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Thursdays with Tina: Back on Friday Edition

Wonkette's weekly service to our readers: Translating Tina Brown's Thursday column in the Washington Post. We understand it so that you don't have to.




Tina saysTina means
If you hoped to get away from the U.S. political campaign this summer by going to London, forget about it.I've been re-reading vintage Jay McInerney.
But within hours of the report's release, the headline on London's Evening Standard was an inflammatory screamer.This being England, we do have demure screamers. Important distinction.
It hones him for the gladiatorial sessions. . . Mmmm. . . honing gladiators. . .
In Britain, it's a smackdown across party lines. . . Mmmmm. . . smacking parties. . .
With the tabloids, it doesn't matter if the facts don't fit the argument. Why are you looking at me like that?
That's why if you're a Brit like me. . . My contract with the Post necessitates that I remind you that I am British twice in each column. Not like they'd read it to make sure or anything.

. . . it's hard to get too riled up about Robert Greenwald's new documentary, "Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch's War on Journalism," I'm bored. . . New topic!!!!!
It's unlikely, after all, that passionate devotees of Bill O'Reilly are trawling West Side cocktail parties and gate-crashing MoveOn.org screening events looking to have their minds changed.Attendees of West Side cocktail parties and MoveOn.org screenings don't think Bill O'Reilly devotees walk upright, so it's probably for the best.
But this is the year when it's not enough to vote, you have to vote with your veins popping and your eyes bulging.Oh, I shouldn't. . . but . . . Oh, I can't help it: Penis!
. . . telling them to "SHUT UP, I said shut UP" like the nightmare blowhard you can't escape in a beer-soaked bar.I stole this line from the restraining order Harvey sent me.
It's the flair, stupid.Colors are pretty.
In the U.K., the Daily Mail, which isn't owned by Murdoch, is scarily powerful not because of its parochial, jingoistic, Little England judgments but because of the flawless timing of its malice, the instinctive brilliance with which it identifies and exploits the next national paranoia or distraction. I have cleverly sandwiched information which might disprove the flimsy "premise" of this column in a hurried "which" clause.
It's that Roger Ailes's brilliant belligerence and formidable TV skills are not matched enough with reportorial testosterone and creativity elsewhere. Everything comes back to the penis. Really, it does.
Wanted: A new entrepreneurial media wild man, with deep pockets and real curiosity, who's turned on as much by rigorous reporting as access to power. No fatties.

Looking for an Angel to Outfox Murdoch

[WP]
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Blanket Disclaimer: Spitting on anybody is dead wrong. Even if it's a Trump.

Still, Eric Trump got to eat a tiny slice of the shit pie women, minorities, poors, disabled, and all of the other people who are deemed "takers" or who come from "shithole countries" experience at some point in their lives: He got spit on. By a woman, according to Breitbart (no link), because we are evil. Woe unto the wealthy white man! Wealthy white men are some of the most abused and marginalized people in the Universe, according to wealthy white men, and Eric Trump is no exception. Please cry for wealthy white men, ok you can stop now. Another group of Americans that are constantly abused, marginalized, and even denied their rights by the very same type of wealthy men that spawn such men as Eric Trump, are called "women." And apparently we are mean as fuck now.

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Well folks, we think we have a geopolitical relations first for an American president. We might need to consult with Doris Kearns Goodwin or Kevin Kruse, but we cannot recall a time one of America's purported enemies OR friends has called the president of the United States "retarded" or anything along those lines. We remember leaders hating American presidents. We remember them recoiling like UGH GET OFF ME when an American president tried to give them a friendly sensual love massage during the G8. We remember them literally attacking our democratic elections in order to prevent the inaugurations of potential presidents they despise and fear. But we don't remember anything like this.

President Hassan Rouhani of Iran, commenting on Donald Trump after the Trump administration threw some new sanctions at Iran on Monday:

Iran warned Tuesday that new U.S. sanctions targeting its supreme leader and other top officials meant "closing the doors of diplomacy" between Tehran and Washington amid heightened tensions, even as President Hassan Rouhani derided the White House as being "afflicted by mental retardation."

Here is the full quote, in case you were wondering if something was lost in translation, like that time Vladimir Putin called Trump "brilliant" and Trump was so excited he left a ring of orange jizz around the bathtub, but what Putin actually said in Russian more accurately translates as "colorful" or "shiny." There's no confusion here:

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