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Tim Geithner Outlines Plan For Digitally Remastered Deluxe Edition TARP

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At some point during Barack Obama's press conference last night -- toward the end, after summarizing the major works of the European baroque period, but before reading the entire text ofWar and Peace in response to a question about baseball -- he told reporters to hold onto their pants, because Tim Geithner's first big press conference Tuesday morning was going to blow their fucking minds. How did it go? Eh, big numbers being tossed around, a lot of crying, the whimpering sounds of a crumbling Empire, crumbling, crumble crumb crumb...


Here are the major parts of the Treasury's revamped "bank rescue plan," or as it's more commonly known, "the thing that reminds us of death." It includes most of the existing or at least heavily discussed bank recapitalization techniques from the past few months, but with, uh, "oversight," presumably from Mr. TurboTax over there.

It is the equivalent of alternating between five differently shaped shovels in order to fill a black hole with sand.

  • Here's a new term developed by the actual Satan, in hell: "A Public Private Investment Fund." It will be "jointly run by the Treasury and the Federal Reserve, with financing from private investors, to buy up hard-to-sell assets that have bogged down banks and financial institutions for the past year." In other words, this is that "bad bank" you may have heard a lot about recently. It's like Paulson's original plan, but with Liberals. It will only cost another one trillion dollars of fresh fiat currency.
  • The remaining $350 billion from the original TARP shit sandwich will be thrown in the air for the masses, soon. Make sure you get a good catchin' spot.
  • An expansion in that other fake TARP thing Bernanke and Paulson came up with while they were high, the one in which the Fed and the Treasury help finance various consumer loans. The cost will rise from approximately $200 billion to $1, in trillions.
  • The terrible communists may even try to put a floor under mortgage defaults, the cause of the whole global depression. "A separate $50 billion initiative to enable millions of homeowners facing imminent foreclosure to renegotiate the terms of their mortgages is to be announced next week." BOO! TOO EXPENSIVE.

And how does the stock market react to the Head of American Money essentially telling money people that the Treasury will back any and everything they do, to the tune of several trillion more dollars? The Dow Jones plummets 338 points, as of now. But who cares, right?

Anyway, good luck to Tim Geithner -- he has no idea what it means to be hated, yet -- and at least give him credit for creating a long-overdue comprehensive bank rescue plan at the Treasury. If we're lucky, this MegaTARP will be just the right mix of tools the government needs to finally destroy the country.

Geithner Sets Out Sweeping Overhaul to Bank Bailout [NYT]

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