Tim Ryan Takes Break From Losing To Nancy Pelosi To Lose To Entire Democratic Field
Another day, and yet another white guy thinks he should be president. Men have trouble literally seeing women, especially women over 40, so for a while there, it must have seemed like no one was running for the Democratic nomination. We can't just let Donald Trump run unopposed! He wouldn't even have to call in another favor from Putin!
But now we already have Bernie, Beto, Buttigieg, and likely Biden. Surely, the Four Bs are more than enough to address the concerns of the endangered North American white male. Do we really need another candidate? Ohio Rep. Tim Ryan says, "Yes!" and we say, "Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
For those of you wondering -- like the members of his own household -- who the hell Tim Ryan is, here's a quick refresher: Ryan challenged Nancy Pelosi for House minority leader in 2017... and lost. Undaunted, he tried to block Pelosi's return as speaker after she helped win back the House. (He should not count on her endorsement.) One thing you can say about Ryan: He's not a mediocre candidate. He has a proven record of spectacular failure.
He can't even count on Beto's endorsement nowTwitter
We were bullish about a possible Sherrod Brown run because we really like Connie Schultz's husband. If the Democratic nominee can take Ohio from Trump in 2020, they are on their way to the White House. Ryan is not that candidate, no matter how much he might boast of his blue-collar, industrial Ohio bonafides.
After Amazon's New York expansion fell through, Ryan wrote a letter begging the tech giant to come and ruin northeast Ohio. Ryan has endorsed corporate tax cuts and argued Democrats can't "just be the party of redistribution of wealth." He's warned his party against appearing "hostile" to business. It's true no other Democrat running is saying this, but it doesn't necessarily follow that many primary voters want to hear it.
Ryan's partner in failure, Seth Moulton, is also flirting with a presidential run (it will probably throw its drink in his face). The Massachusetts congressman and former Marine thinks he can go after Trump on national security. It won't work.
MOULTON: I think Donald Trump is a lot harder to beat than most Democrats think. But I'm also quietly confident that I can beat him, and I don't think it'll be the hardest thing that I do in my life.
Gee, Seth, you're talking to The Atlantic. Your confidence is pretty damn loud. This interview happened in March, months after you failed to do the GOP's dirty work for them and keep Pelosi from her gavel. We presume defeating an incumbent president at peacetime and during a relatively decent economy is harder than coming for the queen and missing.
Go home, guys, the qualified women have got this.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.