody knew. Charlie Sykes quotes a Republican operative, who reportedly told NBC News, "Someone said to me, ‘We all wanted an excuse not to go, and [Matt] Schlapp gave it to us’.” Wait, what did Matt Schlapp give them?

Oh yeah. That's right. That old scandal. "The Pummel In The Junkle," we think they're calling it. ALLEGEDLY.

J/K we just made up "Pummel In The Junkle" and now we will never stop laughing at our own joke.

Is 'Schlapp Around And Find Out' A Good Pun For Matt Schlapp Getting Sued For Alleged Junk-Pummeling?

Go anywhere on the internet right now, and you're liable to find either pornography AND/OR people talking about how CPAC is gonna suck donkey dick this year because nobody's going AND/OR Matt Schlapp bitching that it's other people's fault and not his.

Who's behind the allegations against him? "Fake journalists."

“Fake journalists,” Schlapp said in a recent interview, are “pushing this leftist agenda and lying, and I'm a victim of that, right? This media will take any charge and run with it if they can destroy a Republican or a Trump supporter or conservative. That’s what we have in this country.”

Yeah, yep, you betcha. They all have allegations that they groped male Herschel Walker campaign staffers, that's what the media says about all the Republicans and Trump supporters.

Fox News is paying zero attention to CPAC this year. The Daily Beast notes that Schlapp, whom Fox is also ignoring personally, is having to really swim around in the fever dumps of rightwing media to find attention for CPAC. And everybody who's anybody is skipping it, sounds like.

Ron DeSantis? Not marching his sexy thigh-high platform Ugg construction boots to CPAC.

Mike Pence? Not borrowing Ron DeSantis's sexy thigh-high platform Ugg construction boots to march to CPAC.

Kevin McCarthy? Not borrowing Ron DeSantis's ... you get it.

Mitch McConnell? LOL obviously not.

Donald Trump: ATTENDING.

Nikki Haley: ATTENDING.


Way to scrape the bottom of the barrel, Schlappy Schquirrel.

Have the weekend you deserve, Matt Schlapp.


Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here!

And once that doesn't exist, I'm also giving things a go at the Mastodon ( and at Post!

Have you heard that Wonkette DOES NOT EXIST without your donations? Please hear it now, and if you have ever enjoyed a Wonkette article, throw us some bucks, or better yet, SUBSCRIBE!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc