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Delusional Asshole Tim Ryan Thinks He'll Be President, So That's Stupid

Culture

Donald Trump won the presidency in 2016 on a white nationalist platform and ever since has systematically attacked people of color, Muslims, gay folks, and women. The good news is that Ohio Democratic Rep. Tim Ryan knows exactly which straight white Christian male is going to save us all in 2020. The bad news is he thinks it's Tim Ryan.


Tim Ryan has been telling political consultants and operatives that he intends to run for president of the United States in 2020, and is beginning to put together a team, according to multiple sources who've spoken to Ryan.

Ryan, who has served in Congress since 2002 as a representative from the 13th District in Ohio, which covers Youngstown and the surrounding area, has cast himself as an opportunity for the party to try and win back the Midwestern votes it has gradually shed over the last decade. A spokesperson for Ryan declined to comment.

If you have no idea who Tim Ryan is, that's totally understandable, because even House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi described him in a recent Rolling Stone interview as "inconsequential." Ryan challenged Pelosi for the leadership spot after the 2016 elections and failed miserably, but the bro media tried to spin a 134-to-63 ass-kicking as somehow a disappointing showing for Pelosi. Well, the House proctologist must've finally removed Pelosi's Jimmy Choos from Ryan because he's considering a rematch this year.

Though he wouldn't commit to challenging Pelosi, Ryan is "strongly leaning" in that direction, according to a Monday report by Politico.

In the weeks since New York Democratic Rep. Joe Crowley lost his seat to Democratic-Socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in a stunning upset, questions have emerged surrounding the direction of the party and its leadership, Ryan said. "The Crowley race changed a lot for a lot of us," Ryan said in an interview with Politico. "There was a lot of assumption that he was going to be moving forward in leadership, and so losing that election put everybody in a state of mind to re-evaluate what was happening."

Ryan says he wouldn't throw his hat in the ring unless he thought he could win, saying, "I'm not going to do it just to do it."

Yeah, it's generally not wise to challenge your party's leader just because you don't have lunch plans. Thanks for clearing that up, Tim. Democrats are heavily favored to take back the House in November, so the stakes are higher now. The speaker of the House is third in line for the presidency. If Ryan were to replace Pelosi and set a trend of House speakers named "Ryan," he could oversee impeachment proceedings, bolstered by Robert Mueller's investigation, that would potentially remove from office both Trump and Mike Pence (who I believe is as dirty as his browser history). Easy peasy! Another mediocre white man is president -- just like the two dozen or so others you can't name without a Google assist. There are just a couple flaws in this plan: Nancy Pelosi, who isn't at all "worried" about Ryan's sorry ass because she's a goddamn "legislative virtuoso," and perhaps most fatally Tim Ryan himself. I mean, just look at the guy try and defend himself as "consequential." If your opponent has you pleading your case to the "Fox & Friends" crew for why you matter, it's all over. You can stop now, Nancy. He's already dead.

But a dead man is still preferable to Trump, so that's why Ryan is mulling a 2020 presidential run. Yeah, it might prove tricky that Ryan didn't actually believe women should have full legal bodily autonomy until 2015. It also doesn't help that his cogent response to a perceived leftward shift in the party was to shout, "You're not going to make me hate somebody just because they're rich. I want to be rich!" But hey, every other Democratic politician could turn to ash with a snap of Thanos's fingers, so let's not count out Ryan yet. Did I mention he has the "yoga vote"?

Ryan has long been a champion of mindfulness, meditation, and similar pursuits, and has even created a "Quiet Time Caucus" in the House of Representatives.

Ryan, who was elected to Congress at age 29, is the author of the 2012 book "A Mindful Nation: How a Simple Practice Can Help Us Reduce Stress, Improve Performance, and Recapture the American Spirit.

"The group Yoga Votes ("One body united for change") puts the total number of people who do yoga in the U.S. at 20 million, and Ryan has done work with the group.

A materialistic, wealth-craving yoga instructor sounds like a great sitcom pitch for ABC's prime time lineup. But is it enough to carry Ryan to the White House?

Operatives who have spoken to Ryan about his run say that he genuinely believes he has a chance to win. "I'm gonna win," he told one flatly.

No, he won't. Did he watch that video he made?

Now it is your OPEN THREAD!

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.

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